Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Chris Griffin:
Mom! Look at me! [jumps in pool] How was that?

Lois Griffin:
Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since i qualified for the Olympics.

Chris Griffin:
You were in the Olympics?

Lois Griffin:
No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm Pro Choice.

Odo:
I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking.

Quark Griffin:
Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.

Odo:
I mean it! You'll have me to deal with!

Quark Griffin:
Ohhhh, I'm really scared.

Odo:
I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.

Quark Griffin:
Hey, here's an idea: why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?

Peter Griffin:
We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.

Lois Griffin:
Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.

Peter Griffin:
Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think its immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

[repeated line]

Peter Griffin:
You know what really grinds my gears?

Peter Griffin:
You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!

Gandhi:
[Gandhi is doing stand-up comedy]... And the black people are all like, "hey b*tch!" and the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way.

Peter Griffin:
[Hosting Family Feud] How are you Betsy, welcome to the show you are a lovely young woman, [kisses her cheek] and I'll just get my hand up there and feel that one and that one [squeezes her breasts, she looks at him horrifically] and we're looking for something you shop for at the mall, three seconds.

Peter Griffin:
[Dressed up as Spiderman climbing on a clothesline singing to the tune of the Batman theme] Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Spiderman, Spiderman/ Here comes Peter on a clothesline but his name's not Peter it is Spiderman, Spiderman/ Come on Lois let's get busy maybe right here in the garden Spiderman, Spiderman.

Stewie Griffin:
Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't stop my nature. I'm just a hateful person

Brian Griffin:
You're not hateful you just need to control your anger. Like I do.

Stewie Griffin:
oh, you mean by being sauced all day! Wait a minute! Of Course! That's it! If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, and if I'm nice then I won't go to hell. Fix me a highball I'm going to get good and tight!

Brian Griffin:
You're drunk!

Stewie Griffin:
[slurred] You're sexy!

FOX Announcer:
Hey, Kool-Aid!

Kool-Aid Man:
Oh, yeah!

FOX Announcer:
Things going well with Drew?

Kool-Aid Man:
Oh, yeah!

Drew Barrymore:
We have so much fun and he keeps my tongue really red...

[sticks out tongue]

Drew Barrymore:
See!

Stewie Griffin:
Let me tell you something *Nessa,* a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a f***ing sock in it, you cow.

Lois Griffin:
[drunkenly] When I heard... when I heard... that we were going to be in a movie, I was like, "F*** yeah!"

Peter Griffin:
You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

Al Harrington:
Hi, I'm Al Harrington, President and CEO of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse! Thanks to a shipping error I am now overstocked on wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, and I am passing the savings on to *you*! Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation, keep grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbours! African American? Hail a cab, testify in church or just raise the roof! Whatever your wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man needs, come on down to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse, route two in Weekapaug!

Peter Griffin:
Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.

Lois Griffin:
That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.

Chris Griffin:
Why you gotta break balls?

Peter Griffin:
And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!

Meg Griffin:
This is gonna be so fun!

Peter Griffin:
Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Peter Griffin:
Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.

Stormtrooper:
Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Stew Griffin:
[after having sex with Fran] Um... that's never happened before.

Fran:
Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?

Stew Griffin:
Uh, I guess both.

[pause]

Stew Griffin:
Do I give you money now?

Fran:
Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Tricia Takanawa:
Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?

Mayor Adam West:
Yes: box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup- no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold on to that one.

Tricia Takanawa:
Thank you, Mayor West.

Wilfred Brimley:
Hi, I'm Wilfred Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Peter Griffin:
Hey, Stewie. How about Daddy teaches you how to swim?

Stewie Griffin:
Go... away... fat man. [Peter picks up Stewie] Dah! What do you think you're doing? No means no! [Stewie hangs on Peter's arm while Peter tries to get Stewie in the pool]

Peter Griffin:
Come on, Stewie! In... the... pool!

Stewie Griffin:
No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!

Brandon:
Good luck, Stewie.

Stewie Griffin:
[mocking] Good luck, Stewie! That's *you*. That's what *you* sound like.

Ray Charles:
[the glass breaks] Ahh! I'm blind! [he falls]

Lois Griffin:
[During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.

Glen Quagmire:
Gigidi Gigidi

Lois Griffin:
[During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.

Glen Quagmire:
Gigidi Gigidi?

Stewie Griffin:
Ewwww, a band-aid.

Horace:
Hey, is he 18?

Brian Griffin:
Horace, the drinking age is 21.

Horace:
Oh.

