Faerie Tale Theatre

Aladdin:
Where do you come from?

Genie:
Originally? [Aladdin nods] I was born from the thundering wind, that blew from the mouth of the Great White Bear, who came from the fiery yellow Sun, who is the eye of the all-powerful being whose name I am forbidden to speak! And you are?

Aladdin:
Aladdin. I... was born from Mustafa the tailor. And that's my mother there, passed out from fright.

Genie:
[laughs] Amusing!

Fairy Godmother:
Honey, where are your glass slippers?

Cinderella:
Oh, Fairy Godmother, something terrible happened. I was kicking the stones as I was walking down the cobbleway...

Fairy Godmother:
What?

Cinderella:
[Whips out the glass slippers] Gotcha!

Cinderella:
Do you know anything about kissing?

Prince Henry:
Yes. I'm almost certain it has something to do with the lips.

Prince Henry:
I don't even know her name.

King:
You don't even know her name? What have you been calling her all this while, Hey, you?

King:
Say you'll marry the girl who fits this slipper.

Prince Henry:
Oh, that's a wonderful idea!

King:
Of course, I'm the King.

Stepmother:
She's just Cinderella. She's nothing but a nothing.

Prince Henry:
As they say, madam, it takes one to know one.

Fairy Godmother:
I love my work.

Bertha:
That's such a gorgeous dress! Where did you have it made?

Cinderella:
Oh, it's just something I poofed together.

Prince Henry:
Poofed?

Cinderella:
Did I say poofed? Oh, I meant put together.

Cinderella:
Fairy godmother, where are you? It's not fair. It's all just a cruel joke. I don't like your sense of humour anymore. I'm hopelessly in love and I'll never see him again. I wish there'd never been any magic and I wish you had never come here. Because then I would never have known what I was missing. I love you, Prince Henry.

Arlene:
Ohhh Mother this hurts!

Stepmother:
I told you Arlene, that glass slipper is supposedly VERY tiny. YOU HAVE GOT TO SHRINK THOSE FEET!

Bertha:
You know something? I think I may have lost a glass slipper. YES, I'M ALMOST POSITIVE!

[referring to the glass slipper]

Prince Henry:
It's a perfect fit. I've found my princess.

Cinderella:
Thank you, I've been looking for that everywhere.

[takes out the other slipper]

Arlene:
She cheated!

Alfred:
My feet are killing me.

Prince Henry:
And their feet are killing me. If I see one more fallen arch I'll scream.

Fairy Godmother:
What's reality, does anybody know? [disappears]

King:
What a beautiful lady. Well, are you going to introduce me?

Prince Henry:
We're dancing, Father.

King:
So? I'm the King, introduce me.

Cinderella:
I've heard so much about you.

Prince Henry:
Can you come back again later? Please?

King:
All right... No need to get huffy.

Cinderella:
I'm sorry I didn't recognize you.

Prince Henry:
That's all right. In fact, it's quite refreshing. I get tired of being recognized all the time. Of course, it's hard to stay anonymous when your face is on all the money.

[after having transformed the step-mother and step-sisters into rabbits]

Fairy Godmother:
I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

Cinderella:
But Fairy Godmother, isn't it a little cruel to turn them into rabbits?

Fairy Godmother:
They'll be back to normal at midnight.

Prince Henry:
Midnight? Midnight! Then that explains...

Fairy Godmother:
Not only handsome, but smart.

Fairy Godmother:
Honey, I'm your fairy godmother. Didn't you see me "poof" next to you?

Bertha:
Would you like something to drink? Perhaps some ham?

Stepmother:
It's just Cinderella. She's nothing but a nothing.

Prince Henry:
Madam, it takes one, as they say, to know one.

Cinderella:
Do you know anything about kissing?

Prince Henry:
I'm almost certain it has something to do with the lips.

Cinderella:
I'm hopelessly in love and now I'll never see him again.

Cinderella:
But Fairy Godmother, isn't it a little cruel to turn them into rabbits.

Fairy Godmother:
They'll be back to normal at midnight.

Prince Henry:
Midnight? Midnight! Then that explains...

Fairy Godmother:
Not only handsome, but smart.

Fairy Godmother:
[after having transformed the step-mother and step-sisters into rabbits] I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

Prince Henry:
[referring to the glass slipper] It's a perfect fit. I've found my princess.

