Fun & Fancy Free

Jiminy Cricket:
[singing] Don't cross a bridge or peak 'round the corner until you're there. / Just learn to smile, and in a while, you'll find trouble's a bubble of air.

Jiminy Cricket:
Now, some folks like the heavy stuff with titles five feet wide. Not me, I'm always out for fun. I like the lighter side, yes, sir!

Jiminy Cricket:
You know, you worry too much. In fact, everybody worries too much.

Jiminy Cricket:
Never saw such a dismal pair. A deadpan doll and a droopy bear.

Jiminy Cricket:
Life is a song - happy, gay. So let's have some music. Come on! What do you say?

Narrator:
This is the story of three bears.

Jiminy Cricket:
Yeah, I know. The mama bear, the papa bear, and the itsy-bitsy baby bear.

Narrator:
Oh, but it's not the story you expect.

Narrator:
Naturally, you'd think he'd be handled with kid gloves, treated like a king, and pampered like a baby. But, no! He was tossed around like an old shoe. Bongo, the bear in the gilded cage.

Jiminy Cricket:
Three is a crowd, they say, so I'll drop back another day.

Edgar Bergen:
Now, Luana, how would you like another piece of cake or some ice cream?

Luana Patten:
No, thank you. I'm full up.

Edgar Bergen:
Some candy?

Charlie McCarthy:
Care for a cigar?

Luana Patten:
Me?

[everyone laughs]

Edgar Bergen:
How about you, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd:
Uh... I don't smoke.

Edgar Bergen:
I don't mean that.

Edgar Bergen:
Once upon a time, long long ago...

Charlie McCarthy:
Funny, nothing ever happens nowadays.

Edgar Bergen:
No longer was the valley happy, for without the magic of the harp, all was misery, misery, misery.

Charlie McCarthy:
Just like the eighth grade.

Edgar Bergen:
Naught left but beans.

Charlie McCarthy:
Ahem. Bean, you mean.

Edgar Bergen:
If it were one man and three beans... But, no. One bean and three men.

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, at least there are no bones in it.

Goofy:
[singing] Lots of starches, / Lots of greens, / Fancy chocolate-covered...

Mickey Mouse:
Beans!

Goofy:
What d'you mean, "beans"?

Mickey Mouse:
Yeah, fellows. I sold the cow for some magic beans!

Donald Duck:
Beans? [goes crazy]

Mickey Mouse:
But Donald! These are not ordinary beans! They're magic beans! If you plant these beans in the light of a full moon, do you know what'll happen?

Donald Duck:
Yes! We get more beans!

Mortimer Snerd:
[referring to giant footprints] Oh, gosh! Who made them?

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, it wasn't Cinderella.

Willie the Giant:
[pointing at one of the lines on his hand] But what's this here? What is it? What is it?

Mickey Mouse:
Uh-oh! I can't believe it!

Willie the Giant:
Is it bad?

Mickey Mouse:
Why, i-i-it says here that you can change yourself into anything!

Willie the Giant:
Sure, sure! You wanna see me? I can change myself into the darndest things! Go on, gimme somethin'. Anything!

Mickey Mouse:
Anything?

Willie the Giant:
Anything!

Edgar Bergen:
See? Mickey never misses a trick. He's got a good idea.

Mickey Mouse:
Well, uh. Can you change into a fly?

Willie the Giant:
A cute, teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy housefly?

Mickey Mouse:
That's it! A housefly!

Willie the Giant:
Aww, you don't want a fly! How about a bunny with long, pink ears?

Mickey Mouse:
Huh! Well, of course, if you can't do a fly, why, uh...

Willie the Giant:
All right. A fly. [suddenly loudly] WHY?

Mickey Mouse:
Well, uh... because.

Willie the Giant:
Okay. A teeny-weeny fly... with pink wings! Now for the magic wordies. Fe, fi, fo, fum. He, hi, ho, hum. I'm a most amazing guy. Te, ti, te, ti, te, ti.

[transforms into a bunny]

Willie the Giant:
You sure you don't want a pink bunny?

[notices that Mickey, Donald and Goofy have a fly swatter]

Willie the Giant:
Hey, what is this? You think you fool Willie.

Willie the Giant:
Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum... I smell...

Charlie McCarthy:
You're telling us.

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, Donald may be nuts, but he's got the right idea. Kill the cow.

Luana Patten:
Oh, no, Charlie! The cow was their best friend.

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Edgar Bergen:
So what?

Charlie McCarthy:
So, they need some steak.

Mortimer Snerd:
No! If you're gonna kill the cow, I don't wanna hear the rest of the story!

Edgar Bergen:
To think that this was once Happy Valley.

