Galaxy Quest

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
Never give up. Never surrender.

Young Tommy Webber:
Exiting the time knot now, sir.

Fred Kwan:
We're alive.

Young Tommy Webber:
We made it, Commander. We made it.

Sir Alexander Dane:
By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.

Voice of Computer:
Systems registering functional.

Gwen DeMarco:
All systems are working, Commander.

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
I don't like it. It was too easy.

Young Tommy Webber:
Wait. Oh, no! They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.

Gwen DeMarco:
A trap!

Sir Alexander Dane:
We're surrounded, Commander.

Fred Kwan:
It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped.

Sir Alexander Dane:
Surrender may be our only option.

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
No! Never give up, never surrender.

Young Tommy Webber:
Your orders, sir?

Young Tommy Webber:
Sir, your orders?

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
Activate the Omega 13.

Sir Alexander Dane:
You don't hold the turbo down, it's for quick boosts!

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
Oh, like you know!

Announcer:
And now, back again after 18 years: The New Adventures of Galaxy Quest.

Sir Alexander Dane:
I played Richard III.

Fred Kwan:
There were five curtain calls.

Sir Alexander Dane:
There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me. I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time.

Gwen DeMarco:
Fred, you had a part people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my B*OBS and how they fit into my suit. No one bothered to ask me what I do on the show.

Fred Kwan:
You were... umm, wait...

Gwen DeMarco:
I repeated the computer, Fred.

Jason Nesmith:
Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack?

Jason Nesmith:
Apparently not.

Jason Nesmith:
You WILL go out there.

Sir Alexander Dane:
I won't and nothing you say will make me.

Jason Nesmith:
The show must go on.

Sir Alexander Dane:
...Damn you.

Gwen DeMarco:
You've gotta admit, they really do love him.

Tommy Webber:
Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

Jason Nesmith:
There is no "quantum flux". There's no "auxiliary". THERE'S NO GODDAMNED SHIP. You got it?

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be there. This fine ship, this fine crew. Never give up... and never surrender.

Jason Nesmith:
This is great. Usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage.

Fred Kwan:
That was a hell of a thing.

Fred Kwan:
Wow, the floors are so clean.

Gwen DeMarco:
Jason, we are actors, not astronauts.

Mathesar:
We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favorite among the adventurous.

Sir Alexander Dane:
It's like throwing gasoline on a flame.

Guy Fleegman:
I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just "Crewman Number Six." I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I've gotta get outta here.

Voice of Computer:
Enemy is matching velocity.

Gwen DeMarco:
The enemy is matching velocity.

Sir Alexander Dane:
We heard it the first time.

Gwen DeMarco:
Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer.

Gwen DeMarco:
I remember that sound. It's a bad sound.

Gwen DeMarco:
They're not ALL "historical documents." Surely, you don't think Gilligan's Island is a...

Mathesar:
Those poor people.

Sir Alexander Dane:
By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.

Guy Fleegman:
I changed my mind. I wanna go back.

Sir Alexander Dane:
After the fuss you made about getting left behind?

Guy Fleegman:
Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship, and something is up there, and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.

Jason Nesmith:
You're not gonna die on the planet, Guy.

Guy Fleegman:
I'm not? Then what's my last name?

Jason Nesmith:
It's, uh, uh - -I don't know.

Guy Fleegman:
Nobody knows. Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm gonna die five minutes in.

Gwen DeMarco:
Guy, you have a last name.

Guy Fleegman:
DO I? DO I? For all you know, I'm "Crewman Number Six".

Tommy Webber:
You know, with all that makeup and stuff, I actually thought you were SMART for a second.

Sir Alexander Dane:
Could they be the miners?

Fred Kwan:
Sure, they're like three years old.

Sir Alexander Dane:
MINERS, not MINORS.

Fred Kwan:
You lost me.

Guy Fleegman:
Did you guys ever WATCH the show?

Gwen DeMarco:
Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy.

Sir Alexander Dane:
You're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?

Jason Nesmith:
It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation.

Sir Alexander Dane:
See, that's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.

Jason Nesmith:
Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I'm an actor. We're all actors.

Sarris:
He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child.

Jason Nesmith:
We, uh, we pretended.

Jason Nesmith:
We lied.

Sir Alexander Dane:
Where's the happy ending, Jason? "Never give up, never surrender"?

Fred Kwan:
Sorry, I was - door was a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40.

Jason Nesmith:
You used to pull your punches.

Sir Alexander Dane:
It's "Scene-Stealing Hack," thank you.

Jason Nesmith:
"Raving Egomaniac"?

Sir Alexander Dane:
Can't think where I got THAT from.

Quellek:
I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth haze.

Gwen DeMarco:
Ducts? Why is it always ducts?

Guy Fleegman:
I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm gonna die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.

Fred Kwan:
Guy, Guy... maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that?

Guy Fleegman:
Plucky?

Jason Nesmith:
It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one.

Brandon's Mom:
Where are you going with those fireworks?

