Forsaking All Others

Dillon 'Dill':
I could make a fire by rubbing two boy scouts together.

Eleanor:
I wish a man would marry me so I could wear a decent hat.

Shemp 'Shempy':
That's the best reason for getting married I ever heard.

Eleanor:
Oh, I want to go to the bachelor dinner.

Shemp 'Shempy':
Can you do a fan dance?

Eleanor:
I invented the fan dance.

Shemp 'Shempy':
I saw one with electric fans once, it was awful

Eleanor:
I wish I were a man.

Shemp 'Shempy':
Were, or had?

Shemp 'Shempy':
[as he helps Paula pick up the Dining table and carry it] Where are we going?

Aunt Paula:
To Cairo, where do you think, we're going to the Kitchen.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Come on, Shemp, my boy. We've only got one night to do a week's drinking.

Dillon 'Dill':
Connie, I need to speak to you.

Connie Barnes Todd:
But darling, I'm learning to tap dance!

Dillon 'Dill':
This is more important than tap dancing!

Mary Clay:
Just look at those cornflowers... When I was a kid, I said I wanted to be married in a cornflower dress. Dill remembered. Married in hundreds of cornflowers. What a perfect wedding.

Eleanor:
It's a matter of taste. I'd just soon be married in alcohol.

Aunt Paula:
Eleanor!

Eleanor:
Oh, now, don't worry, Paula. I'll be so old they'll have to pickle me in something!

Mary Clay:
Jeff, has it ever occurred to you that this is none of your business?

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
It's none of my business when I see a dog being whipped, but I'll stop it every time.

Mary Clay:
Don't be silly. I'm not going to faint. I'm not the type.

Dillon 'Dill':
She came here for reasons you couldn't even spell.

Aunt Paula:
[Bursting into room, seeing Mary getting a massage] Mary! How can you let yourself be pounded with your wedding less than twenty-four hours off?

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Shemp 'Shempy':
You ever look at a milkman?

Mary Clay:
Oo-ouch! Ouch! Hey, Bella, I'm going to need that leg to get married with tomorrow.

Bella - Mary's Masseuse:
What you say?

Mary Clay:
The bride was vision of beauty in black and blue spots. Now, wouldn't that be pretty?

Bella - Mary's Masseuse:
Black and blue, green or yellow, you are a sucker to get married.

Mary Clay:
Say, is that an attack on my future husband or are you just anti-wedding?

Bella - Mary's Masseuse:
Both.

Mary Clay:
Are you through?

Bella - Mary's Masseuse:
Yeah.

Mary Clay:
I wish you'd take your thumb out of my back.

Mary Clay:
Hey, Paula. What goes on at bachelor dinners?

Aunt Paula:
As I understand it, very little, goes on.

Mary Clay:
I get it.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Shemp, you know Spain's fine; but, I hope I never go back. You know, when that Statue of Liberty waved at me, she positively had sex with me.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Two years of it. Work, work, work, all day long. And at night, a nice peaceful quiet Spain. Boy, but now that I'm home and all of that lovely Brooklyn noise, baby, I'm gonna stay here. New York! What a town! Hard, cold, unfriendly, everything bad. But, baby, I love it! You know, when I got a look at that skyline today, baby, I'm telling you, I got a thrill like I've never had in my life before. The Woolworth's building. The Chrysler building. Oh, babe! Hey, taxi, taxi!

Shemp 'Shempy':
Tell me Jeff, how was Spain? Full of Spaniards?

Aunt Paula:
Did you wear your rubbers? I understand it rains for months, at a time, in Spain.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Darling, I lived in Madrid. It's like Paris.

Aunt Paula:
Oh really, I understood it's quite savage, jungles and things.

Mary Clay:
Paula's never read Ernest Hemmingway.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Evidently not.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Come on, let's get out of here. I've got to go drink myself into proper condition to give the bride away.

Shemp 'Shempy':
I got just the drink. You take a jigger of brandy, a pony of rye, three fingers of vodka, a dash of radium and stand well back.

Dillon 'Dill':
How do I know you've stopped?

Connie Barnes Todd:
Because, I'm licked.

Hotel Manager:
Well, if you're awake, why don't you open your eyes?

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
I can't. I' afraid they'll drop out.

Shemp 'Shempy':
We went to a bachelor dinner last night. He ate too much ice cream

Shemp 'Shempy':
We better find him somehow. After all, the wedding starts in a couple of hours and we've got to find somebody to marry Mary. Marry Mary? Marry Mary! That's right!

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
You know, between the two of us, we managed to get one man undressed.

Eleanor:
She worries more about something to worry about than she worries about an actual worry.

Shemp 'Shempy':
[Disapprovingly] What is that smell? Fresh air?

Mary Clay:
After all, Mrs. Todd, I've known Dill much longer than you have and, well, we had a few things we wanted to talk over.

Connie Barnes Todd:
Dill doesn't talk with his hands.

Mary Clay:
Really? Isn't that funny, he always used to.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
[Speaking to Dill's new wife, Connie] Yes, yes, but, please hear my story. You know, I started life in the service of Mary's grandfather, one Colonel Lionel Q. Clay, of the Confederate army.

Dillon 'Dill':
Union army.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Confederate.

Dillon 'Dill':
Union army.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Confederate.

Dillon 'Dill':
I beg your pardon, Union army.

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
I was, at that time, a colored slave and very anxious for the South to win, so I could collect my back pay. I'm still trying to collect.

Mary Clay:
[Sarcastically] How dare you say that! We once paid you a dollar eighty on account.

Mary Clay:
Jeff, stop talking like a big noble brother! Will you get it through your head that I'm free, white and twenty-one! And if I want to, I'll keep my self-respect around until its lost! I've played according to the book from now and where am I? From now on I use my own rules!

Jeffrey 'Jeff':
Just as soon as I can arrange my business, I'm going back to Spain and get into a nice, quiet, revolution!