Exes & Ohs

Crutch:
[to the women she wants to move in with] You can't be a lesbian and a republican! [the slam the door shut] DEVIANTS!

Jennifer:
[Sam enters Jennifer's apartment] I'm working, Sam.

Sam:
You're pissed that Charlie went for me, instead of you. Okay, I get it. I warned you that your heart was still fragile.

Jennifer:
This is not about me.

Sam:
Well, you're the one that who wanted to make this a competition.

Jennifer:
Yeah, but then you and your tied up shirt, and you showing yourself off - you kept going, even after she insulted me. Do you have to conquer every girl, no matter what?

Sam:
Are you calling me a slut?

Jennifer:
Am I saying slut?

Sam:
No, worse. You're thinking it.

Jennifer:
I was not thinking you were a slut. You were thinking that I was thinking you were a slut-...

Sam:
[raises her voice] Okay, what would make me not a slut, Jen? Not having sex for thirteen months?

Jennifer:
Just because I haven't slept with anyone since Sienna-...

Sam:
And just because I slept with two whole people the last week... Look, being able to have sex without becoming emotionally involved, isn't a bad thing.

Jennifer:
Yeah, as long as your needs are being met, to hell with what anyone else feels.

Sam:
So, this isn't just about that Charlie-thing anymore, now is it? [beat] Look, you and I did not break up because of some dumb-ass drunken make-out session at a college party. And Sienna she left you a long time ago before we caught in that steam room with Emily.

Jennifer:
[raises her voice] Wait, and somehow this is my fault? She and I-...

Sam:
Because you so hate conflict!

Jennifer:
Am I having some of it now, aren't I?

Sam:
[louder] Oh yeah, you're good, aren't ya? 8 years later. It's about time that yo-...

Jennifer:
[louder] You were perfectly fine and willing to let it go, as long as you don't have to confront the fact, that you've actually hurt someone!

Sam:
Instead of dealing with things as they come up, which might actually start - OH MY GOD - an argument, you lie to yourself, Jen. And you tell yourself that everything is just fine!

Jennifer:
Tell me how, I should've known everything was not fine, when you and I were making plans to get an apartment together after college!

Sam:
Oh my - [yelling] Well, I wasn't ready to marry you!

Jennifer:
[yelling] I wasn't asking! [beat] But what if where were headed felt too much of an commitment for you, you should've said something.

Sam:
[quiet] I tried [starts to leave]

Jennifer:
[beat] Yeah, by shoving your tongue down Kacey Black's throat.

Jennifer:
[after an argument about who's third to bowl. Jennifer is about to bowl] You were never third.

Sam:
Just bowl... [Jennifer starts to throw]... said the slut.

Jennifer:
[about their previous argument] Maybe I should loosen up... Thirteen months is a long time.

Sam:
You don't have to be me, Jennifer.

Jennifer:
No, but a bit tougher would be good. [beat] Your heart doesn't break after one date.

Sam:
[laughing] Nope. [a beat, serious now] My heart's only broken once.

Sam:
Mom, I'm very happy being a bartender.

Sam's Mother:
Well, at one time you were very happy being straight. [beat] and then Jennifer came along.

Jennifer:
You parents didn't like the house?

Sam:
They didn't like you.

Jennifer:
What? They loved me!

Sam:
I think they think you turned me gay.

Jennifer:
Turned you gay? You were sleeping with girls, before I was even kissing boys.

Sam:
Yeah, but you're the first girl I ever introduced them to.

Sam:
[about Jennifer's questions if she should start a relationship with her boss] People mix business and pleasure all the time. Take the girl AND the money... Of course if you hadn't turned me gay, I wouldn't be telling you to take the girl at all.

Charles, Sam's Father:
We do love Jennifer. We didn't mean anything by it. [beat] Come on, Sam. Don't be so sensitive.

Sam:
I'm not being sensitive, Dad. People don't just turn gay.

Charles, Sam's Father:
You weren't gay until college. In high school you had one boyfriend after the other.

Sam:
I also had girlfriends, that I never told you about.

Charles, Sam's Father:
Well, I've always been supportive of your lifestyle choices.

Sam:
It's not a lifestyle. And it's not a choice. Being single is a choice. Being gay isn't. It's who I am. [beat] Maybe someday I'll settle down, but I'm never gonna be straight, and I'm fine with that. I love who I am. I am happy for me... I just wish that you were, too.

Charles, Sam's Father:
I am.

Sam:
No, I don't think you are.