Garfield: The Movie

Nermal:
Why would he do a thing like that?

Garfield:
Gee, I don't know, Nermal.

Nermal:
It just seems like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.

Garfield:
Can we drop it? I mean, it's no BIG deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.

Nermal:
A bug?

Garfield:
A dimwitted, smelly, goofy, splattered bug that I will deal with appropriately and enthusiastically.

Garfield:
Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up! You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here now. Just wake up. You've got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary care-giver!

Jon:
(still asleep) Not now, Garfield.

Luca:
You're on the wrong side of the street, fat cat. Beat it!

Garfield:
And you, Luca, the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Luca:
Okay, that's it. You're gonna get it good today.

Garfield:
I make a point to get it good every day. The real question, Luca, is how shall I outwit you this time?

Luca:
What?

Garfield:
Shall I baffle you with simple math?

Luca:
I know how to spell.

Garfield:
Or should I distract you with something shiny?

Luca:
Now you're making fun of me.

Garfield:
I hope so. You're no fun to look at.

Luca:
You'll never get the best of me! Aaah!

Garfield:
I think I just did.

Luca:
Not the ducks again!

Garfield:
Jump back! And kiss myself. Oooh!

Luca:
If I ever get off this chain, you're goin' down.

Garfield:
Everybody back up! I don't know how wild this thing is gonna get. I love the smell of cinnamon-apple in the morning. It smells like... victory.

Luca:
Oooh! I hate this fat cat.

Garfield:
[feel relaxed] Aah. So much time and so little I need to do. [Just a chubby little mouse appears when Jon spots it]

Jon:
Mouse! [Garfield spots also]

Garfield:
No thanks, I'm full.

Garfield:
[feel relaxed at home] Oh, do I feel good this morning. I slept like a fat CAT. Hey, tall dark and human, what's for breakfast?

Jon:
[looking for Odie, concerned] Odie! Where are you boy?

Garfield:
Relax, I think he was gonna camp out.

Jon:
Odie?

Garfield:
Well, he probably had a sleepover at Luca's, I think.

Jon:
Odie! Odie?

Garfield:
Well, maybe he's fetching the paper for the neighbors. Where is that silly dog?

Garfield:
Oh...delicious!

Arlene:
Poor Odie. That cat is such a pig!

Nermal:
Garfield's a pig?

Arlene:
You never put the dog out at night.

Nermal:
Why not?

Arlene:
Because dogs...run away.

Happy Chapman:
Any sign from the network yet?

Wendell:
No, but they're looking for a dog act on Good Day New York.

Happy Chapman:
Dog act?! Story of my life: Looking for a dog and I'm stuck with a cat!

Wendell:
I thought the segment went quite well!

Happy Chapman:
(mockingly) "I thought the segment went quite well!" Of course it went well, you TOAD! The fifty housewives who saw it, loved it.

Garfield:
You just can't do this, Jon. He's trying to tear us apart. Don't you see that? You know me, I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. I was provoked, pushed, prodded, driven mad. You can't kick me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal! Oh come on Jon, Jon. You know I'm scared in the dark.

Luca:
Hey! What are you lookin' at?

Garfield:
Nothing, just looking for some company.

Nermal:
Keep walking, creepo.

Garfield:
What's going on?

Arlene:
We know how much you hated Odie. We know how much you wanted him gone!

Garfield:
Wait a minute. All I wanted was to sleep in "My Own" bed!

Arlene:
And to do it, you cast Odie out into the cold, cruel world?!

Nermal:
We saw how you locked Odie outside last night!

Garfield:
Oh! I don't believe you guys, I didn't know he was gonna run away. He's a DUMB DOG! No, offense, Luca?

Luca:
Uh, what?

Garfield:
You can't blame me for that.

Nermal:
Any one of us could be next.

Arlene:
Yeah. There's no room for anybody else in Garfield's world.

Garfield:
Huh? Oh, that's a little dramatic.

Jon:
It's liver-flavored.

Garfield:
(sarcastically) Mmm, delicious...yuck! (when Jon comes back with a fork he does not notice that Garfield has taken his hash-browns and has put his own bowl of cat-food where Jon left his own breakfast; Jon accidentally takes a bite of the cat food)

Jon:
AGH!! Oh, LIVER...!! (he runs to the sink and vomits)

Garfield:
(smugly) Actually, it's liver-flavored.

Arlene:
Garfield, are you all right?

Garfield:
I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.

Arlene:
If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.

Nermal:
Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!

Garfield:
Thanks a lot, partner.

Louis:
Oh, yeah. Hold up, G!

Garfield:
[surprised] What?

Louis:
Watch out for the popo! You know, 5-o? Controlo?

Garfield:
[still surprised] Huh?

Louis:
[start to crazy] Animal control, man!

Garfield:
Oh, that popo!

Garfield:
Louis! What are you doing in the house, when Jon's home?

Louis:
Sorry, Garfield. Man, I couldn't help it!

Garfield:
Look, when he sees you he expects more from me. Don't you get that?

Louis:
Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies! I'm trying to maintain. You understand?

Garfield:
Sure, as long as you understand that I have to eat you. [Louis moans]

Happy Chapman:
(arrogantly) I can't go on like this anymore, Wendell. I've got to get a dog.

