Get Smart

Ivan Buttinoff:
[on casino payphone] Hello, hello, you must help me, my life is in danger.

Trudy:
[rushes into the Chief's office] Mr. Smart, there's a man on the phone who says his wife is a stranger.

Zach Smart:
Dad, the man who made that call last night was found murdered. His name was Ivan Buttinoff.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Good work. How did you find out?

Zach Smart:
Deductive reasoning, a fanatical devotion to my craft and it was on the news last night.

Agent 66:
Hi Mrs. Smart.

99:
Please, you make me feel like a hundred. Call me 99.

Agent 66:
Mr. Valentino, I never forget a rich, powerful man once I've laid... eyes on him.

Zach Smart:
[hands some chips to female casino worker] Make yourself a brunette. I like brunettes.

Zach Smart:
Great disguise, 0.

Agent 0:
[disguised as a little old lady] Yeah, but look at these crowsfeet. I was going for weathered and bitter. These don't say weathered and bitter.

Zach Smart:
No, really 0, when I first saw you I said: Now there's a weathered and bitter person.

Zach Smart:
This gambling thing is risky...

Agent 66:
You were supposed to flash the cash, not lose the cash. Didn't you see me shaking my head?

Zach Smart:
You shake things all the time, suddenly it has significance?

Agent 66:
What I shake on my spare time has nothing to do with you. This shaking was work related.

Agent 0:
[disguised as Robert Goulet] I am not Robert Goulet, Chief, this is me, Agent 0.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Agent 0? That's a brilliant disguise. [beckons him closer] Next time, try and learn the words, huh?

Zach Smart:
How'd you do it?

Agent 66:
I can make any man do anything at anytime.

Zach Smart:
Oh, I doubt that.

Agent 66:
Oh yeah? I just made you think of... [whispers something in his ear]

Zach Smart:
Oh, you're good!

Carlo Monte:
Ready to dive in, Mr. Pharbin?

Zach Smart:
Like a fat man at a cheese festival.

Agent 66:
Zach, there's nobody around. You don't need a gun.

Zach Smart:
This is not a gun, it's a flash light. [turns it on by pulling the trigger]

Zach Smart:
My flashlight [pulls out flashlight] is a gun.

Zach Smart:
Those lab boys have way too much time on thier hands.

99:
Where did you seat Bishop Tutu?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Eh, Tutu is at 3.3.

99:
You can't put Tutu at 3.3.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Why not?

99:
For one, Tutu is at sixes and sevens with King Lazlo the 8th.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Ok, 99, I'll eighty-six Tutu from 3.3 and put him in 4.4.

99:
That's ten times better.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
[Trudy runs in, notepad in hand] Oh, Trudy, I want you to make sure that the bomb-sniffing dogs have swept the embassy before the reception tonight.

99:
Then clear the kitchen entrance for the arrival of President Mazabuka's limousine.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
And make sure that the catering people are checked for security.

99:
And have a helicopter standing by ready for any emergency that might arise.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Have you got that, Trudy?

Trudy:
Of course I do. Make sure President Mazabuka has swept the kitchen, have the catering people sniff the dogs in the embassy and drive the limousine into the helicopter. Oh, and something about a bomb.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
[holds up his hands] Missed it by... [widens gap between hands]... that much.

Agent 66:
Who are you?

the Brain:
I'm called the Brain. I used to be called Brian, I changed a couple o' letters around.

Agent 66:
The Brain. Why can't KAOS ever hire people called 'The Stud' or 'The Billionaire'

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Hm. No little meatballs. The Reagans always had meatballs.

the Brain:
Try the fish, it's... brain food.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Really? Well if that fish is so smart, what's he doing on the plate? [moves of]

the Brain:
[dripping with sarcasm] Brilliant philosophical observation. I may have met my match...

Zach Smart:
Uncle Agent 13? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Florida.

