Frisky Dingo

Xander Crews:
Shut up, hooker!

Xander Crews:
Good news, he didn't even have a car...

Xander Crews:
Master Cylinder!

Ronnie:
First I glue this to your head and then I make love to your face.

Killface:
Did he just lay a clutch of eggs?

Killface:
I hope your baby's born dead!

Postcard:
Welcome to You're "Doom!"

Killface:
Why would there be a penguin in a wheatfield?

Xander Crews:
Look, when I was his age, I was, like, a chronic masturbator. Kinda still am. The point is... I like it. I would like to masturbate in this car right now, if I had my stuff with me. What were we even talking about?

Xander Crews:
Hi... Fun-bags, I'm Xander. Where's my idiot girlfriend?

Grace Ryan:
Hiyaw!

Xander Crews:
[Antagony punches Xander in the face. Xander flies across the lawn into a car] Ahhh! Ugh.

Grace Ryan:
Grace Ryan is dead! And now you, Xander Crews, shall join her in... being dead.

Xander Crews:
Who even are you?

Grace Ryan:
My name is Antagony!

Xander Crews:
[awkward pause] Really?

Killface:
Oh my God, she fell.

Xander Crews:
[Being tortured] What do you want?

Xtacle:
We want a living wage!

Xtacle:
Yeah, and health insurance!

Xtacle:
Yeah, and some flex hours, b*tch!

Nearl:
I am Nearl!

Nearl:
What's your name's guys?

Xtacle:
Really? And is it me? Or is it 1987? A winged collar? Are you doing this? No, that's great. Maybe you and Nearl, your f-ing prom date, can borrow your dad's f-ing time machine and fly it in to the gym at I'm-a-jackoff-high-school and slow dance to Lisa, Lisa, and mother f-ing Cult Jam.

Xtacle 2:
Yeah, so who's read Flowers for Algernon?

Nearl:
Ken!

Xtacle 3:
About the kid with all the chains and the goggles and at the end he gets killed with a shotgun?

Xtacle 2:
No, that's ...

Xtacle 4:
Boosh!

Xtacle 3:
Boosh!

Xtacle 1:
Boosh!

Xtacle 2:
No ...

Xtacle 4:
Buh-buh-Boosh!

Xtacle 2:
That's Harrison Bergeron. [pause]

Xtacle 1, Xtacle 3, Xtacle 4:
Hollywood Squares!

Xtacle 2:
That's Tom Bergeron!

Xtacle 3:
Brother of Menelaus.

Xtacle 2:
Dammit, that's Agamemnon!

Xtacle 3:
Boosh!

Xtacle 2:
Okay.

Xtacle 1:
Boosh!

Xtacle 2:
Greek.

Xtacle:
Nearl?

Nearl:
Mr. Crews will do nicely, thank you. [Xtacles gasp]

Nearl:
Though I'm afraid I can't say the same for that winged collar... My God!

Xtacle:
Uh... where'd you get brain chemical?

Nearl:
Is this really Babar's house?

Xtacle:
Nearl...

Nearl:
Babar's house!

Xtacle:
Nearl, I'm gonna kill Babar.

Killface:
And what do you think you're doing?

Simon:
[mutters]

Killface:
Oh, really? Well, bright young lads who bring home a C in earth science and a C minus in algebra don't get to go on a lovely kidnapping.

Simon:
[mutters]

Killface:
Yes, as a matter of fact, we'll probably use algebra like mad today.

Killface:
What are you doing?

Sinn:
What?

Killface:
You're getting pretty for the crab man!

Sinn:
No, no, no...

Killface:
Yes you are!

Phillip:
Hey? Is that Crews?

Killface:
[to Phil] Shut up! [to Sinn] You want to marry him and have little crab babies and live happily ever after in your clam shell under the sea. And you'll say, "Oh, I know. Let's have that lovely Sponge Bob over for shish kabobs some night... And Patrick."

[a taxi has parked in Killface's reserved space at the Annihilatrix construction site.]

Sinn:
I don't believe it! You didn't kill the taxi driver?

Killface:
No. You know, I was, but I think it's hard enough on the Arabs in this beastly country right now, so I-

Sinn:
I don't think he's Arab...

Phillip:
No, I'm pretty sure that guy is Filipino...

Killface:
Oh, well then...

[Killface shoots the taxi driver.]

Killface:
London calling!

[Xander and Stan are being held hostage atop the Annihilatrix.]

Grace Ryan:
Baby! What are you doing up here?

Xander Crews:
Casper the mumbly f***in' Ghost kidnapped me!

Stan:
Us! Double kidnapping.

Stan:
Simon! You did this all by yourself?

Simon:
[mumbles]

Killface:
[hugging Simon] Come over her and hug Papa's neck!