Cinderella:
Thank you, I've been looking for that everywhere.

[takes out the other slipper]

Arlene:
She cheated!

Ranger:
Actually, this is not a social visit.

Papa Bear:
If it's about those stolen picnic baskets, we have nothing to do with that.

The King:
I see in you the mark of intelligence.

Miller:
Me, sir?

The King:
You, Miller. I am surrounded by fools, you are the man that will give me good advice.

Miller:
Me?

The King:
Are you not intelligent?

Miller:
[Shaking his head; then nodding it.] Uh yes sir, mmmhmm!

The King:
It will be done. Tonight. Tomorrow all this straw will be gold or I will not be pleased.

The Wizard:
He will not be pleased.

The King:
And you will die.

The Wizard:
You will die.

The King:
She embroiders tapestries that resemble gold?

Miller:
Well in a way, sir, they are gold.

The King:
In what way are they gold?

Miller:
In a sort of a gold way they are gold.

The miller's daughter:
[Searching through straw] Little man. Oh little man. Why won't you answer me?

The Wizard:
[Coming in] Did you call me?

The miller's daughter:
No.

The miller's daughter:
Who are you?

Rumpelstiltskin:
The question is, who are you? The miller's daughter, right?

The miller's daughter:
Yes.

Rumpelstiltskin:
And why are you crying so? That's the other question.

The miller's daughter:
Because I must...

Rumpelstiltskin:
Because you must spin this straw into gold?

The miller's daughter:
Right again.

The miller's daughter:
Short Ribs?

Rumpelstiltskin:
No.

The miller's daughter:
Sheep Shank?

Rumpelstiltskin:
No.

The miller's daughter:
Segbutt!

Rumpelstiltskin:
No.

The miller's daughter:
Sludge!!

Rumpelstiltskin:
No!!

Miller:
I do know of one beauty. If you can believe her boasting father.

The King:
Oh really? Who?

Miller:
My daughter.

The King:
Your daughter?

Miller:
Yes my lord.

Miller:
Daughter! Where is my beautiful daughter?

The miller's daughter:
Yes father?

Miller:
Wash your face and put on a dress. You're going to meet the king.

The miller's daughter:
Oh father, you've been drinking in town.

Rumpelstiltskin:
A secret for you my queen. I don't want the riches of your kingdom. I'd rather have something live.

[King, Daughter and Wizard enter larger straw room]

The miller's daughter:
All this? Into gold?

The King:
By morning.

The Wizard:
Or...!

The miller's daughter:
I die.

Rumpelstiltskin:
I'll give you three days to find out what my name is.

The miller's daughter:
What is your name?

Rumpelstiltskin:
It's-- That's what you have to find out.

Miller:
Who needs a chicken for a friend?

The King:
Who stands out there?

The Wizard:
Your loyal subjects. Come to pay their monthly tribute.

The King:
Send me one.

The Wizard:
Sir?

The King:
Send one of those fellows in here.

The Wizard:
Which sir?

The King:
I don't care. Send me that lowely stupid looking one that's covered with dust. Who's he?

The Wizard:
The miller, sir, with his sack of flour.

The King:
He'll do.

The King:
You must spin for me just one more night then I will make you my wife.

The Wizard:
Wife?! Uh, I mean to say, oh your wife?

The King:
My queen!

The Wizard:
The Miller's Daughter, my lord, your queen?

The King:
Yes you toothless rube, where else am I going to meet a girl who is richer?!

The Wizard:
[dignity stricken] I have teeth, sire.

The King:
[While the opening credits theme plays] Stop!

The Wizard:
Your Majesty?

The King:
No more music!

The Wizard:
yes, Your Majesty, but why, Your Majesty?

The King:
I am unhappy.

The Wizard:
But why, Your Majesty, every princess in this world has begged to marry you.

The King:
Yes, yes.

The Wizard:
Princess Ansonia of Brazard, she who is more beautiful than even the royal swan.

The King:
Yes, yes.

The Wizard:
Princess Delgoon of Venzor.

The King:
Yes, yes!

The Wizard:
Princess...

The King:
Yes, NO! None of these names excite me. Except maybe to excite me to anger.

The King:
More music, and faster! Faster!

The King:
[the baby sneezes] Ah, the prince has spoken!

The Wizard:
[forced] Oh yes, my lord.