Charlie McCarthy:
Now it's Gruesome Gulch.

Edgar Bergen:
Days pass, weeks pass.

Charlie McCarthy:
I pass. You deal.

Luana Patten:
But why did the giant want to steal the harp?

Edgar Bergen:
Because he was cruel and selfish. He didn't care what happened to the valley. He just wanted someone to sing him to sleep.

Mortimer Snerd:
Well, why didn't he turn on the radio?

Edgar Bergen:
Well, they didn't have radios in those days.

Charlie McCarthy:
Yeah. That's why they called it Happy Valley.

Luana Patten:
Ooh, dragonflies!

Charlie McCarthy:
Yeah. A-flyin' front and draggin' behind.

[Mickey is pressed between a wall and the giant's jewelry box]

Charlie McCarthy:
Anybody wanna buy a tall, thin mouse?

Edgar Bergen:
No, thank you. Uh, I mean, no.

Edgar Bergen:
Things look pretty dark for our heroes.

Charlie McCarthy:
Looks like their goose is cooked.

Edgar Bergen:
No. There's still a chance. Don't forget, there's still the magic harp. She knows the giant's weakness.

Charlie McCarthy:
She could be my weakness.

[Willie is sniffing around his table while Mickey and the others are trying to avoid getting caught]

Charlie McCarthy:
Hey, giant! You're getting warm!

Mortimer Snerd:
Well, don't tell him!

Charlie McCarthy:
Behind the jar, stupid!

Luana Patten:
Charlie!

Edgar Bergen:
[as the beanstalk climbs into the stratosphere] And all through the night, it grew onward and upward.

Charlie McCarthy:
That thing is a menace to aviation.

Edgar Bergen:
Yes, the voice of this golden harp cast a magic spell of joy and prosperity over the valley, but it was too good to last.

Charlie McCarthy:
I knew there was a catch in it.

Edgar Bergen:
For one day...

Charlie McCarthy:
They built a school house.

Edgar Bergen:
No, no.

Luana Patten:
What happened to all the people?

Edgar Bergen:
Well, suppose we look in on these humble peasants.

Mortimer Snerd:
Is that a peasant?

Charlie McCarthy:
That's a cow, stupid.

Luana Patten:
Well, at least they had milk.

Edgar Bergen:
Well, she used to be a good milker, but now...

Charlie McCarthy:
She's an udder failure.

Edgar Bergen:
Are you listening, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd:
Uh... Happy Valley?

Edgar Bergen:
That's right, yes. Now, just try to imagine it. Can't you just close your eyes and see it?

Mortimer Snerd:
Well, I can't see very good with my eyes closed. My eyelids get in the way.

Edgar Bergen:
Well, you create a picture in your mind's eye.

Mortimer Snerd:
Oh.

Charlie McCarthy:
That's not easy for him. His mind gets in the way.

Edgar Bergen:
Just look at that miserable creature. Doggedly struggling to maintain life. A gaunt, lean bag of bones and feathers. Truly a picture of despair. But Donald doesn't whimper. Donald doesn't give up.

Donald Duck:
Shut up! I can't stand it!

Willie the Giant:
Pot roast! Chocolate pot roast, with stispacio... with dismashnee... with dismash... with green gravy.

Charlie McCarthy:
[Goofy's pants have fallen down] Ha! Caught with his pants...

Edgar Bergen:
[sternly] Charlie.

Charlie McCarthy:
Caught with his pants...

Edgar Bergen:
Charlie!

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, his slip was showing.

Willie the Giant:
[lifts the roof off of Edgar Bergen's house] Hey, has anybody seen anything of a teensy-weensy, little mouse?

Edgar Bergen:
No, I-I-I...

[faints]

Luana Patten:
Oh, Mr. Bergen!

Charlie McCarthy:
Bergen, speak to me! Speak to me!

Willie the Giant:
What's the matter with him? Something he ate?

Mortimer Snerd:
No, it's uh, it's a fig... fig... figmentation of his imagination.

Willie the Giant:
No!

Mortimer Snerd:
Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen. [laughs]

Edgar Bergen:
Well, what shall we do now? Any suggestions?

Charlie McCarthy:
How would you like to go down to the city dump and watch me slug rats?

Edgar Bergen:
Certainly not. How would you like to hear me tell a story?

Luana Patten:
Oh, I'd love it. Wouldn't you, Charlie?

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, I, uh... no.

Edgar Bergen:
This is a story that everyone should know.

Charlie McCarthy:
Yes, but not everyone should tell it, and you know who.

Edgar Bergen:
I'm going to tell it anyway. Now, many, many years ago...

