French and Saunders

Dawn:
Now, for our story... He Took Me, 700 words?

Jennifer:
No, too racy. Cut it in half and call it Regrets.

Dawn:
No, I'm sorry, Janie. I have to pass on the tiles, but what about It's Flan-tastic?

Jennifer:
About our ads... are we going to run tampons this week?

Dawn:
Hmm. Maybe panty pads?

Jennifer:
Panty pads, yes... after all, there's only one place a tampon's going.

Jennifer:
George was very sick at the end, you know. Very sick in the end. Stripped of his faculties. One day he asked if I'd help speed the going; put him out of his misery.

Dawn:
And did you?

Jennifer:
Had to. Hit him over the head with a shovel, dumped him on the bonfire.

[Holding up a T-shirt with the word Chanel written across]

Jennifer:
How much you think that cost?

Dawn:
T-shirt? Three pound fifty, tops.

Jennifer:
Forty quid.

Dawn:
No!

Jennifer:
Forty quid she paid for that, I couldn't believe it. You know how's I know? Dry clean, apparently. Dry clean a t-shirt, I couldn't believe it. I should be dry cleaning her knickers next time.

Dawn:
What did the krankies say to you?

Jennifer:
Fun-dabby-doosie.

Dawn:
Tsk. I'm sorry.

Jennifer:
I don't want to eat your skin, Madonna! I'm not a crazy!

Dawn:
Yeah, she's not even a fan. She hates your work!

Both:
Madonna!

Jennifer:
Male or female caucasian... dead... Aged anywhere between... ten and fifty years old... Two small bosoms... huge buttocks... too obscene. Two hands... attached to the arms. There's evidence of bruising to the head, the neck, the botty, the pee-pee.

[Dawn has just burnt Jennifer's self-titled script on a barbeque grill]

Jennifer:
No! No-no-no-no! That's the funniest material I've ever written!

Dawn:
Yes, well you're just going to have to go back to doing what you do best: writing stuff with both of us in that just isn't that funny!

["Silence of the Lambs"]

Dr. French:
You're just one step away from plain white trash, aren't you Jennifer? Your mother was a biology teacher in Cheshire. You used to sit there on your white pony and you'd dream... of getting all the way... to the B. B. C.

[they are spoofing "Gone With the Wind"; Jennifer is affecting a Southern accent]

Jennifer:
Oh whatever will I wear to the party tonight, Mammie?

Dawn:
[in her normal English accent] I thought you were going to wear this frock.

Jennifer:
[grabs the dress] Oh fiddle-dee-dee!

Dawn:
Should I have that dry-cleaned, then?

Jennifer:
[reverts to her English accent] What?

Dawn:
The dress? Do you want me to go and drop it at the dry cleaners?

Jennifer:
Maybe you should just go and beat it on a rock!

Dawn:
What? Why?

Jennifer:
Because you're my SLAVE!

Jennifer:
Oh fiddle-dee-diddle-dee-dee! Do you think that Rhett will ask me to dance tonight at the party?

Dawn:
I don't know. I'm not paid to think, apparently.

Dawn:
[dressed like Mammie from Gone With the Wind] Hello! Just popping in to check and see how you're getting on with your freedom as, you see, I haven't got any.

[in a "Gone With the Wind" spoof]

Jennifer:
[doing her best to affect a Southern accent] Why aren't you wearing the face paint I gave you?

Dawn:
I tried it on but it just looked stupid.

Jennifer:
Well are you at least going to try the accent?

Dawn:
Oh, I meant to ask you about that. Do you think I should?

Jennifer:
Well, try it. "How are you doing today?"

Dawn:
Oh, very well, thank you. I had lunch and...

Jennifer:
No, SAY it!

Dawn:
Oh. [attempts a Southern accent and sounds more like a mentally ill person] Howarryu durrin? HAH-AH-AR-YER-DORN?

Jennifer:
Oh, fiddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee-diddle-dee dee. Bring me some crushed ice and a surrey with a fringe on top!

Dawn:
Well are YOU going to try the accent?

Jennifer:
[breaks character angrily] I *AM*!

[spoofing Thelma & Louise]

Jennifer:
People are going to look at this and they're going to think we're in Texas.

Dawn:
No, Jennifer, they are not. They are going to see this and see two freezing cold women in the middle of winter in Cornwall.

Ken Bishop:
[dressed as death in an Ingmar Bergman film spoof] Can I come in?

Jennifer:
Well I'll just have to ask my friend. Can Death come in?

Dawn:
Oh, sure Death, come on in and join the party!

Jennifer:
With me on the couch today is our financial specialist Dawn French. Hello Dawn!

Dawn:
Hello!

Jennifer:
Now Dawn is here today to talk to us about what's going on in the market today. Dawn, tell us a little bit about what we might find in the market today.

