Garfield's Thanksgiving

Garfield:
[sees his vet appointment written on the Wednesday page of the calendar and tears it off, then feeds the page to Odie] Here Odie! Wednesdays are good and good for ya!

[shoves the page in Odie's mouth]

Garfield:
Gee, I've been on this diet only ten minutes and I can tell I've already lost something... my sense of humor.

Jon Arbuckle:
I've brought you to the vet for a checkup.

Garfield:
Check-OUT, Jon, we're only here so you can check out the vet. Why don't you marry her, then she could make house calls?

Dr. Liz Wilson:
The good news is your cat is as healthy as a horse.

Garfield:
Hear that, Jon? The woman is a great specialist.

Dr. Liz Wilson:
The bad news is that he's also as big as a horse. He'll have to go on a diet.

Garfield:
Quack, she's a quack! Get me outta here!

Garfield:
[seeing Thanksgiving on the calendar page then, describing Thanksgiving to Odie] Hello, what's this? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving! You see that, Odie? Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. That's the day people celebrate with food by eating as much of it as possible.

[Odie grunts in question]

Garfield:
Yes! That's the day people try to eat every turkey, pumpkin, and cranberry on the face of the earth.

[Odie spits out the calendar page that Garfield stuffed in his mouth earlier]

Garfield:
It's a tradition. And you know how I LOVE tradition!

Garfield:
Yum, yum. Turkey on a stick.

Grandma:
And now, for the piece de resistance - pumpkin pie!

Garfield:
Skip the piece of resistance, just gimme a piece of pie!

Garfield:
[chanting] Deep fat fry! Deep fat fry! Music to my ears!

Garfield:
Oh, woe is me. I've been put on a diet, and I'm gonna die.

Garfield:
Pancakes, pancakes the size of Australia, and coffee, yes, Jon, coffee. We wouldn't be the great nation we are without coffee. So do your patriotic duty, Jon Arbuckle, and fix - me - breakfast! [drum beats, then Odie crashes cymbals]

Jon Arbuckle:
[slightly dazed] I wonder if people with goldfish have this problem.

Jon Arbuckle:
Garfield, I need help.

Garfield:
Hm, understatement of the year.

Dr. Liz Wilson:
While I'm here I may as well check you for vitamin deficiencies. I don't want you to become anemic.

Garfield:
Don't forget beri-beri, rickets, and scurvy, too, Doc.

Jon Arbuckle:
Thanks for telling me I wasn't wearing any pants, Garfield.

Garfield:
Oh sure, blame it on the vet.

Grandma:
Have cooking utensils, will travel.

Garfield:
Now *this* is what Thanksgiving is all about. [shoving the groceries in Jon's face while he's driving] Thanksgiving is cookies! Thanksgiving is pie filling! Thanksgiving is coleslaw! Drive carefully, Jon; don't wanna bruise my kumquats. W-wait a minute. Wh-where're we goin', Jon? Th-This isn't the way home.

Jon Arbuckle:
We're going to the vet, Garfield. [as Garfield shoves more groceries into Jon's face, we see Jon driving crazily in the next shot and bumping into the sidewalk repeatedly as he yells]

Garfield:
[singing] Do the mashed potato, do the candied yam, do the funky turkey 'cause it's time to jam. If you don't wanna dance, baby, that's all right, do some non-stop shopping, to work up an appetite. Make your Thanksgiving one whole meal, 'cause the more you eat, the more grateful you are gonna fee-eeeeeeeeeeeeel.

Garfield:
Thanksgiving... humbug. What good is it if you're on a diet? [Goes to the stove counter and coats the vegetables with garlic powder sneakily] Huh, if I can't enjoy Thanksgiving, nobody will.

Garfield:
[after Liz permits him to skip his diet and start him on mild exercise] I'm free, I'm free, I can eat! Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Oh, no!

Jon Arbuckle:
[it's Thanksgiving morning and the second day of Garfield's diet]

[cheerful]

Jon Arbuckle:
Good morning, Garfield. Sleep well?

