Episodes

Beverly Lincoln:
[Dumbfounded that Howard, the wardrobe stylist, has selected a skimpy outfit for Morning to wear in the show. Morning's top has a plunging neckline and she's wearing a mini-skirt that barely covers her crotch] She's a librarian in a boys' boarding school. I'm guessing it's not within her job description to show the boys her vagina.

Morning Randolph:
They might go to the library more.

Howard:
Look at it with the glasses. [He places a pair of glasses on Morning's face] Hmmm?

Beverly Lincoln:
Right. So, now it's a vagina with glasses.

Andrew Lesley:
So, what brings you here?

Sean Lincoln:
[Indicating Matt and Morning, who sit nearby] Uh, we're doing a TV pilot. We're making an American version of "Lyman's Boys."

Andrew Lesley:
Awesome. Who's doing Julian's part?

Sean Lincoln:
[Pointing] Matt is.

Andrew Lesley:
[Bursts out laughing, then notices that Matt does not look amused] Oh, you're serious. [Stammering] Well, that... that's fantastic.

Sean Lincoln:
[sighs] Every day I feel like we are making this show worse. I can barely remember why I liked it to begin with. I hate L.A. I'm sick of the sunshine and the mojitos. I... I am tired of feeling fat when I'm not fat.

Carol Rance:
You're not fat.

Sean Lincoln:
Thank you!

Carol Rance:
Am I fat?

Sean Lincoln:
No! You're not fat!

Matt LeBlanc:
How did you even know I was here? [Pointing] . Have you been following me again?

Labia:
No. [Indicating Sean] . He posted it on his page.

Sean Lincoln:
[Sheepishly to Matt] . I may have updated my status.

Matt LeBlanc:
[Sternly] . You said you were going to unfriend her.

Sean Lincoln:
I don't know how.

Labia:
It's so easy. [Gesticulating] . You just click on "accounts" and then you click "edit friends"...

Matt LeBlanc:
No, no, no, no. You're not going to become his IT person. [Pointing] . Now go!

Wendy:
I wasn't really listening. Do you want me to listen?

Sean Lincoln:
That might be helpful.

Beverly Lincoln:
You really want to move to L.A.? You're always taking a piss out of it.

Sean Lincoln:
Only because it's never wanted me. I'm very petty that way.

Beverly Lincoln:
But why do it? Our lives are here, our friends are here.

Sean Lincoln:
Who would you miss?

Beverly Lincoln:
[a look of recognition comes over her face] We need better friends.

Merc Lapidus:
[In the wake of winning a BAFTA Award for their television series, Beverly and Sean are approached by Merc Lapidus, an American network executive] You know what my fantasy is?

Beverly Lincoln:
I'm gonna guess. Either shoes or nuns. [Merc and Sean laugh]

Merc Lapidus:
My fantasy is, I wake up tomorrow, and I've got your show on my network.

Beverly Lincoln:
Well, that's very flattering.

Merc Lapidus:
No, no, I'm not just blowing smoke here. I love your show. I love it. Seriously... I want to have sex with your show.

Sean Lincoln:
[Sean and Beverly are embarrassed because Julian is being forced to audition for the American version of the role in which he created] . Julian, thank you again for doing this.

Beverly Lincoln:
We're horrified you even need to go through it.

Julian Bullard:
Oh, Peaches, don't give it a second thought. I understand. I'm not new. The King won't let us play until he shows everybody how big his dick is.

Beverly Lincoln:
So, when you're having affairs with these married men, is there any sense of...

Carol Rance:
- Danger.

Beverly Lincoln:
I was gonna say remorse.

Merc Lapidus:
You're the head of comedy! Why isn't none of your sh*t funny?

Myra Licht:
Some of my sh*t's funny. No?

Merc Lapidus:
No!

Merc Lapidus:
[to all of the executives at a staff meeting] Can anyone come up with one goddamn show that we can put on in the fall? [Silence] Oh, come on. Somebody have the balls to say something? [Pointing toward his crotch] I only have one. I'm doing all the talking. [Andy raises his hand] Yes. Good. Go.

Andy Button:
I kind of liked the talking dog show.

Merc Lapidus:
You're fired.

Andy Button:
[laughs awkwardly] Are, um... Are you being funny?

Beverly Lincoln:
Is it a gigantic dick? Does it demand more than one woman? I assume you don't want to make it cross.

Matt LeBlanc:
Our marriage counselor said I have a need to sabotage my happiness, but I like your dick thing better.

Beverly Lincoln:
I think you just like your dick thing. [Takes a sip from her drink] I still can't believe you took it out and showed it to my husband. Who does that?

Matt LeBlanc:
I want to say not guys with little d*cks.

Matt LeBlanc:
Where are your clothes?

Labia:
Why?

Matt LeBlanc:
Why? Because you're standing here in my house, naked.

Labia:
I'm not naked. [Adjusting her panties, the only clothing see has on] I like to leave a little mystery.

Matt LeBlanc:
[Sarcastically] Yeah, it's like Agatha Christie down there.

Nina:
[Working on crossword puzzle] Do you know who was Truman's vice president? Seven letters.

Morning Randolph:
Jesus. How f***ing old do you think I am? [Nina gives her a knowing look] Barkley.

Morning Randolph:
You think if you died the other "Friends" would come to your funeral?

Matt LeBlanc:
Yeah. I'd think they'd come.

Morning Randolph:
Even Jennifer?

Matt LeBlanc:
Yeah. Even Jennifer.

Sean Lincoln:
[Wallace, the security guard, studies a list of residents while he decides if he should let Beverly and Sean into the gated community] . Wallace, you know us. We go through this every day.

Beverly Lincoln:
How can you not remember? We waved to you when we left this morning.

Wallace:
Everybody waves. [Beverly and Sean wave their heads in disbelief] Name?

Sean Lincoln:
Lincoln.

Wallace:
[Scanning his list] Lincoln.

Sean Lincoln:
Lincoln. With an "L"...

Beverly Lincoln:
Like the car, the tunnel in New York, your dead president.

Matt LeBlanc:
[Sean and Beverly have just shared casting recommendations for their new television series by Merc and the other network executives] . Don't let them force you to cast anyone you don't want.

Beverly Lincoln:
All right.

Matt LeBlanc:
I mean it. If they start pushing you around, let me be the bad guy.

Sean Lincoln:
Really?

Matt LeBlanc:
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a lot harder for them to f*** with me than f*** with you. Besides, Merc and I go way back. I've known him since he ran NBC Sports and used to get me Laker Girls.

Jamie Lapidus:
Welcome to L.A. So, are you ready to go back to England yet?

Sean Lincoln:
[Both Sean and Beverly laugh] Hardly.

Beverly Lincoln:
In a heartbeat.