Charlie McCarthy:
I think I'll go out and wind the sundial. [tries to get up and leave, but Bergen stops him]

Edgar Bergen:
You'll stay right here.

Luana Patten:
What did the giant look like?

Edgar Bergen:
Well, he was, oh... I'll try and show you. [He turns on a lamp and aims it at the wall] He looked something like this. [Makes a shadow puppet of a pig]

Mortimer Snerd:
Looks like my pig, Snedly.

Charlie McCarthy:
Never mind the self-portraits.

Edgar Bergen:
Well, no, that isn't right. He looked more like... More like this. [Makes shadow puppet of Willie the Giant] There he is now. And the giant came home for dinner, roaring...

Charlie McCarthy:
[Steps in front of spotlight]... drunk.

Edgar Bergen:
[as Willie] I was not!

Edgar Bergen:
[Normal] I mean, he was not.

Edgar Bergen:
[as Willie] No.

Edgar Bergen:
Down the castle hall he came, roaring..."Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!"

Edgar Bergen:
Now it was called Happy Valley because everyone who lived there was happy.

Charlie McCarthy:
No! Well, there's a hunk of logic for you.

Edgar Bergen:
This was the biggest adventure of their lives. Forgotten was their hunger, forgotten was their fear. It took courage to scale these massive steps, to make this journey into the unknown. But these stout-hearted lads never faltered. Three minds but with a single thought: What mystery lurked within those cold, forbidding walls? What strange spell hovered over this gloomy place? [Mickey knocks on door] Will no one answer? Are they walking into a trap? Do they go in?

Charlie McCarthy:
You know, you could stand some rehersal on this story.

Edgar Bergen:
[Mortimer is crying because Willie got killed] What I'm trying to explain, Mortimer, is that Willie the Giant didn't actually exist.

Mortimer Snerd:
No?

Edgar Bergen:
No. He's a metaphysical phenomenon of your subconscious mind, a phantasmagoria of your mental faculties.

Mortimer Snerd:
Yeah?

Edgar Bergen:
In other words, just a figment of your imagination.

Mortimer Snerd:
No!

Edgar Bergen:
Yes. So there's nothing to be upset about.

Willie the Giant:
[singing] Fe, fi, fo, fum / He, hi, ho, hum / I'm a most amazing guy / A most amazing guy am I! / Fe, fi, fo, fum / He, hi, ho, hum / I'm the stuff, I'm telling you! / For here's what I can do / I can change myself into an elf / Fly up high like the birdies / I can disappear into atmosphere - Peekaboo! / 'Cuz I know the magic wordies / Fi, fo, fe, foy / Fe, fe, fe, fe... Fi-Fi? I don't know no Fi-Fi!

Charlie McCarthy:
[wearing a mustache; growling] I'm a giant!

Edgar Bergen:
You are not. You're nothing of the kind.

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, I'm a small giant.

Edgar Bergen:
No, you're not!

Charlie McCarthy:
I'm, uh... I'm tougher than forty men!

Edgar Bergen:
You're not.

Charlie McCarthy:
Well, er... twenty men.

Edgar Bergen:
No.

Charlie McCarthy:
No? Ten men?

Edgar Bergen:
Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Charlie? Why do you act like that?

Charlie McCarthy:
I don't know. I guess it's just a stage I'm going through.

Edgar Bergen:
Well, take off that mustache. [pulls mustache off Charlie's face]

Charlie McCarthy:
Ow!

Edgar Bergen:
Now go over there and behave yourself!

Charlie McCarthy:
Yes, sir. Everything I do is wrong.

Jiminy Cricket:
[reading in a newspaper] Here, just look at the morning paper. Turn to any page. You'll find the whole world worryin' about some future age. But why get so excited? What's gonna be is gonna be. The end of the world's been comin' since 1903. That's, uh, B.C., of course.

[Willie prepares himself a sandwich]

Willie the Giant:
Feedee!

[Slices some cheese, taking Mickey but narrowly avoiding Goofy]

Willie the Giant:
Fidee!

[Takes a chicken leg]

Willie the Giant:
Fodee!

[Takes some onions, narrowly missing Donald]

Willie the Giant:
Fum!

[Pours pepper on his sandwich. Mickey sneezes the contents on Willie's face]

Mickey Mouse:
Gesundheit! [laughs]

Jiminy Cricket:
[comes across an envelope] Miss Luana Patten?

[walks off]

Jiminy Cricket:
Hmm, well! Of course, it's not cricket to read other folk's mail, but...

[stops in his tracks and sees an invitation]

Jiminy Cricket:
A party?

[opens and reads]

Jiminy Cricket:
"Tonight! The house across the street. Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd, Edgar Bergen." Hmm. Never heard of him. "Please come." Why, I'd be delighted!