Jon Arbuckle:
[Garfield hisses with claws drawn, but Jon lowers his arm] Well, aren't we nasty today? Save your energy, Garfield; nothing you do can spoil my good mood. It's Thanksgiving, and I have a dinner date with my dream girl. Which reminds me, she'll be here in about - three hours, so I'd better get the old turkey outta the freezer!

Grandma:
How's my favorite kitty cat today?

Garfield:
Better now that you're here, Grandma.

Grandma:
Aw, you're looking a little thin. Isn't that grandson of mine feeding you?

Garfield:
Grandma, I love you. Don't ever leave us.

Garfield:
Hey Jon, another frozen dinner.

Jon Arbuckle:
Everything's ruined, Garfield. What can I do? I'm doomed. Liz will never speak to me again.

Jon Arbuckle:
[Garfield drags out a phone] Very funny, Garfield. I can't feed Liz this.

Garfield:
Jon, you nitwit!

Jon Arbuckle:
[Garfield brings out a purple sweater] I'm not cold, Garfield; why did you drag out the sweater Grandma made for me last Christmas?

Garfield:
Last chance!

Jon Arbuckle:
Interestingly enough, it was Abraham Lincoln who officially proclaimed the last Thursday of November as Thanksgiving in 1863, you see. Now get this: in Canada, they celebrate Thanksgiving, too, but it's *not* on the fourth Thursday of November. They celebrate it on the second Monday of October. Isn't that wild?

Dr. Liz Wilson:
[yawning] I have no idea.

Dr. Liz Wilson:
That was a *wonderful* meal. Thanks for inviting me, Jon.

Jon Arbuckle:
Same time next year?

Dr. Liz Wilson:
Mm-hmm, that'd be nice. I'll be here before the meal, but after the history lesson.

Jon Arbuckle:
[seeing Garfield and Odie sitting on the couch lazily] Well, it was a great day! And judging by the looks of you two and your bellies, I'd say you had a great day, too. You know one thing I'm thankful for today?

Jon Arbuckle, Garfield:
Grandma! [Odie barks]

Jon Arbuckle:
Let's take a little walk and try to work off some of this food, boys.

Grandma:
Ever had Grandma's famous turkey croquettes, Garfield? Nothin' finer.

Garfield:
Go, Grandma, go!

Grandma:
How about some sweet potatoes? [Garfield blows a raspberry] Oh now, come on, Garfield! You've never had Grandma's sweet potatoes.

Garfield:
This is true.

Grandma:
A cup of butter, a cup of brown sugar, and some marshmallows!

Garfield:
Starting to like 'em already!

[last lines]

Garfield:
All right, Odie, Gimme ten! [Odie barks and stands like at attention] And wipe that stupid smile off your face! [Odies does so] Come on, soldier, I said down and ten! [Odie gets down and does push-ups] And one-and-two, and one-and-two! Are we having fun yet? One-and-two, and one-and-two!

Garfield:
Well, I might as well see how the ole diet's going. [steps on his scale]

RX2:
Hello, I'm RX2, your talking scale. I can tell you your weight, your fortune, or just about anything else you would like to know.

Garfield:
Okay, smarty pants, what's my name?

RX2:
Judging by your weight, you are Orson Welles.

Garfield:
Great, her voice chip with a cruel streak.

RX2:
May I have your autograph, please?

Garfield:
Oh, shut up. Why is everybody picking on me, and what's wrong with being large-boned, anyway?

RX2:
I've seen all your movies.

Garfield:
Hey, how would you like to have your battery removed?

RX2:
I wouldn't like that, Mr. Welles.

Garfield:
It's not like I'm all that overweight; I can still see my feet.

RX2:
I've seen "Citizen Kane" eight times.

Garfield:
All right, that's it, you're history! [stamps the scale repeatedly till it breaks, then dashes away as his scale beeps]

RX2:
[drones] Rosebuuuuuuud...