Empire Records

Eddie:
Can I ask you something? Do you know where Harvard is?

A.J.:
It's near Boston.

Eddie:
No I mean, do you really know where Harvard is? It's another planet man- another universe. Totally unlike the one we know. Filled with big blond guys who eat ivy and row boats. What I'm trying to say is, you and Corey just aren't made for each other. She's different from you.

Gina:
Welcome to MusicTown, may I service you?

Gina:
I really think Musictown is torn on the revealing garment issue.

Lucas:
Mitchell's the man Joe.

Joe:
And the man calls all the shots.

Lucas:
Damn the man.

Joe:
Let me explain it to you. Mitchell's the man. I'm the idiot. You're the screw-up. And we're all losers. Welcome to music town.

Warren:
Me Joe, you Jane.

A.J.:
Joe, I need to ask your advice. Now I know you know a lot about love and women and all that sort of thing...

Joe:
Oh yeah, my wife left me for another woman and my girlfriend forced me to leave at gunpoint. Does this qualify me?

A.J.:
Oh yeah, definitely.

Lucas:
Joe, is it O.K. if I leave the couch? 'Cause I'm gonna leave the couch now, okay? My ass is falling asleep, so I gotta go. I'm leaving.

Joe:
Here.

Joe:
You deserved that, you know that.

Lucas:
Yeah, I know it.

Corey:
My dad always said that there's 24 usable hours in every day.

Mark:
Empire Records, open 'til midnight, this is Mark.

Mark:
Midnight.

Eddie:
You forgot your thingy.

Debra:
I went to rock and roll heaven, and I wasn't on the guest list.

Gina:
Lucas, what are you doing in here?

Lucas:
My life has reached its pinnacle. Joe is letting me close the store tonight.

Debra:
Hey Lucas, is it true you committed the perfect crime?

Lucas:
Not entirely perfect.

Eddie:
This music is the glue of the world Mark. It's what holds it all together. Without this, life would be meaningless.

Mark:
Hey, did you hear about Lucas?

Eddie:
Hey Lucas man, I hear you went to Vegas and you married a mobster's wife and now you've got a hit on you and stuff. Is that true?

Lucas:
Not entirely true.

Eddie:
Well outlaw man, we solute you.

Lucas:
Thank you Eddie.

Eddie:
No problem.

Corey:
So is this how your life's gonna be now, huh? You're just gonna screw every has-been until your tits fall down and they don't want you anymore?

Debra:
No visible tattoos.

Gina:
No revealing clothing.

Debra:
We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.

Warren:
Who glued these quarters down?

A.J.:
I did.

Warren:
What the hell for, man?

A.J.:
I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.

Mark:
Hey, Lucas. I've decided I'm going to start a band.

Lucas:
The first thing you need is a name. Then you'll know what kind of band you've got.

Mark:
Right, right. I was thinking about, um, Marc. How does that sound?

Lucas:
Is that with a C or with a K?

Mark:
Well my name is with a K, so I was thinking my band's name could be with a C. That way it's kind of that psychedelic, you know, trip thing.

Lucas:
Always mess with their minds.

Debra:
I tried to kill myself with a Lady Bic. A pink plastic razor with daisies on it and a moisturizing strip.

A.J.:
You did have hair when you went in there, right?

Debra:
Yeah. It's still in the sink, if you want to glue it.

Corey:
I'm not like you, I don't need to do what you do with guys.

Gina:
Oh, I see, not like me, the turbo-slut.

Warren:
Why don't you take these CD's and shove them up your ass?

Lucas:
Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.

Lucas:
Don't drop the soap, Warren.

Mitch:
Why do I get the feeling that I'm being royally screwed?

Joe:
Because you are, Mitch.

Lucas:
I wonder if I'll be held responsible for this.

Lucas:
Joe, I think it's gonna be okay.

Joe:
What makes you think that?

Lucas:
Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

A.J.:
Lucas, do you think it's possible for a person to be in love with someone else and not even know it?

Lucas:
In this life there are nothing but possibilities.

A.J.:
Well, that's good, because I have to tell Corey I love her by 1:37.

Lucas:
That's an excellent time.

A.J.:
What's with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid. What's with you today?

Lucas:
What's with today today?

Joe:
Where's the money, Lucas?

Lucas:
Joe, the money is gone.

Joe:
I know it's GONE, where's it gone to?

Lucas:
Atlantic City.

Joe:
Atlantic City? Is it coming BACK from Atlantic City?

Lucas:
I... I don't think so.

Joe:
What's it DOING in Atlantic City?

Lucas:
Recirculating.

Gina:
Well "Sinead O'Rebellion." Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.

Debra:
God, that is so clever. I swear you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.

Gina:
Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager, Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.

Gina:
Oh no, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'.