Xander Crews:
That's your son?

Stan:
Huh, he is a he.

Killface:
Oh, I'm so proud of you! We'll go split a half-pint of lager and watch Cinemax all night.

Xander Crews:
Well, you can forget bein' an action figure!

Killface:
Sorry, what?

Stan:
Can we just forget the whole action-figure conceit? Please?

Killface:
[pointing a gun at Xander's head] Xander Crews! I demand a ransom of Twelve Billion Dollars!

Xander Crews:
Oh, terrific!

Xtacle:
[two Xtacles land on the platform, point their guns at Killface, and knock his gun away] He's not paying you a dime, Killface!

Xander Crews:
Yeah!

Xtacle:
[a third Xtacle lands and points his gun at Xander's head] Cuz dead men don't pay ransom!

Xander Crews:
No! Guys! Hey, woaw!

Hotel Waiter:
[coming up the elevator to the platform] Not so fast, Xtacles!

Stan:
Aw, come on!

Hotel Waiter:
He's mine!

Xander Crews:
What the...?

Grace Ryan:
Oh my God...

Killface:
Going to freak out now...

Grace Ryan:
This is Grace Ryan, Force 10 News, dangling, helplessly, from high atop the Annihilatrix. My microphone now literally a lifeline, because if I fall, I will drop right into what appear to be superintelligent, radioactive waste-covered ants.

Cameraman:
...Oh, God. Please fall.

Sinn:
[narrating] Next time, on Frisky Dingo.

Killface:
Oh, my God, she fell.

Killface:
We only have eleven minutes!

[Looks right at the camera]

Killface:
For this part of the kidnapping...

Xander Crews:
This is so wrong! I'm with a prostitute...

Hooker:
Yeah, come on, you big black son of a b*tch! Oh yeah!

Xander Crews:
[laughing] What? Where did that come from?

Hooker:
What?

Xander Crews:
Oh, don't stop. I like it.

Hooker:
Oh, ok. Eh-hem...

Xander Crews:
[hearing a crash in the next room] What? What was that?

Hooker:
Oh, baby. Oh, don't stop!

Xander Crews:
Shut up, hooker!

Grace Ryan:
What are you doing here?

Xander Crews:
[in disguise as Awsome-X] Xander Crews said I could use his place for this... hooker.

Grace Ryan:
You know him?

Xander Crews:
We went to college together, no we didn't. He will meet you at your place in one hour.

Grace Ryan:
I, um... I just, um...

Grace Ryan:
No time woman! He despises tardiness.

Xtacle:
Kinda wish we had Tivo.

Xtacle:
Oh, now you want Tivo.

Grace Ryan:
...Maybe finally unfreezing some of your sperm.

Xander Crews:
When did you freeze my sperm?

Grace Ryan:
Oh, I always do that.

Xander Crews:
It's to protect my loved ones.

Stan:
You don't have any loved ones!

Xander Crews:
*Gasp* Stan...

Stan:
What, the girlfriend you treat like dirt? Your murdered parents?

Xander Crews:
I knew you'd make me do that!

Stan:
Me? You're the one who spent 5 million dollars for a blowj*b!

Xander Crews:
It was a half and half, first of all. Secondly, I'm going.

Xander Crews:
Look, I don't care what kind of "Boys from Brazil" thing you got going on in there, but I'm still the boss in here. And we're making Awesome X dolls and they're gonna kick so much ass, you'll probably go blind.

Stan:
Watley?

Xander Crews:
Yeah... No, No... This monster man is...

Arthur Watley:
The Dreadlobster.

Xander Crews:
The Dreadlobster.

Stan:
What?

Xander Crews:
He's a supervillian for Awesome X to battle and drive the sales. Thoughts?

Stan:
He's an abomination!

Xander Crews:
Well it was his idea.

Arthur Watley:
Which looking back I really didn't think trough.

Stan:
Why is he so pale?

Xander Crews:
I don't know, why you so pale Watley?

Arthur Watley:
I think maybe my body's rejecting the claws.

Xander Crews:
Well cut it out...

Arthur Watley:
*Falls*

Xander Crews:
Watley? Waatley? Ugh, is he dead?

Stan:
He's damn close.

Xander Crews:
Check his neck pulse.

Stan:
That's what I'm doing!

Valerie:
Please don't kill us!

Killface:
Please don't make it so appealing!

Killface:
And... we're happy with this background?

Brent & Trent:
Yes, we're happy with it. Ok?

Killface:
It's not too... Leno-y?

Brent & Trent:
If you wanna be Leno-y we could have you come down here and you could do high fives. We could put a wig with a grey streak in your face. We could have you read off cue cards. We'll put Kevin Eubanks over there on guitar. [pause] I shouldn't have said that.

