Eight Crazy Nights

Davey Stone:
Smell ya later, Poopsicle!

Davey Stone:
Hey, Jelly Jugs, next time you're on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

Whitey:
Don't worry son, I think you have very nice b*obs.

Eleanor Duvall:
Holy sh*t, did the mall just say something?

Benjamin:
Eat that nutstrap, BIACH!

Jennifer:
Benjamin?

Jennifer:
Thanks for sharing the Holiday spirit, psycho.

Eleanor Duvall:
They were giving out free lobster bibs in the bathroom.

Whitey:
That's not a lobster bib Eleanore its a germ protector for your tushey.

Whitey:
That's a technical foul!

Davey Stone:
Can I walk around with my morning erection?

Whitey:
If you want an automatic ejection... cuz that's a technical foul!

Eleanor Duvall:
But I'd like to see it anyway!... Just kidding!

Chinese Waiter:
Ha! I love it! Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!

Eleanore:
All you people can bite my germ-free booty!

Whitey:
Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

Chinese Waiter:
What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?

Eleanor Duvall:
It's a home invasion! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

Whitey:
It's okay Eleanore! It's okay!

Eleanor Duvall:
Whitey, thank god you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes? They're soaking the carpet.

Whitey:
Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

Whitey:
The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?

Whitey:
His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.

Eleanor Duvall:
All right. But I'm taking an inventory of everything alive and accounted in this house.

Eleanor Duvall:
Look, he already stole something! He's hiding it in his jacket.

Whitey:
He's just kidding, son. You have very nice b*obs.

Mayor:
Whitey, for the first time your partner Davey Stone did something good for this community.

Eleanore:
What'd he do? Steal beer for everyone?

Davey:
Make some long distance calls?

Eleanore:
You'll get a kick in the balls!

Davey:
I can't believe I haven't killed myself / Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf / She's neurotic and he's a troll / How did I get stuck in this shithole? / Guess I'll have to deal with your demands / But please don't touch me with your alien hands.

Chinese Waiter:
Congratulations! Now please excuse me while I go take shower!

Eleanor Duvall:
Whitey, where were you? You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the Morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later.

Davey Stone:
Easy seizure boy!

Whitey:
This is the happiest seizure of my life!

Whitey:
Wow!What a neat Etch-a-Sketch.

Davey Stone:
It's a Gameboy you idiot!

Whitey:
My hand is in your mouth kitty but I don't feel any teeth.

Davey Stone:
I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?

Tom Baltezor:
Yes.

Whitey:
Shaving the chest hairs.

Eleanore:
Nobody likes a unibrow.

Eleanor Duvall:
Hey, look! He already stole something!

Whitey:
It's a letter from my parents.

Eleanor Duvall:
Well why don't you go live them?

Whitey:
They died.

Eleanor Duvall:
My bad.

Davey Stone:
How did you get so good on the ice, anyway?

Whitey:
In the '50s I refed youth hockey for a couple of seasons.

Eleanor Duvall:
Until a hockey puck struck him in the back of the head.

Whitey:
Nothin' a metal plate couldn't fix.

Eleanor Duvall:
You were in a coma for three months.

Whitey:
I needed the rest, anyway!

Mr. Chang:
4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.

Davey:
Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.

[Davey does a loud, long burp as everybody stares at him]

Mr. Chang:
[sarcastically] Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.

Narrator:
It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?

Whitey:
You're not welcome in my house.

Davey:
Good! Your house sucks!

Eleanor:
[thinks Davey is holding their house up] Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

Davey Stone:
(to Whitey, after his trailer has been destroyed) I should stick you on a twig and roast you!

Davey Stone:
(Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on) Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I’m gonna (burping) BAAARF!

Davey Stone:
JENNIFER! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life?! Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! At home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story, while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AW, HORSESHIT!!

Davey Stone:
(opening a flask) Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. (he takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far) {the people viewing just shake their heads} I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

Davey Stone:
Foul on this kid, for eating everything in sight. Jelly-jugs, the next time you come onto my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

Whitey Duval:
Technical foul! Technical foul!

