Earth Girls Are Easy

Woody:
Waste your brain; wax your board; pray for waves.

Candy:
Have a mental margarita.

Valerie:
As if things weren't bad enough, now I've been abducted by aliens.

Candy:
Just because they're aliens doesn't mean they can't be dates.

Valerie:
Eat me, I'm a cupcake!

Ted:
But they said the Commodore would withstand anything!

Candy:
I see split ends are universal. Lost in space with no conditioner, eh?

Valerie:
No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway.

Mac:
Are we limp and hard to manage?

Candy:
I took an IQ test and I flunked it, of course / I can't spell VW, but I got a Porsche.

Candy:
I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can. Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, 'cause I love children.

Candy:
'Cause I'm a blonde! B-L-... I don't know!

Candy:
If you wanna be a femme fatale, you can't rest on your L'Oréals!

Candy:
Grab the bleach, she's seen the light!

Valerie:
[Frantically to Candy] A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and, um, they're here now, but Ted's coming home tonight so you've got to cut their hair.

Owner of Beauty Shop:
What did you say?

Valerie:
Oh, nothing. I'm on drugs. [Turns back to Candy] Candy, you've got to help them out.

Candy:
Would you listen to yourself? Valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over. Mel Gibson, maybe, but not Ted! Valerie, come here, just sit down, honey, relax, have a mental margarita, and everything is...

[Gets interrupted by Valerie]

Valerie:
Okay, I'm going to show you something that's going to totally change your life, completely, forever. Okay?

Candy:
Well, in that case, let me get a cigarette.

Valerie:
Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.

Candy:
Valerie!

Valerie:
I mean it, don't freak out. Promise me you will not freak out.

Candy:
Stop it! You are freaking me out!

Valerie:
Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO in my pool. A UFO!

Candy:
BFD. Ted's not going to be there for a few hours. Just chill out, Val.

Candy:
Okay you guys, what's the plan for tonight?

Valerie:
Whoa, Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys, they're aliens!

Candy:
So? They can still be dates! Do you guys have margaritas on your planet?

Valerie:
Candy, it's just not safe. I'll give you a lift home and that's it.

Candy:
Don't get your panties in a bunch! We're with three major cute guys and it's Saturday night! Come on!

Wiploc:
Finland is here?

Valerie:
Finland? No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway. Gawd, you guys sure learn fast.

Valerie:
Wait a minute. Are you like coming on to me? Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is, sex is like totally out of the question.

Mac:
What is sex?

Valerie:
Sex? You know, making love. A man and a woman like each other and they take their clothes off and...

Mac:
Okay.

Valerie:
Well, no! No, no, no! We can't, no, because, I mean, me and Ted are, uh, are, uh, well, I guess we're not, but, I mean, uh, we can't because, I mean, you're an alien and I'm from the valley and we may not even be, you know, anatomically correct for each other. That could be - a real problem. [looks at naked Mac's groin] No problem. But, I mean, uh, no, no, no. I mean, it just wouldn't work! You're from out of town. The phone bills would just be hell.

Valerie:
You brought a girl home to have sex?

Ted:
Well, you weren't supposed to be here, Val.

Valerie:
You were going to have sex without me?

Mac:
Joe, take us to hospital, please.

Joe:
Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!

Mac:
[looks at Mike, then at Valerie] We go to slammer first.

Valerie:
[to Mac] Listen, give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me. They'll be putty in my hands.

Mac:
You want sex with Joe and Mike?

Valerie:
No, no, just so we can get away. Do it, do it! You'll see.

Valerie:
Aw, Wiploc, I think I'll miss you least of all.

Wiploc:
You want a liplock from Wiploc?

Valerie:
I didn't want you to think Earth girls were easy.

Mac:
What is "easy"?

Valerie:
[kissing him] This is "easy".

Valerie Gail:
There's a giant blow dryer in my pool.

Valerie Gail:
I'm just a manicurist. I don't know about anything about anything, except nails. You know, nails?

Valerie Gail:
Really, I could keep my mouth shut. I mean, I'm the kind of person that you could tell anything to and I'd never tell. Ask my cousin, Debbie. You know, she got like her b*obs done and I never told anyone. Oh! Except I just told you.

Valerie Gail:
[to Ted] If meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me?!

Valerie Gail:
A relationship is a lot like a porcelain nail, Ted. You can break it, and you can glue it back together, but it's not going to be as strong as it was unless the person is really committed to not bringing home nurses!

Candy Pink:
[singing] Because I'm blonde, I don't have to think, I talk like a baby, And I never pay for drinks, Don't have to worry, About getting a man, If I keep this blonde, And I keep these tanned, 'Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'Cause I'm a blonde, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see people working, It just makes me giggle, 'Cause I don't have to work, I just have to jiggle, 'Cause I'm blonde...

Candy Pink:
You guys are so lucky you crashed in the valley. It's the baddest place on earth!

Dr. Ted Gallagher:
These degenerates broke into my home and destroyed my property. I want them arrested right now. They're MTV scum!

Woody:
Hey! Jail isn't so bad. It's where I learned how to surf.