F Troop

Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke:
F Troop just wouldn't be the same without the Old Man, sir.

Captain Wilton Parmenter:
What Old Man?

Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke:
Why, you, sir. You're the Old Man.

Captain Wilton Parmenter:
That's right. I keep forgetting I'm the Old Man around here.

Captain Wilton Parmenter:
We come in peace.

Chief Wild Eagle:
What else?

[repeated line]

Captain Wilton Parmenter:
Janie, please, I've told you: not in front of the men.

[repeated line]

Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke:
Agarn, I don't know why everybody says you're so dumb!

[after switching to the next scene]

Corporal Randolph Agarn:
Who says I'm dumb?

[repeated line]

Corporal Randolph Agarn:
I'm warning you, Dobbs!

[repeated line]

Wrangler Jane:
Wilton Parmenter!

Chief Wild Eagle:
It is balloon!

Corporal Randolph Agarn:
How do you get to Fort Courage? That's easy. You take a right at the rock that looks like a bear, then a left at the bear that looks like a rock...

Chief Wild Eagle:
Hekawi not fighters! Hekawi lovers!

Chief Wild Eagle:
[when asked how the Hekawi got their name] Many moons ago tribe move west because Pilgrims ruin neighborhood. Tribe travel west, over country and mountains and wild streams, then come big day... tribe fall over cliff, that when Hekawi get name. Medicine man say to my ancestor, "I think we lost. Where the heck are we?"

Chief Wild Eagle:
Hekawis very brave warriors, except for one thing...

Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke:
What's that?

Chief Wild Eagle:
We *faint* a lot.

Chief Wild Eagle:
[Agarn has given Wild Eagle a parasol] Thanks Agarn, every summer me tired of being redskin.

Chief Wild Eagle:
Teepee never empty when frost on nose of buffalo [pause] It lose in translation

Chief Wild Eagle:
[upon seeing the balloon floating over the Hekawi camp] IT IS BALLOON!

[repeated line]

Col. Heindreich von Zeppel:
Are your hands clean? Be careful with my Schnitzel.

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
[O'Rourke and Agarn bring a cannon to Chief Wild Eagle] Well here's your cannon, Chief. Now you owe me two dozen blankets.

Chief Wild Eagle:
Just one minute. We've been stuck before by a fast talking paleface.

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
I tell ya boys this is the real cannon. It works perfectly.

Chief Wild Eagle:
Me see first. If not good, me sue. [Excitedly] Oh - me not Sioux, me Hikawi!

Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift:
[Wilton and Jane are alone together] Oh Wilton, you're so sweet [she kisses him on the cheek] and so thoughtful, and so kind. [She kisses him again while in the distance the cannon is fired]

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Did you feel that? Somewhere between "thoughtful" and "kind" I think the Earth moved!

Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift:
I do thank you for the compliment but you deserve most of the credit. Wilton Parmenter you're a kissing bearcat - come on and pucker up! [She kisses him again]

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Careful now, you'll bend my saber.

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
[It's reveille and the Hakawi still have the Fort's cannon] Where's our cannon?

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
Uh, well sir, you see sir, we sent the cannon away, sir, to have the bore flamonized and the barrel glomerated and polished and refurbished.

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
[Oblivious to O'Rourkes shenanigans] Oh, how long will that take?

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
I should think about a week, sir.

Colonel Donnely:
[Col. Donnely of the Inspector General's office rides into the Fort] Captain Parmenter?

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Yes, sir.

Colonel Donnely:
General Ulysses S. Grant sends his compliments. The General is on an inspection tour and will be here by noon tomorrow.

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Yes, Colonel.

Colonel Donnely:
I expect Fort Courage to be in tip-top condition.

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Yes, sir.

Colonel Donnely:
I also expect the customary 18 gun salute for the General. Where is your cannon?

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Cannon? Oh, we sent the cannon out. We're having the barrel flamonized and the barrel glomerated, and polishing and refurbishing.

Colonel Donnely:
[Dumbfounded] What? What are talking you about, Captain?

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
We sent the cannon to be repaired sir, so that it would be in first class condition for the General's visit.

Colonel Donnely:
And how did you know the Genera was going to visit?

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
We have scouts, sir, we have scouts everywhere.

Colonel Donnely:
Well that cannon better be back here in perfect condition by noon tomorrow. [He turns and rides off]

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
If he wants it back by noon tomorrow, maybe we should skip the flamonizing and just glomerate it.

Wild Eagle:
How do you get to Fort Courage? That's easy. You take a right at the rock that looks like a bear, then a left at the bear that looks like a rock...

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Senor El Diablo? Yo gringo! Usted bandito! Usted under arresto!

