E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial

Elliot:
He's a man from outer space and we're taking him to his spaceship.

Greg:
Well, can't he just beam up?

Elliot:
This is REALITY, Greg.

E.T.:
E.T. phone home.

Elliot:
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Michael:
Maybe it was an iguana.

Elliot:
It was NO iguana.

Michael:
You know how they say there are alligators in the sewers?

Gertie:
Alligators in the sewers.

Mary:
All we're trying to say is, maybe you just probably imagined it.

Elliot:
I couldn't have imagined it!

Michael:
Maybe it was a pervert or a deformed kid or something.

Gertie:
A deformed kid.

Michael:
Maybe an elf or a leprechaun?

Elliot:
It was nothing like that, penis-breath!

Mary:
If you ever see it again, whatever it is, don't catch it, just call me and we'll call somebody and have them take it away.

Gertie:
Like the dogcatcher?

Elliot:
But they'll give it a lobotomy or do experiments on it or something.

Michael:
Maybe he's some animal that wasn't supposed to live. Could be a monkey or an orangutan.

Elliot:
A bald monkey?

Gertie:
Is he a pig? He sure eats like one.

Elliot:
You could be happy here, I could take care of you. I wouldn't let anybody hurt you. We could grow up together, E.T.

Keys:
Elliot, that machine, what does it do?

Elliot:
The communicator? Is it still working?

Keys:
It's doing *something*. What?

Elliot:
I really shouldn't tell. He came to me, he came to me.

Keys:
Elliot, he came to me too. I've been wishing for this since I was 10 years old, I don't want him to die. What can we do that we're not already doing?

Elliot:
He needs to go home, he's calling his people, and I don't know where they are, and he needs to go home.

Keys:
Elliot, I don't think he was left here intentionally, but his being here is a miracle, Elliot. It's a miracle and you did the best that anybody could do. I'm glad he met you first.

Elliot:
You must be dead, because I don't know how to feel. I can't feel anything anymore.

Steve:
Did your goblin come back?

Michael:
Shut up.

Greg:
Well did he?

Elliot:
Yeah, he came back. But he's not a goblin. He's a spaceman.

Tyler:
Ooh! Where's he from? Uranus? Get it? Your anus?

Greg:
He doesn't get it Ty.

Tyler:
Get it? Your anus?

Greg:
He doesn't get it.

Elliot:
You're so immature!

Greg:
And you're such a cintus supremus.

Elliot:
Zero charisma!

Greg:
Cintus supremus!

Elliot:
Zero charisma!

Greg:
Cintus supremus!

Elliot:
Shut up Greg!

Greg:
Cintus supremus!

Elliot:
Zero charisma!

Greg:
You wimp!

Tyler:
Douche bag.

Mary:
A pizza? Who said you guys could order a pizza?

Tyler:
We made it! Oh sh*t!

Elliot:
What do I do?

Michael:
I don't know. You have absolute power, remember?

Elliot:
Oh, God!

E.T.:
Elliot.

Elliot:
What?

E.T.:
Elliot! Elliot!

Gertie:
I taught him how to talk. He can talk now.

Elliot:
Wait. Can you say 'E.T.'? E.T.?

E.T.:
E.T.

Elliot:
Aha!

E.T.:
E.T.! E.T.! E.T.!

Michael:
We're all going to die and they're never going to give me my license!

Michael:
Where's the playground?

Elliot:
It's near the preschool!

Michael:
Where's that?

Elliot:
I don't know streets! Mom always drives me!

Michael:
Son of a b*tch.

Elliott:
I'm keeping him.

Gertie:
Here he is.

Mary:
Who?

Gertie:
The man from the moon. But I think you've killed him already.

Elliot:
I'll believe in you all my life.

E.T.:
Come...

Elliot:
Stay...

E.T.:
Ouch

Elliot:
Ouch

E.T.:
I'll be right here.

Elliot:
Bye

E.T.:
Be good.

Gertie:
What are you going as for Halloween?

Elliot:
I'm not going to stupid Halloween.

Micheal:
Why don't you go as a goblin?

