Enchanted

Giselle:
[after an old man steals her tiara] You... are not a very nice old man!!

Giselle:
I'm sure that Edward is already searching for me. No doubt by morning he'll come and rescue me from this strange land. Take me home so that the two of us can share a true love's kiss.

Giselle:
[singing] We adore each filthy chore that we determine. So, friends, even though you're vermin, we're a happy working thro-ong!

Giselle:
I wish you every happiness.

Robert Philip:
[to Morgan after giving her a book] I know it's not the fairytale book you wanted, but this is better.

Robert Philip:
Just because she has on a funny dress doesn't mean she's a princess.

Robert Philip:
Forget about "happily ever after". It doesn't exist.

Robert Philip:
I know what it's like when someone disappoints you. It's tempting to see things the way you wish they were instead of how they are.

Robert Philip:
I said I don't dance. I never said I couldn't.

Robert Philip:
[to a dying Giselle] Please, don't leave me.

Prince Edward:
(holding a construction worker at swordpoint) Are you in league with the wicked old hag who sent my poor Giselle to this foul place... Arty?

Prince Edward:
Nathaniel likes the way I leap?

Prince Edward:
I'm handsome even when I sleep?

Prince Edward:
(after finding the television remote at a hotel he is staying at) It appears this odd little box controls the magic mirror!

Prince Edward:
(to Robert and Morgan) Thank you for taking care of my bride, peasants.

Queen Narissa:
(After seeing Edward and Giselle together for the first time) So this is the forest rat, who thinks she can claim my throne... NEVER!!!

Queen Narissa:
One more chance? What, do you think poison apples grow on trees? There is only one left! You are OUT of chances!

Queen Narissa:
Hello, worthless. Miss me?

Queen Narissa:
Oh my, this is a twist on our story. Why, it's the brave little princess coming to the rescue. [to Robert] I guess that makes you the damsel in distress, huh, handsome?

Queen Narissa:
[last words] How about this? "And they all lived happily ever after." Well, at least I did.

Troll:
That's cheating! I'm supposed to eat you!

Phoebe Banks:
Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times. Do we sacrifice all of the good times because of them?

Nancy Tremaine:
(after her cellphone rings in Andalasia) Wow, really good reception here!

Giselle:
You see, I've been wandering very far and long tonight, and I'm afraid nobody has been very nice to me.

Robert:
[cynically] Yeah, well, welcome to New York.

Giselle:
[sincerely] Thank you!

Robert:
[looks at her strangely] You sure you're okay?

Giselle:
Yes.

Robert:
Would you like me to call someone for you?

Giselle:
Well, I don't think they would hear you from here.

Giselle:
Now, if only I can find a place to rest my head for the night.

Robert Philip:
What kind of place?

Giselle:
I don't know. Maybe a nearby meadow or a hollow tree.

Robert Philip:
A hollow tree?

Giselle:
Or a house full of dwarves. I hear they're very hospitable.

[Nancy jumps to conclusions after seeing Giselle in Robert and Morgan's apartment.]

Robert:
[to Nancy] Can't we just talk about this?

Nancy:
[angrily] Talk about what, Robert? How I never stay the night because we both agreed that Morgan's here and you have to set some boundaries. And I thought, "I'm so lucky, he's sensitive." I didn't realize you were worried about crowd control! [starts to storm out]

Robert:
What... what about the grown-up girl bonding time with you and Morgan? About you bringing her to school.

Nancy:
What, so you can have your own grown-up girl bonding time? I don't think so!

Giselle:
[after Robert knocks on the bathroom door] Hello?

Robert Phillip:
Okay, you know what? You gotta go. Look, I don't know what your deal is, if you're waiting around for Prince Charming or you're just...?

Giselle:
Prince Edward.

Robert Phillip:
Whatever. Look, I'll get you to a bus, a train, a plane, a whatever, then, that's it. After that, I can't... I can't get involved after that. [Giselle emerges from the bathroom in a bright blue-and-pink dress] Where did you get that?

Giselle:
I made it. Do you like it? [Robert notices dress-shaped holes in his curtains and looks quite shocked] You're unhappy.

Robert Phillip:
[angrily] You made a dress out of my curtains?!

Giselle:
Oh, you are unhappy!

[Pip tries to warn Edward about the plot that Nathaniel and Narissa have against Giselle]

Prince Edward:
Go ahead, Pip. What is it you want to say?

Pip in New York:
[clears his throat, squeaks] You with me. [rubs "hands" together and points accusingly at Nathaniel to indicate that he's a traitor]

Prince Edward:
Nathaniel?

Pip in New York:
[squeaking] Uh-huh. Nathaniel.

Prince Edward:
Nathaniel's glad to have me near?

Pip in New York:
[squeaking] No-no-no-no-no! [imitates Nathaniel and then scurries to a soda cup and imitates the conversation Nathaniel had with Narissa through the boiling pot, including making the three poisoned apples appear] Broop, broop, broop. [takes a piece of ice as if it were an apple. Imitates Nathaniel again] Giselle. [imitates Giselle singing "True Love's Kiss"]

Prince Edward:
Oh, I know this one.