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
Genuine Indian blankets, a hundred percent wool!

Wild Eagle:
Ten percent wool, ninety percent cotton. I know, we make 'em.

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
Play slowly! Slowly! That way you won't lose so fast!

Hannibal Dobbs:
Uh, beggin' the captain's pardon, sir, but don't we have enough drunks in F Troop already?

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
Well, Sarge, what do we do?

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
I don't know but I'll think of something.

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
I got it!

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
What?

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
The captain wants the money by nine thirty?

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
Right.

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
We leave town at nine.

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
Ahh! For desertion you get twenty years!

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
So what? For embezzling army funds you get twenty-five. I just saved us five years.

Henry Terkel:
I do not gamble, I do not drink, I do not pursue women!

[Repeated Line]

Trooper Duffy:
[Starts in a low tone then gradually raises voice to a shout at the end] There we were, standing shoulder to shoulder with Davy Crocket. Out backs to the wall, cannonballs flying to the right, cannonballs flying to the left! [Is either stopped in the middle or trails off]

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
I gotta get out of here, my blood pressure's ready to pop!

Major Bradley:
But you made that treaty in good faith. I was even told you smoked a peace pipe.

Chief Wild Eagle:
I didn't inhale.

Colonel:
But you made that treaty in good faith. I was even told you smoked a peace pipe.

Chief Wild Eagle:
I didn't inhale.

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
Put down that bottle of Demon Rum! Don't give in to temptation!

Crazy Cat:
When Wild Eagle away, Crazy Cat play.

Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke:
[O'Rourke and Agarn are meeting with Chief Wild Eagle] Wild Eagle, my brother.

Chief Wild Eagle:
You some brother. The still is still busted. How you expect Hekawi make firewater?

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
We'll get you a new coil and when we do, stop holding out liquor for the tribe. Indians aren't supposed to drink alcohol.

Chief Wild Eagle:
Who says so?

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
Everybody.

Chief Wild Eagle:
That's just nasty rumor spread by sister-in-law Sparkling Water! She one big bluenosed red skin!

Chief Wild Eagle:
Have you ever seen a war dance?

Roaring Chicken:
Oh I see war dance many moons ago, many many many moons.

Chief Wild Eagle:
You and your moons. When?

Roaring Chicken:
Forty-two years ago, last August.

Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke:
Well, what did it look like?

Roaring Chicken:
War dance like rain dance... only drier.

B Wise:
Would you believe I'm the man of a thousand faces?

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
I find that hard to believe.

B Wise:
Would you believe eight hundred and fifty?

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
You know, my grandmother used to say: show me a thief and I'll show you a man who steals.

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Corporal Agarn speaks English as well as anyone from New Jersey.

Chief Wild Eagle:
[upon seeing Count Sforza for the first time] Now that's what I call a paleface!

[Agarn believes the Count has transformed Captain Parmenter into a chicken, which lays an egg]

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
Congratulations, sir. You're a mother.

[Agarn is frightened to be at Count Sforza's front door; they believe the Count has kidnapped Jane]

Cpl. Randolph Agarn:
I still say we didn't have to come. We coulda written a threatening letter.

Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift:
[Last lines] I'm so proud of you - you risked *your* life to save *my* life.

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Well, I suppose that was part of it. Also, I didn't want a civilian to get away with my uniform.

Wrangler Jane Angelica Thrift:
I've never seen anything like it. Wilton fell down, and the bullet hit the cannon, and the cannon hit the water tower, and the water hit Kid Vicious.

Kid Vicious:
Parmenter?

Capt. Wilton Parmenter:
Yes, Vicious?

Kid Vicious:
Lucky shot!

"Dobs, I keep tellin' you!"

Sparrow fly high in dead of night,but, cannot build dam with tail of beaver

Chief when will those souvenir mocassins be ready ?

Oh when beaver build dam !

When will that be ?

Oh when geese fly South !

Well when will that be ?

Ok..be ready by Tuesday !

Count Sfoza offers to save a piece of "Wolfberry Pie" he's making for Chief Wild Eagle. Chief waves off his offer and responds, "Never mind. Every time me eats Wolfberry pie, Stomach Howl All Night!"

Parmenter:
Well what are you and Janey going to be doing tonight?

Agars:
We are going to be walking through the fields, picking wild flowers.

Parmenter:
Why would you two be doing that; it’s too dark to pick wild flowers at night!

Agarn:
Well Sir, that’s what makes it so_ wild!

when frost on pumpkin squall run up tree bullfrog no sing in snow

When frost of winter light on nose of Buffalo, Bird with tail of beaver not fly very far.

Remember my son, Burnt wood never grows old!

When shadow of plump squaw fall on teepee, time for beaver to swim upstream.