Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex*

The Fool:
Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

The Fool:
With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!

The Fool:
[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] Hi Milord! Remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?

The Operator:
Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?

Victor Shakapopulis:
I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."

Gina:
[in Italian] Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.

Sperm #1:
I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.

Friend:
[in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.

Fabrizio:
[in Italian] For how long?

Friend:
[in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

Fabrizio:
[in Italian] How long with your wife?

Friend:
[in Italian] Thirty seconds.

Fabrizio:
[in Italian, in awe] Lucky!

The Queen:
Kiss me quick!

The Fool:
Yes!... where is your quick?

The Queen:
Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.

The Fool:
Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

Helen Lacey:
Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!

Victor Shakapopulis:
Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

Victor Shakapopulis:
Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

Dr. Bernardo:
Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

Victor Shakapopulis:
Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

Dr. Bernardo:
Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

Victor Shakapopulis:
Are we having dessert?

You haven't seen anything until you've seen everything

If you want to know how this man made a movie out of this book... "Everything you always wanted to know about sex* - *But Were Afraid to Ask" you'll have to see the movie!

Dr. Bernardo:
Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

Victor Shakapopulis:
How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

Dr. Bernardo:
Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

Victor Shakapopulis:
But why? What good will this do anybody?

Dr. Bernardo:
It'll show those fools who called me mad!

The Girl:
For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmative, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.

The Operator:
I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.

The Girl:
I'm a graduate of New York University.

The Operator:
We're gonna make it.

Victor Shakapopulis:
When it comes to sex, there are some mysteries that should remain unexplored. And with my luck, they always will be.

Divorce Court Judge:
The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.

The Queen:
Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?