The miller's daughter:
I'm looking for a very short small man.

The King:
I'm so pleased, with all this gold.

Rumpelstiltskin:
And if were...

The miller's daughter:
What?

Rumpelstiltskin:
If I were to turn this straw into gold, and you were to become queen, would you... would you give me your first born child?

The miller's daughter:
He'd never make me queen.

Rumpelstiltskin:
I ask you, would you?

The miller's daughter:
He couldn't have been sincere.

Rumpelstiltskin:
[drawn out] Your first born child.

The miller's daughter:
[a pause] Yes.

The miller's daughter:
I miss my farm and my bed and my friends who never tell me I'm to die, even when I disappoint them.

King:
Who stands out there?

Wizard:
Your loyal subjects come to pay their monthly tribute.

King:
Send me one.

Wizard:
Sir?

King:
Send one of those fellows in here.

Wizard:
Which, sir?

King:
I don't care. Send me... That lowly stupid looking one that's covered with dust. Who's he?

Wizard:
The miller, sir, with his sack of flour.

King:
He'll do.

King:
You must spin for me just one more night. And when you do, I will make you my wife.

Wizard:
Wife? Uh, I mean to say, oh your wife?

King:
My queen.

Wizard:
The miller's daughter, my lord, your queen?

King:
Yes, you toothless rube, where else am I going to meet a girl who's richer?

Wizard:
I have teeth, sire.

King:
I see in you the mark of intelligence.

The Miller:
Me, sir?

King:
You, Miller. I am surrounded by fools. You are the man who will give me good advice.

The Miller:
Me?

King:
Are you not intelligent?

The Miller:
Um...

[Shakes his head, then nods]

The Miller:
Yes, sir, mm-hmm.

Miller's Daughter:
Little man, oh little man? Oh, why won't you answer me?

Wizard:
[Suddenly comes in] Did you call me?

Miller's Daughter:
No!

Good Fairy:
But someday a prince will come.

Henbane:
You do have a way with words, dear heart.

The Good Fairy:
[Henbane has just created yet another obstacle for the prince to get through before reaching the sleeping princess] You know, Henbane, for a Good Fairy, you're really not very nice.

Henbane:
Takes all kinds.

Sleeping Beauty:
["My son, the Prince" has arrived to meet his future bride, Sleeping Beauty, who is preparing in her room] Oh, I do hope the Prince likes me for father's sake; it seems so important to him. [Trumpets sound, she goes to the window to see the Prince's arrival] He does seem well-formed.

"My son, the Prince":
[the peasants welcome the Prince, throwing petals and confetti] Oh! Oh! Get off, maggots! They're such filthy little pests! My, my, my word! [He kicks the crutch from under a peasant's arm]

King Murray:
Are you all right? He apologizes, he apologizes. Mind your manners!

"My son, the Prince":
I can't allow the rabble such familiarity. Where will it end?

King Murray:
We're trying to make a good impression!

"My son, the Prince":
What, upon this beastly lot of peasants? Don't be absurd.

King Murray:
[Sees Sleeping Beauty at the window] Ah, she's watching!

"My son, the Prince":
Oh. Yes. Well, she should, for I have come to let her bask in the reflected glory of my royal self. [Bows with a flourish] Lucky wench.

King Boris:
[King Boris and Queen Natasha come out to greet them] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. "What ho!" [King Murray looks confused] You know, "what ho!"

"My son, the Prince":
[laughs] "What ho"? Did you say, "what ho"? Oh, *stop*, what a frightfully old fashioned kingdom!

King Murray:
Oh, all right, all right, I'll do it: "What ho!" May I present my son, the Prince? [to the Prince] Say hello...

"My son, the Prince":
Hello.

King Boris:
Welcome to my kingdom.

"My son, the Prince":
Ha! "Kingdom" indeed!

Sleeping Beauty:
[to her maids] He may be quite brave...

"My son, the Prince":
[sees a small dog] Aaah! What's that? Aah! Go away! Back, back, back, back, back! [Jumps into his father's arms and whimpers, then realizes what he's doing] All right [bats his father's arms away] don't just stand there, let's get on with it, show me this princess. [the two kings and the queen point to Sleeping Beauty's window, which is now empty] Well, where is she? Hm?

The Good Fairy:
But someday a prince will come.