Peter Griffin:
And you know what else grinds my gears? You America! [shouts] F*** you! Diane?

News Reporter:
Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight to DVD feature that will soon be in the 3.99 bin at your local car wash!

[Brian has died and gone to heaven where he sits in a booth having drinks with some new friends]

Brian Griffin:
Wow, look at me! Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.

Ernest Hemingway:
Yeah, well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.

Vincent Van Gogh:
I could not reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living so I shot myself.

Kurt Cobain:
I hated the thought of my music become part of some bland corporate mechanism so I shot myself.

Brian Griffin:
[sheepish] Yeah I, uh... I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

Brian Griffin:
[Quagmire is planning a cross-country sex trip and has put up a sign on the side of his Winebego] Hey Quagmire, isn't there an "o" in "country"?

Scientist:
[Scientist unfreezes Walt's body] Welcome Back,Mr. Disney

Walt Disney:
Are the Jews gone yet?

Scientist:
Uhh,no...

Walt Disney:
Put me back in! [Slams the crynogen chamber shut]

Peter Griffin:
For more about flatulence, you can visit my ass! [Peter Farts]

Lois Griffin:
[after falling on her hands and knees on the red carpet and visibly intoxicated] Peter... Get on!

Stewie Griffin:
I'm going to go pump the chemical toilet. Apparently you're about to do the same.

[on the red carpet at the premiere of the movie]

Tricia Takanawa:
And here comes David Bowie! David, what brings you all the way to...

[Bowie puts his finger against her lip]

David Bowie:
[seductively] Shh! Just you shut your mouth...

Tricia Takanawa:
[suddenly speaking excitedly with a thick Japanese accent] OH,MAKE LOVE TO ME, ZIGGY STARDUST!

[She drops to her knees and clamps onto his leg]

Tricia Takanawa:
I take you home, I make you fish bowel soup! Fish bowel!

[cut back to the Channel 5 studio]

Tom Tucker:
[businesslike] Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years...

Stew Griffin:
We'll have to borrow the money from mommy and daddy.

Stew Griffin:
[Stewie leaps onto Stew's head and peels back his eyelids] AH!

Stewie Griffin:
Never call them that again! It's Lois and the Fatman! Do you hear me?

Stew Griffin:
Yes yes!

Stewie Griffin:
Hey Brian! Brian!

Brian Griffin:
What?

Stewie Griffin:
Knock-knock!

Brian Griffin:
Oh, come on!

Stewie Griffin:
Knock-knock!

Brian Griffin:
[sigh] Who's there?

Stewie Griffin:
Your friend, Stewie. And he's always gonna be there for you!

Stewie Griffin:
[after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this but... would you mind shaving my coin purse?

Lois Griffin:
OK Chris. Now that we have practiced kissing and cuddling, we'll practice eating out... at a fancy restaurant.

Man #1:
[Lois and Peter are watching a Sam Adams commercial on TV] I'll have water, please.

Man #2:
I'll have water too, but with lemon.

Man #3:
And I'll have a Sam Adams.

Man #4:
It's 9:30 in the morning!'

Man #1:
And don't you have an outstanding DUI?

Man #3:
Yeah, but I gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.

Man #4:
[pause] I'll have a Sam Adams as well.

Sam Adams:
Samuel Adams! Always a good decision!

Brian Griffin:
This is the perfectly destroyed spider web.

Stewie Griffin:
Where's the spider?

Brian Griffin:
Knock, knock!

Stewie Griffin:
Who's there?

Brian Griffin:
I ate him!

Peter Griffin:
Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

Stewie Griffin:
[Stewie and Stu visit his family in the future. Lois greets them at the front door] She's still ALIVE? What the hell, man?

Diane Simmons:
In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.

Tom Tucker:
Well Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.

Brian Griffin:
What are you doing?

Stewie Griffin:
Well, you heard Captain Syphillis, we're going to California!

Brian Griffin:
Oh come on, you can't go alone with Quagmire. Look, I tell you what. If you're serious about this [sighs] I'll go with you. Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay.

Stewie Griffin:
Oh, they won't even know we're gone.

[Stewie presses a button. Robotic duplicates of Brian and Stewie come out of a closet]

"Stewie Griffin" robot:
Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce?

"Brian Griffin" robot:
I am a tool. Stewie is better than me at everything, including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Stewie Griffin:
Let's see... umm... I think it would have to be... f***.

TV Presenter:
What's your favorite curse word?

lady:
Where's my baby.