Elliot:
Shut up.

Mary:
It's not that we don't believe you, honey.

Elliot:
Well, it was real, I swear!

Mary:
[changing the subject] What are you going as, Gert?

Gertie:
[with steak in mouth] I'm going as a cowgirl.

Elliot:
So, what else is new?

Micheal:
Maybe it was an iguana.

Elliot:
It was no iguana.

Micheal:
Maybe, uh... uh-- You know how they say there are, uh, alligators in the sewers?

Gertie:
Alligators in the sewers.

Mary:
All we're trying to say is maybe you just probably imagined it. It happens.

Elliot:
I couldn't have imagined it!

Micheal:
Maybe it was a pervert, or a deformed kid, or something.

Gertie:
A deformed kid.

Micheal:
Maybe, uh, an elf or a leprechaun.

Elliot:
[stands up angrily] IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT, PENIS-BREATH!

Mary:
[laughs in shock] Elliot! [regains composure] Sit down. [clears throat]

Elliot:
[sitting down] Dad would believe me.

Mary:
Maybe you oughtta call your father and tell him about it.

Elliot:
I can't. He's in Mexico with Sally.

Gertie:
Wh-Where's Mexico?

Mary:
Excuse me. [leaves the table and walks to the window]

Micheal:
[softly to Elliot] I'm gonna kill you.

Mary:
If you ever see it again, whatever it is, don't touch it, just call me, and we'll have somebody come and take it away.

Gertie:
Like the dogcatcher?

Elliot:
But they'll give it to a lobotomy, or do experiments on it, or somethin'.

Mary:
It's your turn to do the dishes, fellas.

Micheal:
I set and cleared.

Elliot:
I set and cleared.

Micheal:
[quickly] I did breakfast.

Gertie:
I did breakfast.

[Mary slams a pot down on the sideboard, offscreen]

Micheal:
What's the matter, Mom?

Mary:
[emotionally; about the kids' father] He hates Mexico.

Micheal:
[to Elliot] Damn it, why don't you...grow up? Think how other people feel for a change?

Micheal:
[in awe, upon seeing E.T.] Elliot.

Elliot:
I'm keeping him.

Gertie:
What is it?

Elliot:
He won't hurt you, Daisy. He won't hurt you, Daisy. He's not gonna hurt you.

Gertie:
Is he a boy or a girl?

Elliot:
He's a boy.

Gertie:
Was he wearing any clothes?

Elliot:
No. But, look. You can't tell, not even Mom.

Gertie:
Why not?

Elliot:
Because, um, grown-ups can't see him. Only little kids can see him.

Gertie:
[snapping back] Give me a break.

Elliot:
[imitating Dracula] Well, do you know what's going to happen if you do tell? [tosses Gertie's stuffed animal to Micheal] Do it, Mike. We have to.

Gertie:
[tugging her doll with Micheal] Give it to me!

[E.T. watches intently]

Elliot:
[to Gertie] Promise?

Gertie:
Yes.

Elliot:
[to Micheal] Do you promise? [Micheal nods in agreement]

Mary:
What are you doing, Gertie?

Gertie:
I'm going to play in Elliot's room.

Mary:
OK, don't let them torture you.

Gertie:
I won't, Mary.

Micheal:
[about E.T.] Did you explain school to him?

Elliot:
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Micheal:
Maybe he's not that smart. Maybe he's a worker bee who only knows how to push buttons.

Elliot:
He's too smart.

Micheal:
All right. I just hope we don't wake up on Mars or somethin' surrounded by millions of little squashy guys.

[Maddy hits E.T. with the refrigerator door]

Gertie:
Here he is.

Mary:
[absently] Here's who?

Gertie:
The man from the moon. But I think you've killed him already.

Mary:
Just as soon as I unload this stuff, OK? [inspects a small basket of cherry tomatoes] Medbugs.

Gertie:
I want you to meet somebody.

...

[after E.T. learns how to talk]

Mary:
Gertie, I've gotta go pick up Elliot. Will you be a good girl until I get back?

Gertie:
Momma, he can talk!