Brandon:
Well, the Protector got super-accelerated coming out of the black hole, and it, like, nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15, which, you guys know, is pretty unstable, obviously, so we're gonna help Laredo guide it on the vox ultra-frequency carrier and use Roman candles for visual confirmation.

Brandon's Mom:
Uh, all right, dinner's at seven.

Brandon's Mom:
Well, he's outside.

Guy Fleegman:
Wait, don't open that. It's an alien planet. Is there air? You don't know.

Fred Kwan:
Seems okay.

Gwen DeMarco:
Whoever wrote this episode should DIE.

Guy Fleegman:
Hey guys, there's a red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy.

Jason Nesmith:
What?

Guy Fleegman:
Red-thingy moving toward the green-thingy. I think we're the green-thingy.

Sir Alexander Dane:
I see you've managed to get your shirt off.

Gwen DeMarco:
What is this thing? I mean, it serves no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway. No, I mean we shouldn't have to do this, it makes no logical sense, why is it here?

Jason Nesmith:
'Cause it's on the television show.

Gwen DeMarco:
Well forget it, I'm not doing it, this episode was badly written.

Sir Alexander Dane:
By Grabthar's hammer... what savings.

Guy Fleegman:
Oh *that's* not right.

Announcer:
It's... another crew member.

Announcer:
Give him a hand, he's British.

Fred Kwan:
It's the simple things in life that you treasure.

Sir Alexander Dane:
You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship.

Jason Nesmith:
You know, what I could really use here is a cup holder and some Advil.

Jason Nesmith:
Where are you going?

Sir Alexander Dane:
To see if there's a pub.

Jason Nesmith:
All right, let's settle down. If we're going to get through this we're going to need self control.

Gwen DeMarco:
Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with every Terrakian slave and the Moon Princess on the show.

Fred Kwan:
Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that, the reactors won't take it; the ship is breaking apart and all that... Just FYI.

Mathesar:
Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.

Jason Nesmith:
Thanks, appreciate it... Anybody seen my other shoe?

Tommy Webber:
You were holding it upside down

Sir Alexander Dane:
Shut up, Tom.

Jason Nesmith:
You all came. Who wants the grand tour?

Jason Nesmith:
Anybody else?

Jason Nesmith:
Give me any kind of signal?

Tommy Webber:
I'll do this: CAW. CAW.

Jason Nesmith:
What are you, an infant?

Guy Fleegman:
I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Gwen DeMarco:
They are *so* cute.

Guy Fleegman:
Sure, they're cute now, but in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them.

Jason Nesmith:
What? What was that?

Alexander Dane:
Uh, nothing.

Jason Nesmith:
I heard some squealing or something.

Gwen DeMarco:
Oh, no. Everything's fine.

Teb:
But the animal is inside out.

Jason Nesmith:
I heard that! It turned inside out?

Teb:
And it exploded.

Jason Nesmith:
Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then is EXPLODED?

Alexander Dane:
You're just going to have to kill it.

Jason Nesmith:
Kill it? Well, I'm open to any suggestions.

Tommy Webber:
Go for the eyes, like in episode 22!

Jason Nesmith:
He doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!

Tommy Webber:
Go for the mouth, then, the throat, his vulnerable spots!

Jason Nesmith:
It's a rock! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!

Guy Fleegman:
I know! You construct a weapon. Look around, can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

Brandon Wheeger:
I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said.

Jason Nesmith:
It's okay, now listen...

Brandon Wheeger:
But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, okay? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. I know there's no beryllium sphere...

Jason Nesmith:
Hold it.

Brandon Wheeger:
no digital conveyor, no ship...

Jason Nesmith:
Stop for a second, stop. It's all real.

Brandon Wheeger:
Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

Jason Nesmith:
Ok, here's the plan: first, Fred, we need a diversion to clear these things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back Tommy, give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.

Gwen DeMarco:
Why does this sound so familiar?

Tommy Webber:
"Assault on Voltarek III". Episode 81 I think.

Guy Fleegman:
We're doing episode 81?

Tommy Webber:
Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.

Gwen DeMarco:
How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?

Guy Fleegman:
We're doing episode 81, Jason?

Jason Nesmith:
It doesn't have to be a hologram, just a diversion.

Guy Fleegman:
Jason, are we doing episode 81 or not?

Jason Nesmith:
It's a rough plan guy, what does it matter if we're doing episode 81 or not?

Guy Fleegman:
BECAUSE I DIED... IN EPISODE 81!

Mathesar:
We were hoping you could come with us. Our people have no commander.

Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:
Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander, sir.

Sarris:
Perhapes I'm not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander.

Sarris:
How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.

Alexander Dane:
How did I come to this?

Tommy Webber:
Not again.

Alexander Dane:
I played Richard III at the Royal National Theatre before Her Majesty the Queen.

Fred Kwan:
Five curtain calls.

Alexander Dane:
There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time. I can't. I won't.

Gwen DeMarco:
Well, Alex, at least you had a part. Okay? You played a character people loved. I mean, my TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my b*obs and how they fit into my suit! No one even bothered to ask what I do on the show.