Dawn:
Well, in the market today you'll find apples, bananas, all types of fresh produce and things of that nature. Of course if we're talking about a farmer's type market you'll find all sorts of knick-knacks including those little plastic flowers that dance when you talk to them. of course they're not the Japanese ones, they're the imitation English ones.

Jennifer:
Right. Actually I was talking about the financial market.

Dawn:
Oh, the financial market! Well in the financial market right now people are very concerned about... money.

Jennifer:
Perhaps you could tell us, for instance, what one might be spending if one wereto invest in gold?

Dawn:
Right, well, for about fifteen pounds you can get a fine thin chain bracelet. For twenty five pounds you can get a necklace and perhaps your initials in some of that curly swirly writing. But I feel duty bound to warn you that if you are looking for something such as a chunky identity bracelet, you may find yourself paying upwards of fifty pounds.

Jennifer:
Well! A word to the wise, there!

Jennifer:
A lot of our viewers seem to be having a lot of trouble discerning the difference between a pension scheme and a unit trust.

Dawn:
Oh yes, I get that one a lot. Now listen, people, I don't know how many times I can explain this to you. The first one is a PENSION SCHEME, and the second is a UNIT TRUST.

Jennifer:
Well, that clears that up, then.

Jennifer:
Well, we've almost run out of time, but perhaps we can finish up with a bit of the word on the street?

Dawn:
Right. The word on the street is... many a muckle makes a muckle.

Dawn:
Well, it turns out SHE was the one who I was telling you about earlier who's been having an affair with a porcupine. Sorry, concubine.

Dawn:
Listen, I really don't want you to take this personally or think that I'm being cruel or unkind, but you're really just a hideous, talentless b*tch with a foul attitude, aren't you?

Jennifer:
Well, thanks to you AND your mother.

Jennifer:
Do you know who really has it all? Jeri Hall. She is an international woman, that woman. She's got one leg in Texas and one leg in London, and the whole world in between.

On-Screen Text:
You can take the girl out of Bananarama, but you can't take the Bananarama out of the girl. [Appears on screen after a spoof of the music video "Stay" by Shakespeare's Sister]

Jennifer:
[as Madonna, to the tune of "Me Against the Music"] Hey Britney, did you see what I can do with this pole? Come over here, I got somethin' to show ya...

Dawn:
[as Britney Spears] You can do this on your own, I'm goin' home, I gotta drone...

Jennifer:
For the sake of our friendship I am willing to forego the Tatania in favour of the Lola.

Dawn:
And once I have given you that capital letter, what will you be doing with it?

Jennifer:
Well, if I can go out on a limb here and make an executive decision, I am going to say that we will be photocopying it, probably passing it around the office and tacking it up on bulliten boards. Exciting!

Jennifer:
Now, I've prepared a little mock-up for you Jo, I hope that you approve. Would it be safe to say that THIS is the size that you'd be thinking of for your book "Rock Stars and Their Toilet Seats"? Pop-up size, Jo?

Dawn:
Yes, well, that size, definately, but certainally not that thick.

Jennifer:
Of course, yes. And although we've got Princess Stephanie in there for the mock-up, obviously it WILL be Bob Geldolf. And I wonder, Jo, have you given any consideration to incorperating pop-up?

Dawn:
Can I suggest something? Plop-up.

Jennifer:
You... oh God, this is so embarassing, but you have a little something. There, on your face.

Dawn:
[Has a gigantic "face-sucker" alien from the movie "Alien" on her face] What? Oh, honestly, I swear, you walk around all day and no one says a word to you. [Dabs at her face with a hanky] There, did I get it?

Dawn:
[Playing Queen Amidala in a Star Wars spoof] Have you met my handmaiden, Panty-Padme?

Dawn:
[pretending to be Madonna reading from her new children's book] Now, once upon a time there was a naughty, dirty little girl who sang and danced her way to the top. She didn't care who she was horrid to in order to get famous. She even did a nude book where she showed her vixen toilet parts to everyone, and depicted scenes of depravity with young and old gay boys and girls licking and poking her. When she grew up she realized she didn't want her own children to read this smut or to see her on stage twirling her nipples and grinding with a man dressed as the Pope. One day a big wise rabbit called Philip Berg hopped up to her and suggested that she should study the ancient mystic and esoteric knowledge of the first five books of Moses and explore a path to fulfillment via spiritual and scientific laws of the universe that govern the cosmos and the human soul. And so she did. She set about repenting and making herself a better person. She washed out her filthy mouth and the words "mother", "sucker" and "cock" never passed her lips again. She thanked the big rabbit and all his creed and asked how she could show the world that she was now a new and spiritually clean person called "Enid". He gave her a $26 red friendship bracelet, available at blahblahla.com and a catalog for further merchandise. This is a true story, and if you don't believe me, go f*** yourself.