Mary:
[thinking she meant Elliot] Of course he can talk. I'll be back in 10 minutes. Stay there.

Elliot:
Oh, God!

E.T.:
Elliot.

Elliot:
What?!

E.T.:
Elliot! Elliot!

Gertie:
I taught him how to talk. He can talk now.

Elliot:
Wait. Can you say 'E.T.'? E.T.?

E.T.:
E.T.

Elliot:
Ha! Ha!

E.T.:
E.T.! E.T.! E.T.! Be good.

Gertie:
'Be good.' I taught him that too.

Elliot:
You should give him his dignity. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

E.T.:
Phone. Home. [pointing at the window] E.T. home phone.

Gertie:
E.T. phone home.

Elliot:
E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home!

Gertie:
He wants to call somebody.

Micheal:
[entering the room] What's all this sh*t?

E.T.:
[famous line] E.T. phone home.

Micheal:
My God, he's talking now.

E.T.:
Home.

Elliot:
E.T. phone home?

E.T.:
E.T. phone home. [pointing at the window again]

Elliot:
And they'll come?

E.T.:
Come? Home. Home.

Micheal:
Mom, would you come with me?

Mary:
What is it?

Micheal:
Mom, just come with me.

Mary:
Scud, what?

Micheal:
Mom, remember the goblin?

Mary:
What are you talking about?

Micheal:
Just swear the most excellent promise you can make.

Mary:
[annoyed] Micheal.

[Micheal opens the door, showing E.T., Gertie and Elliot]

Mary:
That's terrific.

E.T.:
Moooooom.

[Mary becomes shocked and horrified on seeing E.T. for the first time]

Elliot:
We're sick. I think we're dying.

Scientist:
Does he sleep at night?

Mary:
I don't know, I don't know. What's the matter with Elliot?

Scientist:
Have you noticed any surface sweating?

Mary:
No.

Scientist:
Has it lost any hair?

Gertie:
He never had any hair.

Scientist:
Are the children all right?

Mary:
Yes.

Scientist:
Has it built anything or written anything down?

Micheal:
Uh, no.

Scientist:
You said it has the ability to manipulate its own environment?

Micheal:
He's smart. He communicates through Elliot.

Scientist:
Elliot thinks its thoughts.

Micheal:
No, Elliot... Elliot feels his feelings.

Elliot:
E.T., stay with me. Please...

E.T.:
...stay.

Elliot:
Together. I'll be right here. I'll be right here.

E.T.:
Stay, Elliot. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay.

Scientist:
The boy's coming back. We're losing E.T..

Elliot:
E.T., answer me, please. Please.

Gertie:
[about E.T.] Is he dead, Momma?

Mary:
I think so, sweetheart.

Gertie:
Can we wish for him to come back?

Mary:
Yeah.

Gertie:
I wish.

Mary:
I wish, too.

Keys:
They're gonna have to take him away now.

Elliot:
They're just gonna cut him all up.

Keys:
Would you like to spend some time alone with him?

[Elliot is left alone with E.T.]

Elliot:
Look at what they've done to you. I'm so sorry. You must be dead, 'cause I don't know how to feel. I can't feel anything anymore. You've gone someplace else now. I'll believe in you all my life, every day. E.T., I love you.

[E.T.'s heart light glows and he is revived]

E.T.:
E.T. phone home. Phone home, phone home.

Gertie:
[tearfully] I just wanted to say goodbye.

Micheal:
He doesn't know 'goodbye.'

E.T.:
Be good.

Gertie:
Yes. [kisses E.T.'s nose]

[Micheal gently strokes E.T.'s head]

E.T.:
Thank.... you.

Micheal:
You're welcome.

E.T.:
[to Elliot] Come.

Elliot:
Stay.

E.T.:
[after touching his heart light and then touching his lips] Ouch.

Elliot:
[after repeating the gesture] Ouch.

[Elliot gives E.T. a farewell hug for a couple minutes]

E.T.:
[after touching his finger to Elliot's forehead, his fingertip glows] I'll be right here.

Elliot:
Bye.

[E.T. takes his geranium and climbs into his spaceship]