Fred Kwan:
You had the - wait. Wait, I'll think of it.

Gwen DeMarco:
I repeated the computer, Fred.

Gwen DeMarco:
[watching the fans' reaction to Nesmith] You've got to admit, they really do love him.

Alexander Dane:
Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself.

Jason Nesmith:
[Keeping Dane from running away] Come on, old friend!

Alexander Dane:
Old friend?! You stole all my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely!

[Tommy is trying to steer the ship through a minefield]

Alexander Dane:
Could you possibly try not to hit every single one?!

Tommy Webber:
Sorry, man, they're drifting towards us! I think they're magnetic!

Computer:
Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage. Aft vector guards, 96% damage. Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40...

Jason Nesmith:
What about the engines?

Computer:
Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage.

Gwen DeMarco:
Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power?

Computer:
The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress.

Gwen DeMarco:
It's fractured.

Jason Nesmith:
Can it be repaired?

Gwen DeMarco:
Computer, can it be repaired?

Computer:
Damage to beryllium sphere: Irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured.

Gwen DeMarco:
We need another one.

Guy Fleegman:
Uhh!

Alexander Dane:
[to Jason] You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship!

Jason Nesmith:
Eh, uh-- [clears throat] Computer, is there, uh, a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?

Gwen DeMarco:
Computer, is there a replacement Beryllium sphere on board?

Computer:
Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists on board.

Gwen DeMarco:
[to crew] No, we have no extra Beryllium sphere on board.

Tommy Webber:
You know, that is really getting annoying!

Gwen DeMarco:
Look! I have one job on this lousy ship, it's stupid, but I'm gonna do it! Okay?

Tommy Webber:
Sure, no problem.

[The shuttle has landed and Fred is opening the hatch]

Guy Fleegman:
Hey! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know!

Fred Kwan:
[calmly sniffs the air and takes a few quick breaths] Seems okay.

[The actors were watching the miners]

Alexander Dane:
Could they be the miners?

Fred Kwan:
Sure, they're like, three years old.

[The actors face Fred Kwan]

Alexander Dane:
Miners. Not minors.

Fred Kwan:
You lost me.

[Jason is being menaced by a huge rock monster]

Alexander Dane:
Fred's no good, Jason; you're just gonna have to kill it.

Jason Nesmith:
"Kill it"? Well, I'm open to any suggestions!

Tommy Webber:
Go for the eyes, like in Episode 22!

Jason Nesmith:
It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy!

Tommy Webber:
Well, then go for the throat or something, its vulnerable spots!

Jason Nesmith:
It's a rock: It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!

Guy Fleegman:
I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?

Jason Nesmith:
A LATHE?! GET OFF THE LINE, GUY!! Alexander, you're my adviser. Advise me!

Alexander Dane:
Well, you're just gonna have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?

Jason Nesmith:
It's a rock monster! It doesn't have a motivation!

Alexander Dane:
You see, this was your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft!

Fred Kwan:
We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.

Guy Fleegman:
Listen. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this, [brandishes an oversize alien gun] I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.

Fred Kwan:
[concerned] That's suicide.

Guy Fleegman:
I'm just a glorified extra, Fred, I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die, I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.

Fred Kwan:
Guy. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief, you ever think about that?

Guy Fleegman:
Plucky?

Fred Kwan:
Besides, [goofy laugh] I just had this really interesting idea. Yeah, let's go.

Guy Fleegman:
Are you stoned?

Tommy Webber:
Whoo!

Guy Fleegman:
We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire?

Jason Nesmith:
No! Divert all energy to the armor!

Sarris:
How adorable. The actors are going to play war with me.

Gwen DeMarco:
Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at Mark 2.

Jason Nesmith:
Accelerate to Mark 4!

Sarris:
Let me remind you, sonny: I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake.

Jason Nesmith:
Well, let me tell you something, Sarris! It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!

Gwen DeMarco:
Armor almost gone, Jason!

Sarris:
You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!

Jason Nesmith:
And what you fail to realize is my ship is dragging mines!

[The Protector is shown to have mines trailing it towards Sarris' ship]

Sarris:
OH, NO! TURN! TURN!

[Sarris quickly does something on a console as the mines slam into his ship and destroy it. The actors cheer]

Mathesar:
The medical quarters are to the left.

Tommy Webber:
What the hell is going on?

Alexander Dane:
Jason, what have you gotten us into?

Gwen DeMarco:
I don't believe this, it's insane.

Fred Kwan:
Wow, the floors are so clean.

Teb:
And it exploded.

Jason Nesmith:
Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it exploded? Hello?

Gwen DeMarco:
Hold, please.

Gwen Demarco:
Look, I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to do it, okay?

Guy Fleegman:
[manning the sensor station; Sarris has sent missiles at the Protector] Hey, guys, th–there's a red-uh thingy, movin' toward the green thingy.

Jason Nesmith:
What?

Guy Fleegman:
[repeating] Red thingy, movin' toward the green thingy. I think we're the green thingy.

Sarris:
A little present for you, Commander.