Jennifer:
Celebrity gossip! So I decided to see a play about a week ago. A small thing, something to do with morality in the art world, very high brow. Well the curtains opened, amazing, lavish sets. Great acting. But you'll never guess what happened. This woman, all of a sudden, walked across the stage. It was Madonna! She just walked over to the fireplace, took off her coat, and then proceeded to lounge about for the entire show. I mean, what was she thinking? And the actors of course were totally professional, acted as if she wasn't even there. Perhaps she thought that Gwyneth Paltrow was doing a show there and she would just stop by to say hello. But then she had the nerve to take the curtain call with those people!

Dawn:
What a deluded cow!

Jennifer:
Yes, but you haven't heard the whole of it! I went back a few days later hoping to catch the play undisturbed, and she did it again! Walked right over to the fireplace, took off her coat so I knew she was staying.

Dawn:
My God. Ever since that woman moved to London it's like she thinks she owns the place. Well, did you at least get your money back?

Jennifer:
No. But I did sell the story to Pop Trash magazine. Big bucks!

Dawn:
Tell me something, Jennifer... if you castrated a Glow Worm, would it be delighted? Ha-ha-ha! And I mean that sincerely, folks.

Dawn:
[discussing Princess Diana] Retarded people lick her face!

Jennifer:
[Introducing musician Rufus Wainwright] Ladies and Gentlemen... Loofah Wetwipe!

Dawn:
Quite frankly the internet is just a world of hideous filth waiting in earnest to corrupt our children! Why, one only need enter in a harmless barnyard term - like "poo cock" - and there's no end to the smut that appears!

Jennifer:
This is going to look brilliant.

Dawn:
What are you talking about? It's going to look like what it is! Dartmoor in the middle of winter!

Computer pop-up:
[Eve Pollard has come to visit the set, Dawn and Jennifer have been sucking up to her, when a poorly timed porno image appears saying lewd things and placing great emphasis on the name Eve Pollard] Hi, are you felling hot? "Eve Pollard." You turn me on "Eve Pollard." Your panties are so hot "Eve Pollard." Oh, I want to come all over your...

Enthusiastic Fan:
[pleading to Jennifer, and acting like a hypochondriac] I was born with all my organs outside of my body, and it's taken years and years of operations to get me where I am now. And the money, you wouldn't believe it. [Scene momentarily cuts to Dawn asking for a glass of wine, then back to Enthusiastic Fan and Jennifer] Do you think you could just give me enough money for a car? For the love of God! [Jennifer suggests speaking to Dawn and then tries to excuse herself to get a drink] No no, Where are you going? where are you going? No no, I get it, I know what this is. Suddenly you're too good to speak to the likes of me, is that what you think? You think you're too good is that it? [Jennifer murmurs in the affirmative] Yeah, well I'll tell you something: The show was sh*t. Get out of here, I'm not one of your yes men.

Jennifer:
[Jennifer and Dawn are dressed in their attire from Gone with the Wind, Jennifer prods Dawn in the breast] It's good that [Jennifer plays with Dawn's breasts and buttocks and making silly sound effects while Dawn looks unimpressed at the camera] It's good isn't it?

Dawn:
[Serious tone] I've taken the padding off Jennifer.

Dawn:
[B&W image of Dawn as Bj?rk riding on back of ute, Dawn sings in silly schoolgirl voice] Normality; I hate normality. I like fairies. I like topsy-turvy, I feel so quirky. eee-eee-eee ooo-ooo-ooo I have an imaginary friend, and so I play with it. I hate normality

[Spoken]

Dawn:
Shhh, be quiet.

[resumes singing]

Dawn:
Turn a feather head, it's so normal. Unless everybody hops, then it's crazy. A game of darts is so normal, but play it with pens instead, and that is Dippy!

[headbanging and giggles]

Dawn:
[scene changes to supermarket interior and is in colour] I am shopping in Iceland, and nothing is making sense, yes. Too muich choices, things in boxes. It is cool, oohh, in Iceland. Always frozen. Why can't I find anything fresh? Strange moving thing, Where I must put my boxes, frozen boxes moving away. Eskimo girl. Blinking, flashing machine. Give her all my money.

[scene returns to B&W on back of ute]

Dawn:
Topsy-turvy, tense and nervy; I like pixies, I like my ghetto blaster. Roll my hair up, eat my freckles. Hee, hee, hee, hee, I hate normality.

Evie:
Bea? What do you think of this new blue material for the collection?

Bea:
The collection's going to have to wait, Evie.

Evie:
Are you alright, Bea?

Bea:
I'm just so worried about these missing buttons.!

Countess of Hertzegovina:
[of the evening gown she is being fitted for] I AM the Countess of Hertzegovina, and this will be very good for all the balls and parties a person in my position has to attend, in this period.

James Macaroon:
I'm the f**king King of the WORLD!

Joanna Lumley:
Who was it who said some of us are just great, some get greatness, and some have a great thrust upon them? Wise words from some one who really knew what they were talking about, and still relevent today. But seriously...

James Macaroon:
I love what the camera's doing. Can we do it without the actors?