Henbane:
You do have a way with words, dear heart.

[first lines]

The Magic Mirror:
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, with graceful forests and towering mountains, there lived a beautiful young queen. As well as being lovely, she was a warm person. And she and the king were very much in love. One day, as she was sewing a birthday gift for her husband, she pricked her finger with the needle.

The Good Queen:
[pricking her finger, then gazing at the blood] Ooh... oh, how I wish I could have a child with lips a deep red. [putting her pricked finger to her lips, then gazing out the window at the falling snow] And skin white as snow. And hair black as the wood on my window frame.

The King:
Bills, bills, bills, nothing but bills! Two thousand francs for oranges? They might as well squeeze me dry! A thousand five hundred francs for muskets? Why, there hasn't been a shot fired in this kingdom for years! They can see a king coming a mile away!

The Soldier:
You know, most women your age are already married.

Jeanetta:
I take that as a compliment, soldier. My father has been trying to marry me off for years, but I am not marrying kind.

The Soldier:
Oh really? I would have thought otherwise.

Jeanetta:
No. I have no patience for hearts and flowers and young men who brag about this victory and that. There's more to life than romance.

The Soldier:
Eh, this cloak is a dud... God king Wenceslas, where's my arm? My arm is gone!

The Soldier:
Oh, hello.

Jeanetta:
Hello.

The Soldier:
And to what do I owe the honour of this visit, hmmm?

Jeanetta:
Well my sisters and I thought you might like some cookies and milk before retiring.

The Soldier:
Cookies and Milk? Oh, my favorite. Is that your father over there? [pours milk out in plant while Jeanetta turns her head]

Loretta:
[playing checkers] You're really fun! You certainly aren't dull like all those princes.

The Soldier:
Maybe that's because I'm not a prince.

Loretta:
Do you think I'm pretty?

The Soldier:
Do I think you're pretty? I think you're very pretty.

Loretta:
Would you pick me to marry?

The Soldier:
I might. Except I'm a little bit older than you and I think that maybe you should be with some young, handsome man, someone who can keep up with you.

Loretta:
I should?

The Soldier:
Definitely. [places checker piece down] King me.

The Lame Boy:
[holding up a rat for the Pied Piper to see] You're needed here without a doubt... you must have figured *that* much out.

The Pied Piper:
How's Hamelin fixed for rodent slayers?

The Mayor:
Oh no, not another necromancer! We're giving none a second chance, sir!

The Lame Boy:
Are you an actor?

The Pied Piper:
You might call me a rat attractor.

Willie:
But I'm on holiday! What's the point of being on holiday if you can't stay up?

Robert Browning:
That's a very clever argument, young Willie to be sure! And while I'm certain I can't answer it as you phrased it, put like that I see no reason why you shouldn't stay up until dawn, that's what holidays are for.

The Mayor:
If our contract we would sever, we'll have to be a bit more clever!

The Pied Piper:
If you break the promise that you made... this is the only time I'll warn... by the time the sun has changed to shade, you'll wish you all were never born!

The Mayor:
Do you threaten us, fellow? Go, do your worst! Blow your pipe until you burst! [the other councillors make sounds of agreement]

The Pied Piper:
So be it. [he turns to leave, but at the door turns back] Hamelin's... cursed! [he leaves, closing the door behind him]

Townswoman:
[at a town meeting] Just a moment! Where's the mayor?

Burly Townsman:
He said he'd try and stop by later... something about a major meeting having to do with banquet seating.

Townswoman:
Typical! You know what that's about!

Old Townswoman:
They're sitting there drinking stout!

Necromancer:
[about the rats] Get rid of them? There that problem's hard to fix. After all, this is the year only 1376.

Townswoman:
It's later than you think!

[last lines]

Robert Browning:
[softly and gently] So, Willie... let me and you be wipers of scores out with all men... especially pipers. And whether they pipe us free from rats or from mice, if we've promise them aught... let us keep our promise.

Burly Townsman:
[a la James Cagney, finding a rat nesting in his hat] You... you dirty rat!

Necromancer:
Science hasn't figured out the rat... after all, we still think the world is flat.

Robert Browning:
[the young townswoman is seen sitting beside the empty bed of her missing child] Alas... alas for Hamelin. [the young townswoman bends over the bed and begins sobbing]

The Lame Boy:
And just as I became assured my lame foot would be speedily cured, the music stopped and I stood still... [we see the Lame Boy at night standing before the place in the mountain where the portal had opened] and found myself outside the hill...