Pip in New York:
[as Nathaniel] Apple? [as Giselle] No, thank you. [as Nathaniel] It's good. [as Giselle] Oh, okay. [crunches on the ice and imitates having a seizure, and then strikes a "tada" pose and waits for Edward's interpretation]

Prince Edward:
You feel you'd die without me here?

Sam:
She has no driver's license, no passport, I can't even find this place she comes from.

Robert Phillip:
What place?

Sam:
Andalusia.

Robert Phillip:
Andalasia.

Sam:
Whatever. I've called every travel agent, every airline. I'm not sure if it's a country or a city.

Robert Phillip:
It can't be a state.

[Both watch Giselle acting strangely]

Sam:
More like a state of mind. [mimicking Giselle] And she told me it's just beyond the meadows of joy and the valley of contentment. [normal voice] What is that all about?

(Edward and Pip leap down the well.)

Prince Edward:
Fear not, Giselle! I will rescue you!

Pip:
Yeah, but who's gonna rescue MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?

[Robert stares at Giselle after she gives him advice on how to make up with Nancy]

Giselle:
Why are you staring at me?

Robert Philip:
I don't know. It's... it's like you escaped from a Hallmark card or something.

Giselle:
Is that a bad thing?

[Nathaniel arrives in Times Square; the construction workers remove the manhole cover and let him up]

Arty:
Let me guess. You're looking for a beautiful girl, too?

Nathaniel:
No, I'm looking for a prince, actually.

Arty:
Riiiight.

[They hear Edward laughing in triumph, and turn to see him riding on the roof of an MTA New York City Transit bus, under the delusion that it is a steel beast]

Prince Edward:
You've met your match, you foul bellowing beast!

[He takes his sword and stabs it through the roof of the bus, the blade also ripping open an old lady's bag in the process. The driver stops the bus]

Bus Driver:
Everybody stay on the bus.

Prince Edward:
Giselle? My love?

Pip in New York:
Giselle?

Prince Edward:
Right. [addresses the passengers] The steel beast is dead, peasants! I've set you all free!

Bus Driver:
[steps out the doors to confront Edward] Are you crazy?! Nobody stabs my bus! I'll tear you apart! Do you hear me?! You get down here right now!

[Nathaniel comes up and tries to help out]

Nathaniel:
Madam, allow me...

Prince Edward:
Nathaniel, old friend!

Nathaniel:
Sire, may I suggest that you, uh...

Bus Driver:
You?! A friend a' his?! Crazy tight-wearin'... Are you tryin' to mess up my route?! [Pip jumps onto her forehead and mimics her attitude] I'll tear you both apart! [Nathaniel eyes Pip] Don't you roll your eyes at me, you... [Nathaniel points at Pip, causing the driver to look up] A RAT! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

[She goes berserk and tries to get Pip off of her]

Prince Edward:
Well, strictly speaking, he's a chipmunk!

Nathaniel:
Sire, may I suggest we seek elsewhere for your bride?

Giselle:
Robert! This is Clara. She saw Edward.

Robert:
Oh.

Clara:
He was on the bus this morning.

Robert:
Uh-huh...

Clara:
He tried to kill me!

Robert:
Great. Wonderful. That's great.

Giselle:
(singing) How does she know you love her?

Robert:
Oh no, no, no...

Giselle:
(singing) How does she know...

Robert:
People look-looking...

Giselle:
(singing) She's yours?

Robert Philip:
Don't sing. It's okay, you know. Let's just walk. Can we walk?

Giselle:
Well, does she?

Robert Philip:
Yeah.

Jamaican Man:
(singing) How does she know that you love her?

Giselle:
(excitedly) Oh!

Robert Philip:
He knows this song, too?

Giselle:
(singing) Well, does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close?

Robert:
I don't dance!

Giselle:
(singing) Dedicate a song with words meant just for you?

Robert:
And I really don't sing.

Giselle:
[to a pair of white doves] Take these flowers to Nancy, please.

Robert Philip:
What are you, crazy? They're birds! They don't know where she lives.

Nathaniel:
[after Edward gets hit by bicyclists] Oh, dear, sire. You've fallen on your royal...

Prince Edward:
I know, I know.

Nathaniel:
Sire, do you... like yourself?

Prince Edward:
What's not to like?

Prince Edward:
(talking to a TV) Magic Mirror, I beg you. Tell me where she is!

Mary Ilene Caselotti:
(on TV) Reporting from 116th and Broadway.

Prince Edward:
116th and Broadway! (hugs the TV) Thank you, Mirror! (kisses it and leaves)

[Prince Edward knocks on a random door in Robert's apartment building, trying to find Giselle]

Pregnant Woman with Kids:
[taking in Edward's "Prince Charming" getup] ...You're too late.

Prince Edward:
[stricken] My apologies.

Robert:
You know what? I don't know if you're kidding or if you're being ironic, because chipmunks, they don't talk.

Giselle:
Well, not here they don't.

Giselle:
Is that the only word that you know? "No?"