Simon:
I wanna go back to Arizona...

Killface:
We can't ever go back to Arizona!

Killface:
You know who I like, that pickle stork. You know? The one with the pickles?

Killface:
And have this place decorpsed. Young Simon should be skulking home any minute now...

Killface:
Shelley was a man, you philistine.

Killface:
Valerie! I want you to come over here and make out with Trent. Just, you know, really back that thing up on him.

Brent & Trent:
Great, there goes my pen...

Brent & Trent:
Wait I have an idea, we can get Jason Alexander.

Killface:
Great. You can call him when you hit the ground.

Brent & Trent:
Wait I have another idea, better than Jason Alexander.

Killface:
Don't you say David Arquette to me.

Brent & Trent:
Well now that you say that I'm not going to.

Killface:
GREAT SCOTT! P.C. stands for personal computer, I just this moment got that.

Killface:
Not a thing dry erase about that.

Killface:
And here I am reduced to postcards, the dry hump of marketing strategies.

Xander Crews:
Was Patty Hearst crazy when she kidnapped the Lindburgh twins?

Torpedo Vegas:
You can count it, if you want to be a douchebag all your life.

Wendell:
[while shooting at a news-team that crashed into him and his partner's van] You do not f*** with the Department of Labor!

Xander Crews:
And phase one begins Stan, is your ass ready to be rocked?

Taqu'il:
Cameraman, can you push in on this? It says, Welcome to you apostrophe -R -E doom?

Verl:
And he's got doom in quotes!

Mitzi:
Yeah!

Verl:
Which it shouldn't be.

Mitzi:
Oh I hate it when people do that. I, I just want to throw acid in their face. Do you know what I mean?

Killface:
Why does it say welcome to you are doom? What does that even mean? And why for god sake is doom in quotes?

Valerie:
I don't know.

Killface:
Is it some sort of ironic doom? Is the wink implied?

Xander Crews:
Then we pump those profits back into the, uh, profit cycle to generate even more profits. And I know what you're gonna say. Profits? Yes, Stan you're soaking in them. Thoughts?

Stan Clone:
Harumph!

Xander Crews:
Dude, are you even listening?

Stan:
Sorry, I was jonesing for a chick parm...

Stan Clone:
Harumph!

Stan:
Nope! Go get your own!

Xander Crews:
Dude, close your mouth!

Killface:
Come on.

Xander Crews:
Your incisors were right on my bag.

Killface:
We have got to get you some pants.

Stan:
Until you find Xander Crews, I'll blow one of your heads off every hour.

Xtacle:
Oh my f-ing god.

Xtacle:
What are we going to do?

Xtacle:
Well for starters, I don't think it was a good idea to agree to have remote controlled explosives put in our necks.

Xtacle:
Well, where were you at contract time?

Xtacle:
At your mom's house.

[Xtacle #2 pulls out gun]

Xtacle:
Cleaning! I was only cleaning!

Xtacle:
[Xtacle #2 puts away gun] Yeah, that's what I thought.

Xtacle:
[Xtacle #1 draws his gun] Her vagina!

Xander Crews:
When I was his age I was a chronic masturbator.

Xander Crews:
Still kinda am. I'll masturbate right now actually. Right here. In this car.

Killface:
[after Simon runs off with a drawer full of cutlery] Oh my God! Alert the pet shops! It's Arizona all over again!

Xander Crews:
Does this thing just start like a frickin' car? [puts key in the Annihilatrix]

Killface:
Wait, wait!

Xander Crews:
[turns key] Retarded!

Killface:
Oh my God, you armed it!

Xander Crews:
[shouting] Why did I also do that?

Killface:
What is wrong with you?

Xander Crews:
My parents never established boundaries!

Killface:
Idiot!

Xander Crews:
Make it stop!

Killface:
It's all right, there's a fail safe.

Xander Crews:
I don't know or care what that means!

Xtacle:
Hey, uh, is it weird that I kinda wanna f*** Hooper?

Xtacle:
Not as weird as I kinda wanna f*** new Fat Mike.

Ronnie:
Yeah, he gonna get it. Boosh!

Xander Crews:
[on 'Vera Drake'] For an abortion movie, its pretty funny.

Killface:
Pride is a fool's folly. [ants begin crawling over his face] Now, who's for Denny's?

Stan:
You can't fax glitter.

Xander Crews:
Not with that attitude!

Stan:
Not with any attitude!

Sinn:
Perhaps you could get something for it at the local pawnbrokery.

Killface:
Sinn, that's bloody brilliant. Hocking this fax machine is sure to bring in the 12 billion I need to complete the Annihilatrix. You're really really really really really really really really smart! [pause] And pretty.