Feast

Hero:
Listen to me. A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second. I don't know what they are, I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these f***ers are fast, nasty, and hungry... and there's four of 'em. They got claws like Ginsu knives and more teeth than a chainsaw. They're comin'... right now. So we gotta lock this bar down. That means doors, windows, drains, and zippers, and we gotta do it now. You! Get a phone, call the cops, National Guard, townies, anybody who kicks ass, and get 'em out here. Any questions?

Bartender:
Yeah. Who the hell are you?

Hero:
I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass.

[a monster immediately reaches through the window and kills him]

[after trapping one of the creatures]

Bozo:
We're okay.

[hears another creature growling]

Bozo:
Scratch that.

Coach:
Oh dear.

Honey Pie:
What? What's he doing?

Bozo:
They're humping!

Beer Guy:
Aw man! The monsters are doing it doggy style.

Hot Wheels:
Monster sex.

Bartender:
C'mon, I'll take you to your car.

Honey Pie:
[as Coach steps up beside Honey Pie at the bar] Not tonight. I have an escort.

Bartender:
That'll be eighteen bucks, pal.

Bartender:
[Coach opens wallet to pay, wedding ring falls out. Honey Pie shoves him to the ground and walks off. Re: tab] Guess I'll just keep this open.

Honey Pie:
[Notices Bozo and Hot Wheels have been watching her undress, wash blood off] Act like you've had some.

Bozo:
Oh, I've had some, baby.

Hot Wheels:
[voice cracking] I haven't.

Honey Pie:
[Re: first monster trapped and killed] Jeez, it took all that? All those bullets?

Beer Guy:
That's the LITTLE one? We can't fight these things! No way!

Heroine:
We can still fight them. We just gotta be clever.

Coach:
Maybe we don't have to fight them at all.

Bozo:
Yeah, why don't we just call 'em names.

Bozo:
Any more ideas, Animal Planet?

Coach:
I-I was just being proactive!

Bartender:
Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I...

Bozo:
Oh, go douche, Grandpa!

Beer Guy:
What now?

Tuffy:
We're stuck in here, that's what.

Bozo:
YOU!

Grandma:
[Drunkenly] What?

Bozo:
You know somethin'!

Grandma:
Huh?

Bozo:
You're old! You've seen things!

Grandma:
I don't know a thing.

Bartender:
Easy there...

Bozo:
Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.

Bozo:
Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and sh*t.

Grandma:
No... really... I don't...

Bozo:
Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!

Grandma:
I don't know anything! [Points to Bartender] Why don't you ask him? He's old!

Heroine:
Relax. She doesn't know anything.

Bozo:
Yeah... allegedly.

Bozo:
[Locked in bedroom as monster is coming through window] Okay! I'm ready to come out now!

Bartender:
[Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock] Oh.

Bozo:
[Panicking, rattling doorknob] OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH"?

Coach:
[Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, sh*t] Cheese and crackers.

Coach:
[Both peering outside through secret hatch door in the dark basement] You know, you and I have a lot of similarities. Strong. Resolute...

Heroine:
You need to be quiet.

Coach:
I'm sorry. I talk when I'm nervous.

Heroine:
Quiet.

Coach:
It's just, it's been a while since someone's been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be... well... offed.

Heroine:
What did I say? Shh.

Coach:
Sorry. I'm done now.

Coach:
[Hoisting himself out the hatch door] Great men will tell of my bravery.

Coach:
Whoa. Monster cock.

Beer Guy:
I think were gonna be okay, guys. Yeah, I think were gonna be alright. You know, this is just some leaky barrel, radiation, toxic dump waste, enviro-crap, freak-beast accident that crawled out of the sewer, man. That's all this is.

Coach:
We got your front, bro.

Bozo:
It's your back, we got your back.