Lucas:
You know, someone like you needs to diminish their criminal impulses, not magnify them. Maybe some jazz or some classical.

Warren:
Maybe you bite me.

Jane:
Actually, his new album tested well among teenage males.

Lucas:
Jane, did you compare the percentage of teenage male Rex Manning fans to the incidence of homosexuality amongst teenage males?

Lucas:
In the immortal words of The Doors, 'The time to hesitate is through.'

Lucas:
The fat man walks alone.

Rex Manning:
Why don't you all just fade away.

Lucas:
Joe, I can categorically say that you are not a bigger banana-head.

Gina:
Isn't it customary to leave the scene after committing the crime?

Debra:
Definitely an amateur.

Lucas:
I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do.

Lucas:
Rap, metal, rap, metal, and Whitney Houston.

Eddie:
They're my special recipe... and you know what that means... Lots of sugar.

Mark:
We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day.

Joe:
Could you please not sing, Mark.

Mark:
You know what Joe? One of these days, I'm gonna show you little people.

Joe:
Yeah, well on that day I'm gonna jump outta my wheelchair and do a dance.

Mark:
How 'bout today, huh? Rex Manning day.

Gina:
I don't know it's just something I've always been able to do.

Rex Manning:
Alright. What am I wearing now?

Gina:
Jockies. Navy Blue. Am I right?

Rex Manning:
I don't know.

Gina:
Well why don't you check it out, and you let me know.

Debra:
I guess nobody really has it all together.

Corey:
No.

Debra:
I feel like I should welcome you to the club or something. Anyway, did you really want to do Rex Manning in the count-out room? Is that how you always imagined your first time would be? Your back up against the daily totals and your feet pounding against the safe- Oh Rexy stop that. You're so sexy.

Corey:
Why are you being so nice to me?

Debra:
Let's save our Hallmark moment.

Lucas:
I used to pee in my bed. I did. I, I wet my bed until I was ten. My mother turned me over to the county when I was ten to- not for being a bed wetter- but for being a bad seed. Anyways, 3 years went by, then Joe came. And he took me out, and I became the well adjusted person I am today.

Jane:
What are you doing later?

Joe:
I don't know. I'm either going to jail or hell I can't decide.

Lucas:
The long arm of the law has embraced our dear friend Warren.

A.J.:
...you know, I got to tell her that I, uh, well, you know, that I uh...

Joe:
love her.

A.J.:
Yeah, now how do I do that?

Joe:
You say I love you. What do you want, written instructions?

A.J.:
You know that feeling when you get out of a warm bath... well... you make me feel like a bath?

High Roller:
That's an 18,000 dollar bet, you sure you know what you're doin kid?

Lucas:
I know this, that if I win this roll I will save the place that I work from being sold, and the jobs of my friends that work there. Thus striking a blow at all that is evil and making this world a better place to be in.

Lady at Craps Table:
Huh?

Lucas:
...And I'll buy you guys a drink.

Joe:
Where's the money, Lucas?

Lucas:
Joe, the money is gone.

Joe:
I know it's GONE, where's it gone to?

Lucas:
Atlantic City.

Joe:
Atlantic City. ...Is it coming back from Atlantic City?

Lucas:
I... I don't think so.

Joe:
What's it doing in Atlantic City?

Lucas:
Recirculating.

Joe:
Recirculating?

Lucas:
Yeah.

Joe:
Lucas, listen to me. I told Mitchell Beck that you forgot to deposit the money. I told Mitchell that the money was still here.

Lucas:
Joe, that's not true. It's in Atlantic City... I swear!

Joe:
Shut up, sit down, and don't you move.

Lucas:
[sitting down] It could be in other cities by now...

Joe:
Oh, shut up! Under no circumstances do I want you to leave that couch... unless it's to get me $9000, and then you bring it here to me, okay?

Lucas:
Okay. You know, I think things are gonna be all right now, Joe.

Joe:
Oh? And what makes you think that.

Lucas:
Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

Gina:
[about Debra having shaved her head] Well, Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!

Debra:
God, that is so clever. You know, I swear you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets.

Gina:
And you get smarter the shorter your hair gets, so it's probably good you went with that.

[Joe is talking to the police about Warren]

Joe:
[to Warren] How old are you?

Warren:
Old enough to kick your butt through your skull and splatter your brains on the wall.

Joe:
[to the cops on the phone] Yeah, he's a juvenile.

Debra:
[Reading the new Musictown rules] No visible tattoos.

Gina:
No revealing clothing.

Debra:
We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.

Gina:
Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, certainly with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new Neo-Nazi boot camp makeover, the boys will come a-runnin'.

Debra:
Let's not fight, let's just rip [both start tearing lists of rules]

Eddie:

Its something you gotta invest in when you’re young. It’s like life, it goes around, and around.