Robert Philip:
No.

Giselle:
Oh, yeah.

Robert Philip:
No.

Giselle:
"No."

Robert Philip:
No.

Giselle:
"No."

Robert Philip:
No. I mean, no! No.

Giselle:
"No! No! No!" Over and over again! Every word out of your mouth is "No!" It just makes me so... Oh, sometimes you make me so...

Robert Philip:
Make you so what?

Giselle:
You make me so... so... angry! (laughs) I'm angry! (laughs)

Prince Edward:
Have you any last words before I dispatch you?

Robert:
You have got to be kidding me!

Prince Edward:
Strange words.

Robert Phillip:
[regarding Morgan] I know she's shy. I know she doesn't have very many friends. I just want her to be strong, you know? To be able to face the world for what it is. That's why I don't encourage the fairy tales. I don't want to set her up to believe in this "dreams come true" nonsense.

Giselle:
But dreams do come true. And maybe something wonderful will happen.

Robert Phillip:
Yeah, well, I forgot who I was talking to.

Giselle:
Well, I hope you don't forget. I like talking to you.

[Nathaniel, disguised as a waiter and speaking with a very absurd French accent, sets down a martini at Giselle's place setting]

Nathaniel (as French waiter):
For the nice lady. From a secret admirer.

Giselle:
Oh!

Robert:
A secret admirer? How come people keep giving you free stuff?

Giselle:
What is it?

Nathaniel (as French waiter):
It's an apple martini, miss!

Giselle:
Oh, apple mar... ooh! It looks yummy.

Robert:
Yeah, be careful, it's poisonous.

[Nathaniel growls at him]

Giselle:
You're joking.

Robert:
Yeah. No, they'll creep up on you, though. I'd be really careful.

Giselle:
Well, I'll just have one sip.

Nathaniel:
A sip, is all it takes.

[Giselle starts to sip, but Pip intervenes]

Morgan Philip:
And when you go out, you don't want to wear too much makeup 'cause otherwise the boys get the wrong idea. And you know how they are. They are only after one thing.

Giselle:
What's that?

Morgan Philip:
I don't know. Nobody will tell me.

Nancy:
[calling 911] Hello? We have a woman here, she's unconscious. I don't know. I didn't see what happened.

Queen Narissa:
Well, she fainted, and-

Nathaniel:
[appearing out of nowhere] No, she didn't.

Queen Narissa:
Nathaniel, back to the car.

Nathaniel:
I will not. You poisoned her.

Queen Narissa:
[jokingly] Ha!

Nathaniel:
[to Edward] She's the evil hag, sire!

Prince Edward:
[to Narissa; shocked] You did this?

Nathaniel:
She sent the girl here! She poisoned her! With my help I... I regret to say.

Queen Narissa:
Oh, he's lying, darling. Why would I ally myself with that buffoon? I mean, think about. Why would I-?

Prince Edward:
Silence! You lying, murderous wretch. When we return home, all of Andalasia shall know of your treachery. Your days as Queen will be over.

Queen Narissa:
Take my crown? Don't you think that's a bit melodramatic, dear?

Prince Edward:
I don't know what "melodramatic" means. But you will be removed from the throne forever. I will see to it, Narissa.

Dragon Narissa:
Ah, of all this nauseating talk of true love's kiss, it really does bring out the worse in me. You know I've been thinking, if I'm going to remain Queen, I'm gonna need some sort of story when I go back. Hmm... What if a giant vicious beast showed up, and killed everyone? And poor defenseless Queen Narissa, she just couldn't save them! (looks at Giselle) Let's begin with the girl who started it all, shall we?!

Robert Philip:
Over my dead body.

Dragon Narissa:
Alright. I'm flexible. (grabs Robert) Come along, Giselle! We don't want you to miss this ending! (busts out of the window and climbs up the building)

Robert Philip:
Put me down! You're crazy!

Dragon Narissa:
No. Spiteful, vindictive, very large, but never crazy.

The real world and the animated world collide.

This fairytale princess is about to meet a real Prince Charming.

Welcome to the real world... princess.

What's your poison?

He's a prince with a chip on his shoulder.

He's not just dreamy. He's Prince Charming.

A new Disney classic with a twist.

Giselle:
Hello, please open the door.

Robert Philip:
[to Morgan about Giselle] Just because she has on a funny dress doesn't mean she's a princess. She's a seriously confused woman who's fallen into our laps.

Queen Narissa:
Another chance? What do you think poison apples grow on trees? There's only one left! You are out of chances! [Nathaniel: Your Majesty, please...] NO, FORGET IT! I'M COMING THERE, AND I WILL KILL THE LITTLE WRETCH MYSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELF!!!

Queen Narissa:
You'll never save her now. When the clock strikes 12... [whispers] She'll be dead.

Queen Narissa:
[Nathaniel: Oh, my most adored Queen, where did you send her?] To a place where there no happily ever afters.

Queen Narissa:
Speciosus, formosus, praeclarus!

Queen Narissa:
You want a show? I'll give you a show. Back up and get ready for the main event!