Four Fast Guns

[first lines]

Dipper:
[narrating] This man came along the trail one Sunday morning in '73, taking it slow and easy, keeping his eyes open and his gun hand ready. He came from nowhere, I guess. Anyhow, he never said from where and we never asked. He was going to stop off in Purgatory, to make his stand like he lived - alone. This is Number One. He called himself Sabin.

Sign at Town Limits:
Purgatory: When You Ride Into Purgatory, "Say Goodbye to God"

[holding a replica of the "Venus di Milo" statue]

Hoag:
Hey, girls, she's here - the Venus!

First Saloon Girl:
Venus who?

Mary Hoag:
Di Milo

Second Saloon Girl:
Did she ever play Mahogany Hall in New Orleans?

Hoag:
Nah, she's imported from Europe - the most beautiful woman who ever lived.

Tom Sabin:
Sure covers a lot of women.

[after drinking a dipper full of whiskey]

Dipper:
This foul stuff sure tastes good.

Tom Sabin:
I'm no angel.

Mary Hoag:
That's lucky. Angels get the wings singed in Purgatory.

Tom Sabin:
Last night, a couple of ranchers lost their herds.

Hoag:
Is that so? Probably just some of the boys lettin' off a little steam.

Tom Sabin:
They're lettin' off a little lead, too. One of the ranchers got killed.

Hoag:
Sabin, take a look in that mirror there. You see all those people? The world is covered with a swarm of them like a swarm of ants. So what difference does it make if two or three of 'em get stepped on.

Tom Sabin:
Like you?

Hoag:
Now what you ought to do is take a good, long ride for yourself.

Tom Sabin:
I've been told that before. I don't like it.

Hoag:
Oh? In that case, you can mail these letters for me on the way out.

Tom Sabin:
Naco, Brown, Quijano...

Hoag:
The three fastest guns in the territory. You know 'em?

Tom Sabin:
Only by reputation. You sendin' for 'em?

Hoag:
Could be birthday cards. But you could, uh, tear up those letters if you wanted to take that ride.

Tom Sabin:
That would be tamperin' with the government mail.

Hoag:
Johnny Naco, Quijano and a man they call Farmer Brown...

Tom Sabin:
Happy birthday.

Dipper:
[narrating] Saban first - this is Number Two... Quijano. He had one of those letters from Hoag in Purgatory.

Hoag:
I was just readin' somethin' that all town tamers ought to read. "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may/ For all time is flying. / And at my back I always here / Death's winged chariot hurrying near."

Dipper:
We had a town meeting after church today I proposed you for marshal, Marshal.

Tom Sabin:
You what?

Dipper:
Now don't get sore. They voted not to.

Tom Sabin:
You do a fool trick like that again and I'll run you out of town! Now get out of here! Get!

Dipper:
Fine thing a fella gettin' thrown out of his own jail.

Dipper:
Marshal Becker's dead!

Tom Sabin:
Well, I guess that takes care of getting any legal action against Hoag. We'll have to handle this ourselves.

Dipper:
What do you mean "we"? I ain't no deputy.

[Sabin hands Dipper a deputy badge]

Tom Sabin:
Oil for the door hinges.

Dipper:
Number Three: Johnny Naco. That's Johnny Naco's game; pretendin' to be lazy and careless and slow.

Dipper:
[marratomg] Number Four: Farmer Brown they called him. He used to gamble down on Larimer Street in Denver. Never carried a gun; never needed one, till one day a young punk shot him in the face. He became a killer - a fast one.

Johnny Naco:
Looks like you got a customer for your blacksmith shop.

Blacksmith:
Ahh. Ornery lookin' critter, ain't he.

Johnny Naco:
Looks like he's thrown a shoe.

Blacksmith:
I mean the rider.

Mary Hoag:
You're certainly fixing things up around here, Mr. Sabin.

Tom Sabin:
Well, uh-uh, Dipper wanted to build a new gunrack and a few odds and ends. He's goin' to put some shelves over here and, yeah, we've got a new chandelier - imported all the way from Perkins' General Store. Now you might tell your husband. He likes to import things.

Mary Hoag:
You stood up to Quijano. Maybe you can face the others who will come to kill you, but you'll be destroyed by a man who's without a gun - a man you can't shoot because he can't stand up to you in the only kind of fight you understand... a gunfight. When he broke his back, he beat every fast gun in this country. He's a cripple, Sabin, and such a man can hold a pass against you.

Mary Hoag:
I'll tell you something about a man who lives by the gun - he'll never have a happy woman.

Tom Sabin:
You don't sound a woman pleading for her man.

Mary Hoag:
I'm not!

Tom Sabin:
I have no woman to plead for me.

Mary Hoag:
Then you're going through with it?

Tom Sabin:
Till death us do part.

Tom Sabin:
How did you get started in this business of yours?

Mary Hoag:
With a marriage certificate.

Tom Sabin:
Sorry.

Mary Hoag:
How did you get started in your present business?

Tom Sabin:
With a gun.

Mary Hoag:
Sorry.

Mary Hoag:
Did you hear something?

Tom Sabin:
Ahh, I'm not sure.

Mary Hoag:
Why did you come for a walk with me if you were so suspicious?

Tom Sabin:
Did you ever hear of a lady named Salome?

Mary Hoag:
The girl who wanted John the Baptist?

Tom Sabin:
The same. When she couldn't have him, she demanded his head on a silver platter.

Mary Hoag:
Did she get it? Well, did she?

Tom Sabin:
...Mm-hmm.

Mary Hoag:
You're damned right she did!

Dipper:
Just a minute - I got somethin' for you.

[Dipper hands Tom a piece of paper]

Tom Sabin:
Why don't you learn to spell "resignation"?

Dipper:
Well, I can spell quit!

Johnny Naco:
Somebody die?

Gravedigger:
Called himself Farmer Brown... a gambler. Seems he got caught bluffin'.

Mary Hoag:
Tom... Tom, I love you, but I'll stand by Hoag like I always have. I'm his wife.

Tom Sabin:
If you say you're his wife and you're true to him, then you're his wife.

Mary Hoag:
And if you keep things right, then you're the marshal.

Tom Sabin:
I'm no marshal.

Mary Hoag:
I'm no wife.

Hoag:
[toasting] To you, Johnny Naco! You made him run like a yellow dog, huh?

Johnny Naco:
You paid me enough to kill him, but not enough to make me do what I'm doin' to him.

Hoag:
Well, what is it you want, Johnny?

Johnny Naco:
Your life.

Mary Hoag:
Won't it ever stop? Must it be your own brother now?

Johnny Naco:
Once I stop I'm dead. Can you stop?

Tom Sabin:
I thought I could, but when it came right down to it, I really couldn't. I guess it runs in the family.

Johnny Naco:
Well, so long, Tom.

Tom Sabin:
You can mean that two ways, Johnny boy.

[Tom and Johnny draw their guns and fire]

[last lines]

Dipper:
[narrating] This was in '73, the land of the man with a gun - some fast, others a little faster... one the fastest of them all.