Family Fortunes

Les Dennis:
[when given a daft answer] If it's there, I'll give you the money myself.

Les Dennis:
Name a way of toasting someone.

Contestant:
[buzzing in] Over a fire?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
If that answer's there, I'll give you the money myself! Over a fire?

[revealed as the 5th most popular answer - grill]

Les Dennis:
[in surprise] Oh, no!

[more audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
[still in shock] I owe you ?12! That's the first time it's ever happened!

[from Big Money]

Max Bygraves:
Name something people take with them to the beach.

Bob Johnson:
Turkey.

Max Bygraves:
The first thing you buy in a supermarket.

Bob Johnson:
[laughs] Uh, turkey.

Max Bygraves:
A food often stuffed.

Bob Johnson:
[laughs again] Turkey!

[a contestant has suggested paint as a unit of liquid measurement]

Andy Collins:
Don't worry, we'll get you back before Matron knows you're gone.

Andy Collins:
I'm only here for the silly answers.

Les Dennis:
Name something you stroke.

[contestant buzzes in]

Contestant:
Erm, you stroke a match?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
"Stroke" a match?

[Les then pretends to "stroke" a match, much to everyone's delight]

Les Dennis:
[to the "match"] Come on! Come on! You're my favourite match!

Max Bygraves:
Name a subject for a comedian's jokes.

[the contestants hit their buzzers, but nothing happens until a few seconds later]

Max Bygraves:
That's one of them.

Les Dennis:
Name something to do with the sea. Ron?

Contestant 1:
Deckchairs! [audience laughs]

Les Dennis:
"What's that out at sea? Thar she blows, that deckchair!" Ron wants to see a deckchair! [buzz!] It isn't there, so over to Pat.

Contestant 2:
[heavily accented] Coffin.

Contestant 2:
Coffee?

Contestant 2:
Coffin! Coffin!

Les Dennis:
A coffin? Oh, I see, a burial at see, you mean?

Contestant 2:
[confused] Huh? Yeah...

Les Dennis:
Oh, you're thinking of the letter C! S-E-A, I meant!

Les Dennis:
[after being given an answer that is even sillier than usual] If it's there, I'll give you the *car* myself!

Max Bygraves:
Living or dead, name a famous Irishman.

[Bob buzzes in]

Max Bygraves:
Yes?

Bob Johnson:
Disraeli.

Max Bygraves:
Disraeli? Is he Irish?

Bob Johnson:
[Almost laughing] No.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
Name something made of wool.

Contestant:
Sheep.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
Name something associated with "The X-Files".

[No one answers]

Les Dennis:
We could show you an episode right now while we're waiting.

Max Bygraves:
Any part of the body beginning with the letter N.

Contestant:
Knee.

[audience laughter. Bygraves buries his face in his hands while laughing hard]

[Following a commercial break after the Famous Irishman fiasco]

Max Bygraves:
Thank you. And welcome back to the Irish Embassy.

Max Bygraves:
We asked one hundred people what a man should know about a man before she marries him.

[Lin buzzes in]

Max Bygraves:
Just got it, Lin. What would you say?

Contestant:
His name.

Max Bygraves:
His what?

Contestant:
Name.

[audience laughter]

Max Bygraves:
[while laughing] Yeah, wonderful, yeah, his name, yeah. It'd be lovely in the back of a car. "With whom am I having the pleasure?"

Max Bygraves:
Name something you do when visitors are expected.

Contestant:
Bake. [In very heavy Northern accent, making it sound like "Beak"]

Max Bygraves:
Give a slang word for "money".

[Eva buzzes in]

Max Bygraves:
Eva?

Contestant:
B*tch.

[Bygraves, Eva and everyone start laughing]

Max Bygraves:
Pardon? B*tch? Why do you say "b*tch" for "money"?

Contestant:
But, "Mummy"...

Max Bygraves:
No, not "Mummy". "Money!"

[audience laughs even harder]

Les Dennis:
We asked a hundred people to name an article of clothing a woman might borrow from a man.

Contestant:
Um, underpants.

[audience laughter]

Max Bygraves:
Name something you like which is bad for you.

Contestant:
[Uneasily] Sex?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
We asked a hundred people to name something people take from hotels as a souvenir.

[Contestant buzzes in]

Les Dennis:
Ann?

Contestant:
The lamps.

Les Dennis:
The lamps?

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
This is experience talking, is it, Ann?