Whitey Duval:
What other options do you got, Rockefeller?!

Judge:
Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you? In the past twenty years, I’ve sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward. Not one of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. ‘Cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center, with the best jump shot this town’s ever seen.

Davey:
[opens the flask] Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. [takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far] I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

Judge:
Stone, you leave me no choice. I’m gonna really have to crack down hard this time.

Whitey:
[chiming in, with his fore head seen a little in the seating area] Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to interject for a moment.

Mr. Chang:
What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?

Whitey:
[shows himself by stepping out into the aisle with his Cain] No, Mr. Chang. It’s me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Chanukah to you.

Mr. Chang:
I’m not Jewish.

Whitey:
Neither am I, but that don’t stop me from enjoying a holiday.

Judge:
Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It’s your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You’re turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won’t cover you anymore.

Whitey:
Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.

Judge:
Whitey, what are you getting at?

Whitey:
Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball? I’ve seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court.

Judge:
If that happened with Stone, it would be a miracle.

Whitey:
Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things have been known to happen this time of year.

Judge:
Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes. And if I hear that you break one law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than 10 years.

Davey:
Huh?

Judge:
Happy holidays. [pounds his gavel, adjourning the trial]

Davey:
Oh, god.

Davey:
[eats Peanut Brittle]

Whitey:
How are those peanut brittle?

Davey:
Crunchy and delicious.

Whitey:
Funny, I don't remember Jessie or Denise ringing you up a purchase.

Davey:
I guess that means I stole it, doesn't it?

Whitey:
[got pissed and has a panic attack, which causes him to swerve the car]

Davey:
Easy seizure boy!

Whitey:
[pissed off] That's it! I'm calling the judge!

Davey:
[getting pissed off] Go ahead, I'll be on the first bus out of here. I ain't spending ten years in prison.

Whitey:
Maybe I'll take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me because of my size.

Davey:
[Sarcastically] What? You're smaller than me? I didn't know that.

Whitey:
Put me down! Put me down! [gets Davey's hands off him and points to the car door] And get out of my car right now!

Davey:
[pissed off] Oh no! You're gonna make walk ten feet out there? Because that's where I live you idiot!

Whitey:
Oh!

Davey:
[gets out of the car] Thanks for the ride Patchy! It was great patching with you, I guess I'll patch you later! [closes the door]

Whitey:
I'm letting this one go, Stone! But the next screw up, it's slammin time! Hmph!

Davey:
[pukes in a portable toilet from drinking too much]

Whitey:
That’s what happens when you hit the bottle pal, you go to sleep in Dukesberry you wake up in Pukesberry. Hehe, Pukesberry.

Davey:
[gets pissed off, angrily shuts him in one of them and pushes it down]

Whitey:
The worst has happened: I'm covered in human feces...

Davey:
That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off? [angrily sprays on Whitey with a hose. Whitey is now frozen] Smell You Later, Poopsicle. [laughs evilly]

Davey:
[gets annoyed] Hey, I'm out of here. I don't need this symphony crap.

Whitey:
Maybe it's time you stop running from your emotions.

Davey:
[enraged] I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies who won't shut up about something that isn't any of their business.

Eleanore:
You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.

Davey:
[turns red with anger] Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some STUPID PATCH... [angrily points to Whitey] so he can pretend people actually like him?!

Eleanor:
Which month was that in?

Whitey:
[seriously] Take that back.

Davey:
[furiously grabs Whitey by the jacket] Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins... who nobody even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning. But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you... because the truth is, [screaming at Whitey angrily] nobody in this town even knows you EXIST!

Jennifer and Benjamin look up, concerned

Eleanor:
[angrily calls Davey an animal] You're an animal.

Davey:
[angrily steals the wig] And You're bald!

Eleanor:
Not again! [faints]

Whitey:
You're not welcome in my house.

Davey:
[pissed off] Good! Your house sucks!

Jennifer:
Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?

Davey:
[angrily throws the wig at Jennifer] That's my problem!

[The wig lands on Mr. Chang's head]

Mr. Chang:
He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.