The Stork:
Sweety, you and me are going to make the baby [turns on the radio]

Stewie Griffin:
[Future Stewie talking about vacations] In fact, just last summer I went back to visit Jesus Christ. Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit.

Chris Griffin:
Mom, Meg reckons Omar Sharif is dead but I think she thinking of Anthony Quinn.

Lois Griffin:
Chris, your father and I are in the tub! And Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.

Stewie Griffin:
[Ron enters the room] Who's that fellow? He looks so familiar.

Stew Griffin:
It's Meg. She has Sex-changed right after the College.

Stewie Griffin:
Wow. She went to College?

Stewie Griffin:
You know what, give me your keys.

Brian Griffin:
No, no, I'm fine.

Stewie Griffin:
No, no, give me your keys.

Brian Griffin:
I'm fine. I'm driving

Stewie Griffin:
You're too drunk. Give me your keys.

Brian Griffin:
I'm fine. I'm driving.

Stewie Griffin:
Peter, Meg, Brian, you're too drunk give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.

Brian Griffin:
I, I'm, uhhh, you're right. Here here you go.

Stewie Griffin:
[on top of a shelf; drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I'm gonna jump! Gonna jump from... Gonna jump... to my high chair!

Peter Griffin:
Stewie can you not interrupt? It grinds my gears when you do that.

Lois Griffin:
Oh! He said it!

Stewie Griffin:
You ready? Can you... Can you see me... gonna jump... gonna ju... jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you?

[jumps and misses highchair]

Stewie Griffin:
Ow! You see me?

Tricia Takanawa:
Tom, I'm standing here admist the heated debate over a recent petition to change the name of the city from San Francisco to something a little less gay.

Stewie Griffin:
[Stew is about to have sex with Fran] Yes now go! Put your [reading from book] penis in her vagina

Lois Griffin:
[ Stewie and Lois are at the Community Pool. Lois is trying to teach Stewie- who is pettrified of the water- how to swim] Aw, now don't worry Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you!

Stewie Griffin:
SHUT UP! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Katie Couric:
Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.

Peter Griffin:
Katie!

Katie Couric:
Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.

Peter Griffin:
Katie!

Katie Couric:
And Wolfgang Pock shows his recipe for apple strudel.

Peter Griffin:
Katie!

Katie Couric:
So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.

Peter Griffin:
[picks up a post box and throws it through the glass] Katie!

Katie Couric:
[turns and shouts angrily] What?

Peter Griffin:
Oh, well never mind then. [walks away]

Stewie Griffin:
[looking at Rupert, whose leg has been sewn back on] I say, what happened to his leg? Oh wait, now I remember.

[flashback to Brian and Stewie at the kitchen table]

Brian Griffin:
You are really gonna sit there with a straight face and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy.

Stewie Griffin:
Not one bit. And it saves millions of man hours that the complexity of the current tax code wastes, which you would realize if you weren't retarded.

[Brian takes Rupert, cuts off his leg, and eats it]

Stewie Griffin:
Hey, give him back - stop that - what are you doing? Give me back his leg!

Brian Griffin:
[smirking] Oh, you'll get it back.

Brian Griffin:
Hey, do you see what I see?

Stewie Griffin:
A Dr. Pepper machine!

Brian Griffin:
[they get closer to the machine] Damn it! It was mirage!

Stewie Griffin:
Ugh, an RC Cola machine.

Diane Simmons:
...And that's it for sports. Now, let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the week.

Ollie Williams:
[holding a small puppy] Who wants this dog?

Diane Simmons:
[cut back] Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "Ya Know What Really Grinds My - "

[Tom Tucker appears]

Diane Simmons:
Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.

Tom Tucker:
Well Diane, I have an exclusive story. And I... can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.

Ollie Williams:
[off-screen] Did you check your TCP/IP settings?

Tom Tucker:
Yes I did, Ollie.

Ollie Williams:
[off-screen] Enable cookies?

Tom Tucker:
Yes, Ollie.

Ollie Williams:
[off-screen] You want this dog?

Tom Tucker:
No thank you, Ollie.

Katie Couric:
Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.

Peter Griffin:
[Knocking on the window] Katie.

Katie Couric:
Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.

Peter Griffin:
[Knocks on the window a 2nd time] Katie.

Katie Couric:
And Wolfgang Puck shows his recipe for Apple Strudel.

Peter Griffin:
[Knocks on the window a 3rd time] Katie.

Katie Couric:
So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.

Peter Griffin:
[Peter grabs a P.O box and breaks the window] KATIE!

Katie Couric:
WHAT?

Peter Griffin:
[while walking away] Oh well, never mind.