Evolution

Ira Kane:
If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?

Harry Block:
Lingerie.

Ira Kane:
Not you, the bird.

Harry Block:
Lingerie.

Ira Kane:
Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!

Nurse Tate:
I'll get the lubricant...

Dr. Paulson:
No time for lubricant!

Harry Block:
There's ALWAYS time for lubricant!

Ira Kane:
Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.

Harry Block:
Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.

Wayne Grey:
Wayne Grey. I took some chemistry in high school.

Ira Kane:
So, what do you want? Light meat, or dark?

Harry Block:
You have to ask?

Harry Block:
So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments or is it just one lump sum, like the lottery?

Ira Kane:
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Harry Block:
Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I've very concerned about the potential tax consequences.

Dr. Allison Reed:
What are you gonna do?

Dr. Paulson:
We might have to amputate.

Harry Block:
Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.

Ira Kane:
Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Nurse Tate:
Doctor, look!

Dr. Paulson:
It's headed for his testicles.

Harry Block:
Take it! Take it! Take the leg!

Harry Block:
Great googa-mooga!

Harry Block:
Testing, testing, one, two, one-one-one-two... this is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius...

Ira Kane:
Harry, would you stop it? I can hear you.

Harry Block:
Don't you snap at me, unless you want an angry solid gold dancer on your hands, Ira.

Ira Kane:
You wouldn't understand.

Dr. Allison Reed:
No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice queen in desperate need of a good humping.

Ira Kane:
Oh... you heard that, huh?

Dr. Allison Reed:
Loud and clear.

Harry Block:
For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me!

Nadine:
I really need these credits to get into nursing school.

Harry Block:
Nursing school? Don't you think you'd be happier in a different profession, one where people's lives were NOT dependent on you?

Dr. Allison Reed:
I would've rocked your world.

Ira Kane:
You already have.

Dr. Allison Reed:
It's over, it's over. You did great! Do you need anything? Can we get you anything?

Harry Block:
Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream please.

Dr. Allison Reed:
Okay, what flavor?

Harry Block:
It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.

Harry Block:
Shouldn't we call the government to help us out on this?

Ira Kane:
Absolutely not! I know those people.

Harry Block:
Liar Liar Pants On Fire!

Nadine:
Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.

Ira Kane:
It's not breaking, it's splitting. It's mitosis it's how they reproduce.

Harry Block:
No sex?

Ira Kane:
No time for sex.

Nadine:
Bummer.

Harry Block:
I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?

Ira Kane:
Harry, if we're going to be big important scientists you have to start to act the part.

Ira Kane:
Snag it!

Harry Block:
Snag it?

Ira Kane:
Yeah. Come on, it's for science.

Harry Block:
I've seen this movie, the black dude dies first. YOU snag it!

Wayne Grey:
Whoa! It's like a big lugie!

Harry Block:
Mazel tov! It's a boy!

Ira Kane:
You're gonna be all right, buddy! Cut him open, let's get this thing!

Harry Block:
CUT ME OPEN! There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!

Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman:
I didn't know you were coming to see the show.

Governor Lewis:
Well, you damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant!

Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman:
That's general!

Governor Lewis:
Not if you screw this up.

Ira Kane:
Unfortunately I couldn't give an 'A' to your papers because of the paragraph you wrote which I was unfortunate to memorize: "Cell's are bad. My uncle lives in a 'Cell' in which he only has a magazine to read and the same lousy food to eat. THE END"!

Harry Block:
Keep your chin up. You know she wanted to give you some, didn't you?

Ira Kane:
Were you even in that courtroom?

Harry Block:
Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.

Ira Kane:
Oh, we've been hit!

Harry Block:
Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed!

Lt. Cryer:
All the monitors are down!

Governor Lewis:
Well that can't be good!

Dr. Allison Reed:
At this rate, they will take over Glen Canyon in three days. In two weeks, the rest of Arizona. Within three months, the United States will officially belong to them. And we are extinct.

Governor Lewis:
Oh, you gotta be shittin' me!

Governor Lewis:
What, the fuzzy no-nosed chimps?

Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman:
Suffice to say, we're all very appreciative of the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black...

Harry Block:
Block!

Harry Block:
I still don't understand why you get to be colonel and I'm just a private.

Ira Kane:
I WAS a colonel.

Harry Block:
Yeah, and you obviously served your country with distinction.

Ira Kane:
You should be thankful, the penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.

Harry Block:
Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.

Wayne Grey:
Now that's a face for radio.

Harry Block:
There's a fly in my suit!

Ira Kane:
A garter belt? At a day function?

Ira Kane:
Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!

Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman:
We'll seal off the tunnels, and then we burn the alien menace right the hell out of there.

Dr. Allison Reed:
With what?

Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman:
With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.

Ira Kane:
Napalm? Why don't you just nuke 'em while you're at it?

Col. Flemming:
What about nukes?

Governor Lewis:
Pull your horns in there, boys! Nobody's dropping an H-bomb in the middle of my state!

[Ira and Harry see a unique organism.]

Ira Kane:
Hey, cool. Snag one.

Harry Block:
Snag one?

Kane:
Yeah, snag one and put it in the bucket.

Block:
I've seen this movie, the black dude dies first. You snag it.

[An alien fly is inside Harry Block and the surgeons debate on how to remove it]

Dr. Allison Reed:
What are you gonna do?

Dr. Paulson:
We might have to amputate.

Harry Block:
Whoa, Doc! Don't take my leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.

Ira Kane:
Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Nurse Tate:
Doctor, look!

Paulson:
It's headed for his testicles.

Block:
Take it! Take it! Take the leg!

Paulson:
Look, it's going the other way. Maybe we can catch it in his colon.

Tate:
How are you going in?

Paulson:
Rectally.

Harry:
[squealing] No-o-o-o-o!

Tate:
I'll get the lubricant.

Paulson:
There's no time for lubricant.

Harry:
There's always time for lubricant!!

[Wayne tries to get the alien's attention by saying "caw-caw" and "tookie tookie" repeatedly]

Harry Block:
Wayne! I think we've established that "Ca-caw, ca-caw" and "Tookie, tookie" don't work.

Wayne Grey:
Right. Sorry. [starts singing into the mike] You are so beautiful to me.

Ira Kane:
Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.

Block:
Uh-uh, stand down. I'm taking this one out myself.

Grey:
You are so beautiful to me.

Block:
Wayne, would you please stop? You're embarrassing me.

Dr. Allison Reed:
There's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I don't know exactly how.

Ira Kane:
Well, we're all adults here, and we're all about to die a very horrible death anyway, so?

Reed:
I would've rocked your world.

Kane:
You already have.

Ira Kane:
Allow me to share something with the entire class. Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same old, boring magazine everyday. The end." And although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be, I still could not bring myself to put an "A" on top of those beauties. I hope you understand, guys.

Ira Kane:
Let's shampoo us some aliens!!

Harry Block:
[during the second expedition to the meteorite cavern, to Ira about Dr. Reed] All she needs is a good humping. [mocks Reed while "demonstrating" sex] Oh Ira! I-i-i-i-ra?...OOOH IRA!