Fearless Vampire Killers: At War with the Thirst

[first lines]

Laurence:
Me and Kier met when we were... 9 years old i think. Yeah, because I remember it was the first day of school and I came outside the class and I met this kinda like... cheeky look-looking little brat who asked me what my name was... and I said my name was 'Laurence' and he said that's too... that's too posh, that can't be your real name. 'What's your surname?' And I said 'Beveridge'. And he goes 'Alright then I'm gonna call you that'.

Drew:
I think I just ground them down into submission to let me be in the band.

Laurence:
I remember sort of surviving on Tesco value min... no, Morrisons value mince.

Laurence:
If you've only got 4 channels you slowly realise that Time Team is always on T.V.

Laurence:
So we were watching Time Team all the time... I even wrote several songs about Time Team. But anyway... yeah, moving on.

[last lines]

Laurence:
I guess that's, y'know, part of the reason why this band probably isn't gonna fail, because y'know we're all just, me especially are a bit too arrogant to let it fail, y'know?

Kier:
My nan used to take me to the gigs in her Volvo.

Drew:
I just gradually snuck in and was like 'ooh! Could sing a bit of vocals, d'you want an extra harmony on that? I wrote this song... it's a bit dark, d'you want that in the band?' and they were like 'yeah, alright'.

Drew:
I can start my solo career as a... one man bass... bass outfit, with a four-necked bass and a bass drum. So, I don't know what the others are gonna do when that happens coz that's gonna go global.

Laurence:
Every single one of those people is lying. They all wanna see Kier's little maggot.

Kier:
[overhears conversation] You talkin' bout my penis?

Drew:
It's a little maggot coming out of two balls of dung. That's what your f***ing genitals look like.