Get Smart's Bruce and Lloyd Out of Control

Bruce:
Great party last night. Way better than last year's.

Lloyd:
Well yeah. No one vomited in the centrifuge.

Bruce:
Yeah, that was a lot of paper towels.

Bruce:
Why's that door always broken?

Lloyd:
Why is our main elevator a telephone booth?

Bruce:
Good point.

Lloyd:
Give it!

Howard:
Give what?

Lloyd:
Oh, you know what! Don't push me!

Bob:
Well hold up, big man. It'd be a shame if we were forced to kick your asses in public.

Bruce:
No, what would be a shame is if someone dropped nanorobots in your coffee, got lodged in your colon, and gave you thirty years of diarrhea.

Lloyd:
We're gonna have to break into the embassy ourselves, which we're gonna suck at, and then they're gonna arrest us, they're gonna kill us, and then they're gonna torture us!

Bruce:
You're being ridiculous! After they kill us they can't torture us. The worst they could do is desecrate our bodies.

Howard:
You have no ethics at all, do you, Bob?

Bob:
We're the good guys: CIA. When we do something, that makes it ethical.

Underchief:
If I have to come down here one more time, it's going to be with a bullwhip and a hockey mask. *Comprende*?

Lloyd:
Are you telling me that a multi-billion-dollar emerging technology for altering the very laws of physics can be defeated by a pair of cheap sunglasses?

Bruce:
They're not cheap. They're Oakleys.

Underchief:
There's an old Navy expression: if I go down, you go down on me!

Underchief:
Good lord. We're in the spy business. Lie better!

Underchief:
Helena Bonham Carter! Was there unauthorized revelry in here?

Lloyd:
How does a guy like that get to become president anyway?

Isabelle:
The usual way. Bribery, murder, and a free election sponsored by the United States. Oh, and followed by a bloodbath and a complete suppression of human rights.

Isabelle:
Impaled by a stuffed elk head, in my country that is the most shameful way to die.

Nina:
In many actually.

Lloyd:
Let them go, I'm the one you want.

Bruce:
No I am, I'm the brains, I went to MIT.

Lloyd:
You know what? He did, take him.

Bruce:
What's the combination?

Isabelle:
I don't know, you're spies, you figure it out.

Bruce:
What's his birthday?

Isabelle:
November 12th 1956 of course. [Bruce stares at her oddly] It is a national holiday! [Nina stares at her oddly] Because he is an egoistic a**hole! Why?

Lloyd:
Works 90% of the time, people are idiots, random numbers hello?

Lloyd:
[Referring to the Maraguayan president] What a jerk.

Isabelle:
True that.

Nina:
If we don't get out of here the Maraguayans are going to shoot us!

Lloyd:
If we don't find the OCT the underchief is going to destroy our lives!

Bruce:
I'd rather be shot.

Lloyd:
I got honey!

El Presidente:
[referring to prisoner] No, I will shoot him. Or someone who works for me will shot him. Either way, there will be a shooting.

Lloyd:
[Bruce phones him] What?

Bruce:
Why haven't you talked to her yet?

Lloyd:
How do you know I haven't?

Bruce:
Because I'm watching you, street cameras hello? What is taking you so long? The Maraguaya president is leaving in two days, we have to get the OCT back before then. Man up!

Lloyd:
Maybe I'd have more confidence if I was wearing one of your nipple shirts.

Bruce:
I'm hanging up now.

Judy:
[after Lloyd asks for her advice to ensnare a female target] Give her flowers.

Lloyd:
That's it?

Judy:
And don't talk.

Lloyd:
Even when I give her the flowers? Because I think if I don't say anything that might be a little awkward.

Judy:
I mean to me.

Lloyd:
Where are your glasses? What are you wearing?

Bruce:
It's Italian! Nina likes it.

Lloyd:
I can see your nipples.

Bruce:
No one asked you to look.

Lloyd:
Well, he may not be a 100% ready, but we've got no other choice.

Bruce:
Okay, we're powered up.

Bruce:
Send in the Hyme. [pause, Bruce looks at him funny] That's what he's called.

Underchief:
We can't have a hostile dictator wandering around Washington, DC invisible. He might sell us to KAOS... or France.

[Lloyd is running through the Maragyuan embassy when his phone rings. He ducks into a storage closet to answer it]

Lloyd:
Bruce, what?

Agent 99:
[In Russia, annoyed] What exactly did I do to tick you off so much, Bruce?

Lloyd:
This isn't Bruce, it's Lloyd.

Agent 99:
Whatever!

Lloyd:
Listen, I'm kind of busy right now...

Agent 99:
Oh, oh, hey hey! I am out here in Podunk, Russia trying to save the free world, and everytime I turn around Max is pulling out some new gadget that I don't have!

Lloyd:
I REALLY need to go...

Agent 99:
Geiger-counter watch! Mini blow-gun with... some kind of lizard-foot poison dart which he doesn't even know how to use. And what do I get? Exploding dental floss!

Lloyd:
I'm kind of busy!

Agent 99:
That's two-year old technology! I mean, did I not remember you at Christmas? Because everyone else seemed pretty happy with the goddamn fudge!

Lloyd:
[Incredulous] What?

Agent 99:
[Dangerously] We ARE going to have words when I get back. Count on it, Bruce!

Lloyd:
[Snapping] It's Lloyd!

[Agent 99 hangs up]

Lloyd:
I hate that!