Contestant:
[laughing] Yeah.

Les Dennis:
Name something people keep in the garden shed.

Contestant:
Uh, the gardener.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
We asked a hundred people to name a polite word, or phrase, people use to curse.

[Contestant buzzes in]

Les Dennis:
Rachel.

Contestant:
Bugger.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
[laughing] That's VERY polite, Rachel!

Les Dennis:
Name a famous "Arthur".

Contestant:
Uh, Shakespeare.

[audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
I'll tell you what: if it's up there, I'll give you the CAR myself.

Les Dennis:
Name something tourists buy as a souvenir.

Contestant:
Drum gear.

Les Dennis:
Name a fruit used in fruit salad.

Contestant:
Cucumber.

Les Dennis:
Something added to whisky.

Contestant:
Gin.

Les Dennis:
A Parisian landmark.

Contestant:
Uh... Hawaii.

Gorden Kaye:
A type of decoration associated with Christmas.

Les Dennis:
Um... the, uh, the little... crackers!

Les Dennis:
You're supposed to be accident-prone, yeah?

Eddie Rose:
Yes, I was on a roof one day, nine o'clock one morning, and I fell off, and slid down a garage roof and went through a downstairs window and cut me leg pretty bad. That was at nine o'clock in the morning. They took me to hospital, sewed me leg up, they put it in a casing, put me in the waiting room and by now it's about twelve o'clock. And they gave me a pair of crutches, they said "You can go home", I was on me way home, going out the hospital gates and the crutch slipped and I fell down and broke me finger.

[audience applauses and roars with laughter]

Les Dennis:
[while laughing] There's more yet! Hang on! And then?

Eddie Rose:
So, they took me to the surgery, put it in a splint, put me back in the waiting room, by now it's about half-past three. I said, "What time will you let me out?" They said, "You must go home in an ambulance this time". I waited until half-past four, the ambulance didn't come, so I sneaked out. And I'm halfway home, I saw a friend of mine up a ladder, he looked down at me, he was on the forecourt of a shop and he said, "What the hell have you been doing?" And I started to tell him, he said "I can't hear you, I'm coming down". So I held onto the bottom of the ladder, and he just slides some heavy equipment and I woke up in hospital with six stitches in me head.

[audience applauses and laughs even harder]

Contestant:
[asked for a reason for kneeling] To be beheaded.

[On Bob Johnson]

Max Bygraves:
[to the audience] I'll tell you what: you get idiots as well on this program.

[Audience laughter]

Bob Monkhouse:
Name one of the ingredients in chicken stuffing.

Contestant:
[Buzzes in] Chicken.

Bob Monkhouse:
Chicken? What, you stuff chicken with a chicken?

[Audience laughter]

Bob Monkhouse:
Top three answers on the board: Name something that uses microchips.

Contestant:
[Buzzes in] Fish fryer.

[Audience laughter]

Contestant:
Ah... sorry! [laughs]

Les Dennis:
Top six answers, we asked a hundred people: Something that might frighten Dracula.

[Contestant buzzes in]

Les Dennis:
Jake?

Contestant:
Uh, Bob Monkhouse.

[Audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
Alright, what do you think. A bird with a long neck.

Contestant:
Uh, blackbird.

[Audience laughter]

Les Dennis:
I'm gonna risk saying it: If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself. A blackbird!

[X]

Les Dennis:
[Walks to the other family] Three lives have gone, so the Banyaras get a chance to steal. Lee?

Contestant 2:
Naomi Campbell.

[Audience laughs even harder]

Bob Monkhouse:
[to a contestant playing for the West family] Are you West?

Contestant:
No, I'm Bent.

Bob Monkhouse:
[the contestant's name is Rich Bent] He's Rich and he's Bent. And they say crime doesn't pay.

Himself - Host:
Name an animal found near the North or South Pole.

Brown family contestant:
A koala bear.

Brown family contestant:
[same contestant, second go] A panda bear.

Himself - Host:
My wife does what she calls classical cooking - she fries everything in ancient grease.

[Les Dennis is dressed as pantomime character Buttons]

Les Dennis:
Thank you! Thank you, good evening, and welcome to a Christmas Family Fortunes. I'm Buttons...

Audience:
[in unison] Oh, no you're not!

Les Dennis:
Oh, yes I am!

Audience:
[in unison] Oh, no you're not!

Les Dennis:
Ohhhh... shut up, it's too early for all that.