Wendell:
Well I think that is a lovely idea! I know you've been sad and lonely since the divorce, and I've tried to be a friend...

Happy Chapman:
Not for me, you imbecile! For the act! If I could get my hands on a really talented dog, wouldn't Walter J. just choke on his Emmy?

Wendell:
(sees something) Like Odie?

Happy Chapman:
Yeah, yeah. Now he was good. He was kind of dopey-looking and spry and--

Wendell:
(sees the LOST poster) Lost? (sees Odie on the poster)

Happy Chapman:
Huh? (Chapman comes over to the window to see the lost poster; His eyes widen upon recognizing the dog)

Happy Chapman:
I believe you found my dog. He answers to "Odie".

Mrs. Baker:
Odie?

Happy Chapman:
Family name. Oh, Odie! Oh, come on! There you are! Yes! I can live again now. How could I ever repay you?

Mrs. Baker:
An autograph would be splendid!

Happy Chapman:
Then splendid it shall be.

[Jon is in his office downstairs in his house, working on his computer. Garfield is sitting on the desk]

Garfield:
[feel relaxed] Aah. So much time and so little I need to do. [Just a chubby little mouse appears when Jon spots it]

Jon:
Mouse! [Garfield also spots]

Garfield:
No thanks, I'm full.

Jon:
Get him, Garfield!

Garfield:
Get him, Jon. [While jon is chaseing the mouse] Oh, there's always gotta be smashing and crashing. Nobody poisons anymore. There's my ball!

Jon:
What good is a cat that can't chase a mouse?

Garfield:
I don't do the chase thing. All right, I'll handle this. I know you don't hear me, but can't you just listen?

Garfield:
Another day ruined. Oh, you little suck-up! Oh! No! Down! Down, dumb dog! What part of no don't you understand? The push off the chair? OFF! I don't want to play. Oh, look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca. Now, get off!

Garfield:
Hey, moondust, if I were you, I'd grab a nice piece of carpet. Jon doesn't let me sleep up top. Ever.

Jon:
[sighs] Odie, you wanna sleep in the bed? Okay.

Garfield:
Wha...?

Jon:
Hey, buddy. Good boy. Who's a good boy, huh? You want to sleep on the bed tonight? [in high voice as if pretending to make Odie talk] Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Garfield:
I think I'm going to blow Cat-Chow Chunks.

Jon:
Good night, Odie. Good night, Garfield.

Garfield:
Great. Wish me luck with the nightmares.

Jon:
Okay, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What... What am I gonna do? I've waited for this night my entire life.

Garfield:
If you tell her the truth, you'll feel much better. And you won't have to see her anymore. It's kinda creepy having a vet around the house, anyway.

Jon:
I can't just go out and pretend like nothing's happened, can I?

Garfield:
Well, I sure could. The one thing you can't do is tell her the dog's gone.

Jon:
I gotta tell her.

Garfield:
No.

Jon:
I've gotta tell her.

Garfield:
No! That's not what I said! Schmuck.

Garfield:
You know... I think I had a nightmare like this once. [screams as he falls into a lasagna truck, then crashes, causing empty boxes to go flying] Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle... of lasagna.

Garfield:
Why? Why has this happened? I was the one. It was all about me, not about some stupid, snivelling, smelly-- high-maintenance, disco dog! [gets enraged and kicks the ball into a standard lamp] Oh, no.

[Mrs. Baker answers the door to Jon and Liz]

Jon:
Hi. I'm Jon Arbuckle.

Liz:
Hi.

Jon:
Uh, I think you have my dog, Odie.

Mrs. Baker:
Oh, I think you're mistaken.

Jon:
No, I saw the flier. Odie is my dog.

Mrs. Baker:
No, he is Happy Chapman's dog.

Jon:
[confused] Happy Chapman?

[Mrs. Baker holds up a hand as if to say, "Hold on a sec."]

Jon:
[as he and Liz look at each other] What?

Mrs. Baker:
[holding an autographed picture of Happy] The gentleman with the cat on Channel 37. He came, and took Odie home. Odie is the family name, you know?

[Jon and Liz look at each other again]

Mrs. Baker:
Well, uh… Good day.

Jon:
W-wait, wait!

[Mrs. Baker shuts the door anyway. Jon and Liz turn away in shock]

Jon:
Happy Chapman took Odie? Do you think that he has got Garfield, too?

Liz:
I-I don't know, but we're gonna find out. [she and Jon walk away]

Dog:
All right, boys! DOG PILE! Hit him low! Hit him high!

Garfield:
Thanks, boys. The home team will take it from here. Better split before Animal Control gets here.

[Nermal and Arlene are watching TV]

Walter J. Chapman:
This is Walter J. Chapman with breaking news from the Midwest. Abby Shields reporting. What did you got for me, Abby?

Abby Shields:
The details are sketchy, but it appears that a deranged man may be the cause of all of the trouble here.

Nermal:
A deranged man? What's this?

[Two police officers take Happy to a police car]

Abby Shields:
In fact, police are bringing the suspect out as we speak.

Walter J. Chapman:
Aaahh! Good grief. It's my idiot brother. [makes a "Cut" gesture]

Nermal:
Hey! It's Happy Chapman. He's going for a ride in a police car.

Garfield:
No. Down. Down dumb dog.

Garfield:
Canines, felines and "vermines", it's showtime!