Family Affairs

[Babs and Shaun are arguing when Tanya cries out in pain]

Barbara 'Babs' Woods:
She's in labour! Quick, dump the midwife in the car and I'll phone the bag!

Lester 'Les' Boulter:
[after a row with Denise over her book club] Well, that's put an end to my "Great Expectations" for tonight!

Sam Taylor:
Fancy coming to McDonalds?

Lucy Day:
[referring to Trish] I've already seen one red-headed clown.

Kelly Boulter:
[Lucy is visibly drunk] How much have you had?

Lucy Day:
180!

Melanie 'Mel' Costello Boulter:
[talking about Katie to Lucy and Kelly] I've had deeper soup!

Pete Callan:
No son of mine plays with dolls!

Yasmin McHugh Matthews MacKenzie Green:
[about Pete and Eileen renewing their vows] I give it six months before he chucks her back in the river.

Trish Wallace:
[to Eileen about a Buck's Fizz song] Do you remember when we used to dance to this and rip off our skirts?

Pete Callan:
Why change the habit of a lifetime?

Gary Costello:
[after hearing Bradley confess to abusing Chloe] She's only 10 years old! [punches Bradley]

Chloe Costello:
[Eileen gives Chloe a gift for her 11th Birthday] Is it ticking?

Gemma Craig:
[to Benji about being ignored] I could dance naked and still they wouldn't notice!

Barbara 'Babs' Woods:
[trying to talk Tanya into having her wedding reception at the pub following the siege involving Pete, Eileen and Trish the week previous] It'll be fine. A few strategically-placed flowers to cover the bullet-holes...

Pete Callan:
[Tony is being abusive to Luisa during a row] No! Not in my pub!

Eve O'Brien:
[to Coral] I wish you were as bright as your fake tan!

Gary Costello:
I'll tell you what, Santa. You can take this hat and this job and stick 'em where the Christmas Lights don't shine!

Claire Toomey:
So, you've got a pub now.

Pete Callan:
That's right. What do you think?

Claire Toomey:
Well, it's definitely a come-down from The Lock.

Catriona 'Cat' Matthews Webb MacKenzie:
Don't pretend this is the first time you've had an affair. What about Holly Hart and Gabby Johnson?

Dave Matthews:
I never slept with Gabby Johnson!

Catriona 'Cat' Matthews Webb MacKenzie:
Only because she wouldn't have you.

Elsa Gates:
This family is falling apart - and I place responsibility FIRMLY as Maria Simons' door!

Lewis Davenport:
[On arriving in Charnham] It's a hole!

Claire Toomey:
What can I get you?

Roy Farmer:
George Clooney and a holiday in the sun? Failing that, I'll just have a coffee and a danish, please!

Roy Farmer:
What can I get you?

Cat Webb:
George Clooney and a holiday in the sun? Failing that, I'll just have a coffee and a danish, please!

Sadie Hargreaves:
How was Paris?

Pete Callan:
Still full of French people but otherwise it was great!

Charlotte Day:
Pete!

Cat:
[Drunk, staggering home] I knew I shouldn't have worn my heels!

Geri:
You're not wearing heels!

Cat:
Oh yeah!

Darren Scott:
[referring to Cat's knickers, which are among her possessions which Sadie has thrown out into the street] You could fit two pairs in there!

Pete Callan:
[on their anniversary, Pete presents Eileen with her taped confession of framing him for arson] Happy anniversary, darling.

Yasmin Green:
[at Pete's funeral, debating whether it's his body in the coffin] We are sure that's him in there, aren't we?

Doug MacKenzie:
[At Pete's Funeral where the attendance is pretty sparse] Not much of a turnout.

Cat MacKenzie:
Well, Sadie wasn't up to it, and you should have heard Julie-Ann on the phone. And Dave I had to stop from coming and setting off fireworks!

Cat MacKenzie:
[Cat is giving the Eulogy at Pete's Funeral] Pete Callan was a man we all... knew, erm... He was a father of two...

[Doug holds up three fingers]

Cat MacKenzie:
three! And, erm, he was a husband. Firstly there was Maria, and then Claire, and then Siobhan, although he had to remarry Siobhan because the first time was bigamy. And then finally there was Eileen. Pete will always be remembered as a bit of a colourful character. Although we never really saw him in anything but black!

[she laughs rather uncomfortably; Eileen walks in]

Eileen Callan:
Thank you, Cat.

Cat MacKenzie:
[after a pause] No Problem.

Eileen Callan:
That was a noble effort. Perhaps I can find the words for how Pete should be remembered. When a person dies before their time, we usually think what a shame it is; we overlook their faults, and we praise their qualities. In this company, I know I'd be wasting my breath. Pete Callan - my husband - was a liar. An adulterer. Yet this was the man I chose to live with. The man I married. The man I've recently discovered has cut me out of his life like I never existed. We'll think back on you, Pete - as the man most hated, and the man most adored. Not least by me. I know what's in my heart, and despite everything, because of you, I've been lucky enough to know what true love feels like. You can't ever rob me of that.

George Fitzgerald:
You'd help me look for Dick Whittington?

Hector Price:
I'd consider it an honour.

George Fitzgerald:
He's been missing almost a year. I get so lonely - the past twelve months and still no Dick.

Annie Hart:
Are you out of your mind? Angus Hart: Hey, there's a smell of gas from somewhere! Annie Hart: Please Chris, I'm so so sorry! Chris Hart: Get off me. [Chris throws Annie back onto a chair, she falls and a candle slides off the table, which ignites the floor] Angus Hart: NO, NOT THE CANDLE! [the boat blows up, killing the entire family]

Holly Hart:
Mum, I've made my decision!

Annie Hart:
THAT MAN IS SCUM!

Holly Hart:
Well, I love him! I knew I should have kept my mouth shut!

Chris Hart:
Hey, hey, hey - what is all this?

Annie Hart:
Our no-brained daughter has just CASUALLY informed me that she is about to elope with Dave Matthews!

Holly Hart:
No, it's not like that!

Annie Hart:
Then what is it like?

Melanie Hart:
Okay, calm down, both of you!

Annie Hart:
I'm sorry Mel! I can't let her do this.

Melanie Hart:
Well, what are you going to do? Send me to my room?

Annie Hart:
How can you be such a STUPID LITTLE COW?

Holly Hart:
I'm sorry, I've got to go.

Annie Hart:
Skulking off to meet him, are you? The pig hasn't got the guts to come here?

Melanie Hart:
Mum!

Holly Hart:
I'm sorry, Mel...

Chris Hart:
Holly, I don't understand! You can't just go. I mean, what the hell are you playing at?

Annie Hart:
Holly, you can't do this - you don't know what a mistake you're making!

Holly Hart:
WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST HIM? WHAT HAS HE EVER DONE TO YOU?

Chris Hart:
Oh no. Please. No. Don't tell me it was Dave...? How could you do it, Annie? You B*TCH.

Holly Hart:
I'm GOING!

Angus Hart:
Hey, there's a smell of gas from somewhere!

Annie Hart:
Please Chris, I'm so so sorry!

Chris Hart:
Get off me. [Chris throws Annie back onto a chair, she falls and a candle slides off the table, which ignites the floor]

Angus Hart:
NO, NOT THE CANDLE! [the boat blows up, killing the entire family]