Luana Patten:
Isn't that a wonderful trick?

Charlie McCarthy:
Yes, indeed. Yes. I wish I could enjoy my first childhood as much as he enjoys his second.

Mickey Mouse:
How'd you get here?

Singing Harp:
I was kidnapped by that wicked giant!

Mickey Mouse:
Oh. What? A giant?

Mortimer Snerd:
A giant?

Luana Patten:
A giant?

Jiminy Cricket:
A giant?

Edgar Bergen:
Bigger than forty men!

Mortimer Snerd:
Oh, no!

Edgar Bergen:
An ogre who had the power to turn himself into anything, man or beast!

Jiminy Cricket:
That calls for a drink!

[Mickey has retrieved the key to the jewel box from Willie's pocket and has climbed back up to the box]

Donald Duck:
He made it!

Goofy:
He did? [looks through keyhole] Here he comes with the key!

Donald Duck:
[looking through keyhole] Let me have it, Mickey! [the key goes through the keyhole and hits Donald, knocking him over]

Narrator:
[talking about Bongo] He was a circus bear. He was born in the circus, grew up in the circus, in fact, Bongo was the star of the circus. Why, he could juggle and dance while on a trapeze; walk a tightrope with the greatest of ease. In jujitsu, he was beyond compare; once threw a bull at the county fair; super at wrestling and lifting weights; outboxed the champs of seventeen states. They all packed in from near and far to see this death-defying star. With mouths wide open, they watched his ascent as he daringly climbed to the top of the tent. Then for a grand climax, he would gracefully plunge three hundred feet into a wet sponge.

Edgar Bergen:
Yes, it was one of nature's garden spots, nestled among the green, rolling hills. Can't you see the lovely brook as it flows through the valley?

Mortimer Snerd:
Mmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Edgar Bergen:
The winding roads, line with stately trees.

Mortimer Snerd:
Trees. Yeah.

Edgar Bergen:
Lush fields and prosperous farms dot the landscape.

Mortimer Snerd:
L-Landscape. Yeah.

Edgar Bergen:
And high on a hilltop overlooking the valley, shining like a jewel, stands...

Mortimer Snerd:
My red barn.

Edgar Bergen:
No, no. It was something much nicer. It was a majestic castle.

Edgar Bergen:
The fields of golden corn turned to dust.

Charlie McCarthy:
Kerplop.

Edgar Bergen:
The laughing brook flowed no more. To think that this was once Happy Valley!

Charlie McCarthy:
Now it's Gruesome Gulch.

Ophelia:
Well, good night, Luana.

Luana Patten:
Good night, Ophelia.

Ophelia:
Bonne nuit, Mortimer.

Mortimer Snerd:
Uh... ma'am?

Ophelia:
Bonne nuit.

Mortimer Snerd:
Oh, yes, ma'am. Yeah, yeah. Bunny. Uh bunny, bunny wee, bunny wee. Bun-Uh... uh, I don't know no bunny wee.

Crow Chorus:
[flying toward a scarecrow, then dancing on one of his arms] Never knew such bliss, never read of this in a book or plaaaaaay, what a lovely daaaaaay! What a great big gorgeous, sumptious, thumping, bumptious, hum-galumptious, simply scruptious! [all fall off the scarecrow's arm, then fly vertically above then back down to the scarecrow's arm] Oh my, oh my, what a haaaaap-py daaaaaay! [all laugh]

Goofy:
[singing to the tune of "Funiculi Finicula"] Turkey, lobster, sweet potater pie/ pancakes piled up til they reach the sky

Donald Duck:
[scat singing] Wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak wak!

Goofy:
Ooooooooooh! [his Adam's apple knocks out Donald] I'm gonna eat and eat, and eat and eat, and eat until I die!

Goofy, Donald Duck:
[both singing] Turkey, lobster, sweet potato pie/ pancakes piled up til they reach the sky

Goofy:
[singing] Lots of scorches, lots of leaves, some fancy chocolate covered -...

Mickey Mouse:
Beans!

Goofy:
[disgusted] What do you mean beans?

Mickey Mouse:
Yeah fellas I sold the cow for some nice beans

Donald Duck:
Beans? [jumps into the ceiling throwing a temper tantrum while tearing out his head feathers]

Mickey Mouse:
But Donald these are no ordinary beans they're magic beans, if you plant these beans on the night of a full moon do you know what'll happen?

Donald Duck:
Yes you'll get more beans! [takes the box from him and throws them into a hole in the floor]

Mickey Mouse:
No, no, Donald!

Donald Duck:
Magic beans!, phooey!