The Lame Man:
[He turns around and we see that it is the Lame Boy grown into an adult] Left alone against my will... to go now limping as before and never hear of that country more.

The Pied Piper:
This I'll promise... the time may come when I wear out my current welcome. Should that happen, you have my word I'll remember what I heard and give you my protection.

The Lame Boy:
Against what?

The Pied Piper:
Why, unnatural selection.

The Pied Piper:
[to the Mayor and council after they've tried to cheat him] Folks who put me in a passion... may find me pipe after another fashion!

King:
Now go to your room, you ungrateful child, before I get really angry and suspend your library privileges!

Princess Henrietta:
Oh, don't I wish!

Prince Richard:
I want something soft and warm, like... a hamster.

The Fool:
A hamster?

Prince Richard:
Yes, you see, if I had a hamster, I could teach it little tricks like --

The Fool:
Ah, Richie, what I think you need is a wife.

Prince Richard:
A wife?

The Fool:
Yeah.

Prince Richard:
Would that be better than a hamster?

The Fool:
Much.

[Alecia has just drunk from Richard's glass]

Prince Richard:
You've infected my milk!

Prince Richard:
I say, do you know where you are?

Princess Alecia:
I know exactly where I am. I'm lost.

Prince Richard:
Something ghastly has happened to this room.

Princess Alecia:
I cleaned it up.

Princess Alecia:
I'd like to sympathize with you but unfortunately life isn't always perfect.

Prince Richard:
Well, for a prince it jolly well ought to be.

Princess Alecia:
But it isn't.

Prince Richard:
Why not?

Princess Alecia:
Because princes are human beings and human beings aren't perfect. Of course I come pretty close.

Prince Richard:
Why can't I find a woman who's... who's kind, and gentle and understanding?

Princess Alecia:
And *fun*, Richard, and fun.

Prince Richard:
And fun. Someone who's... who's... Well, just like you. Oh, I say.

Queen Veronica:
Who is this?

Prince Richard:
This is Princess Alecia, who happens to be the girl I've decided to m-m-m-m...

Princess Alecia:
Marry.

Prince Richard:
Thank you.

Princess Alecia:
Just a minute, you haven't passed *my* test. To see if you're a real prince or not.

[he sputters]

Prince Richard:
That is absurd, of course I'm the prince. Ask anybody.

Princess Alecia:
Wait a minute. This is the test. You have to kiss me.

Prince Richard:
That's it?

Princess Alecia:
Would you wait a minute? You have to kiss me. And if you're a real prince, then I should hear trumpets playing and bells ringing, and I should see stars exploding.

Prince Richard:
Oh, Lord. I... I suppose I could give it a whirl.

Prince Richard:
You've infected my milk.

Princess Alecia:
Just a minute, you haven't passed my test. To see if you're a real prince or not.

Prince Richard:
[he sputters] That is absurd, of course I'm the prince. Ask anybody.

Princess Alecia:
Wait a minute. This is the test. You have to kiss me.

Prince Richard:
That's it?

Princess Alecia:
Would you wait a minute? You have to kiss me. And if you're a real prince, then I should hear trumpets playing and bells ringing, and I should see stars exploding.

Prince Richard:
Oh, Lord. I... I suppose I could give it a whirl.

[first lines]

Host:
For centuries story tellers have spun their tales of magic and enchantment for the young at heart. Some are funny, some are scary and some romantic. So sit back, relax and meet a princess who finds happiness by keeping her promise to a frog. Robin Williams and Teri Garr in 'The Frog Prince'. Ribbit!

Princess:
[to Prince Robin] You horny frog.

[last lines]

Narrator:
And so they lived happily after. The Prince's Fairy Godmother promised that this would be the last of her frog tricks.

Princess:
You are ladies in waiting. That's what you do... you wait.

Paul:
[to Tina] Tell me, Bacon Bits, where've you been all my life?

Larry:
[to his brothers] We could form a band and call ourselves "Peter, Paul and Larry"

Buck Wolf:
[to a twittering songbird] Shut up, I'm thinking!

Peter:
[after Larry suggests installing a stained-glass window] Why would I want to stain my window? I just cleaned it.