Footballers' Wives

Jackie Pascoe:
Going out with a page three model is one thing but getting married to one is embarrassing.

Frank Laslett:
I think you should be my agent, I'm the one who needs an image makeover.

Hazel Bailey:
Sorry Frank, even if you gave both your kidneys to dying babies you'd still smell like a septic tank.

Hazel Bailey:
You're late.

Jason Turner:
Yeah... traffic

Hazel Bailey:
Car knocked over a cyclist outside Piccadilly tube, you, being a good Samaritan stopped and dialed 999... if you're going to make an excuse, spin it so you win it.

Tanya Turner:
Just when Chardonnay was beginning to think you might be a human bloody being!

Jason Turner:
Chardonnay... thinking? [Laughs] What, with her singed tits?

Jason Turner:
I hope your freakoid baby dies, Kyle!

Tanya Turner:
Just a friendly warning for the future, you go anywhere near my husband again and it'll take more than Botox to sort your face out!

Jason Turner:
All right Lara Croft?

Freddie Hauser:
Oh, so you are still speaking to me after I drop kicked your testicles down the back of your throat?

Amber Gates:
You're more of a cat person are you not?

Hazel Bailey:
I've always loved my p*ssy.

Tanya Turner:
I've decided there is only one man for me..."Charlie".

Hazel Bailey:
Come on love, let's be fair to d*cks, they're great bits of tackle.

Tanya Turner:
It's what's on the end of them that's the problem.

Hazel Bailey:
I know that's why I keep mine in my handbag.

Amber Gates:
I can't believe she's having a Caesarean now, she knows I'm in labor

Janette Dunkley:
Her little one's in distress

Amber Gates:
So would you be if you were her baby.

Amber Gates:
Simba? Simba? You haven't seen him have you? Lara Bateman brought him some organic biskets and I just thought he should say thank you.

Hazel Bailey:
This is a dog we're talking about, is it?

Amber Gates:
I suppose you're more of a cat person.

Hazel Bailey:
I've always loved my p*ssy.

Amber Gates:
Soaps? Do I look like I'd be sucking down a pint at the Rovers Return?

Shannon Donnelly:
Conrad must be spinning in his grave.

Amber Gates:
He was cremated you moron!

Jason Turner:
Tanya, I thought I'd gone to heaven when you married me 8 years ago. I thought it was as good as it could get. But I didn't reckon on how I'd feel today. You've stuck with me, through thick and thin. My rock. My beautiful wife. This ring symbolizes what I feel for you. Tanya I want you to wear it forever, cause you're my girl. You're my one and only.

Tanya Turner:
Jason, you lying piece of sh*t!

Tanya Turner:
You know this scum bag has played me for an idiot my entire adult life. I know most of you tried to tell me but, I didn't want to see it. Well today when I got dressed, I put my brain in too. I should have divorced you when I had the chance Jason! Commitment? The only way to keep your dick under control is to cut it off! But sadly, I don't have my nail scissors with me.

Tanya Turner:
You can punch me wanker, but you can't hurt me anymore!

Jason Turner:
Your tits have got more brains than you Chardonnay, fire damaged and all.

Jason Turner:
Oh, hoping I was gonna jump? Tough sh*t! Cause I'm the man. I'm Jason Turner. I'm Jason Turner!