Agent 13:
[hiding in a bowl of coleslaw] I'm doing a favor for your old man. Listen: I overheard two guys talking about killing President Mazabuka.

Agent 66:
What did they look like?

Agent 13:
Well, I couldn't see, I had coleslaw in my eyes. They used too much mayonnaise.

the Kaos Chairwoman:
[on phone] How are things proceeding, Brain?

the Brain:
[on celular phone] I have entered phase six of the operation.

the Kaos Chairwoman:
Phase six? I understood there were only two phases.

the Brain:
There were, but it wasn't complex enough for my abnormally large brain, so I added twelve new phases.

the Brain:
I knew I should have had more phases!

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Who could be controlling her mind?

Zach Smart:
The Brain.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
That's a given, son.

Zach Smart:
No, the KAOS scientist 'the Brain'.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Ah, the Brain, of course, we should should try and steal him. Just think what we could do if we only had a Brain.

Agent 66:
KAOS always did have a better healthcare than us.

Zach Smart:
Yeah, that's for sure. It's ridiculous having to wait two months for minor surgery.

Agent 66:
[flicks out a pocketknife] Say the word and I'll have that bullet out of your butt in three seconds.

Zach Smart:
Or next time, you could just watch where you're shooting.

Zach Smart:
You speak Swedish?

Agent 66:
Doesn't everybody?

Agent 66:
Good luck, Zach.

Zach Smart:
Luck, 66? Luck is the illegitimate child of skill and ability. [knocks over an orderly carrying a full chamber pot]

Scrum:
[after knocking out 66 who was talking on her bra-phone] Swedish? my big hairy butt!

Dr. Mendelsohn:
[over intercom] This is Dr. Mendelsohn. Nobody leaves this hospital alive! Patients, ignore that.

Agent 66:
Bad news, Chief. We intercepted a transmission and KAOS just contacted a well known assasin: the Turtle.

Zach Smart:
The Turtle?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Ah, yes. The Turtle!

Zach Smart:
You've heard of him?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Of course. Vicious, cold blooded. No wait a minute, that was the Poodle. Run over about four years ago chasing a car.

Agent 66:
He's called the Turtle because he's very illusive. He only comes out to kill.

Zach Smart:
How do you know so much about him?

Agent 66:
I dated his brother Leo.

Agent 66:
Maybe our information was wrong.

Zach Smart:
I sure hope so, 'cause if my mom get's assassinated, that would really ruin Christmas.

Agent 9:
Can you help me with my homework later, I got a math test tomorrow and these fractures are killing me.

Zach Smart:
Don't sweat it, Agent 9, three quarters of Americans don't understand fractions, the other half doesn't give a damn.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
[on speakerphone in office] But don't worry, son, at this very moment, a squadron of airforce jets is ready to bring your plane in safely.

Zach Smart:
[in pilots seat in cockpit] I don't see them.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Eh... would you believe two navy helicopters?

Zach Smart:
No, I don't see them either.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
How about sailor in a blimp waving a flashlight?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Ok, Zach, you're problems are over. Carl the Control Contoller is here with his porta-control controller. What kind of a name is that?

Carl the Control Controller:
Well, my father was named Carl, his father was named Carl, I have a sister named Carla. Then there's my uncle...

New KAOS leader:
Ladies and gentleman, thank you for flying in. We may have lost the cold war, but we will win the next one. The goal of the new KAOS: total world economic domination.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
But 99, I never get to see you anymore. You're always outta town. On my birthday, New Years Eve, on our anniversary, you went to Norway to give an award to some figure skater.

99:
I asked you to come along.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Oh, come on, 99, you know there's a price on my head in Norway. [leans on chair with wheels, falls over and gets up again] Or was that Pittsburgh? I gotta get that right before I go on vacation.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Come on, 99, the boy is ready for action.

Zach Smart:
Like a thirsty zebra!

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Hear that? Like a thirsty... What does that mean?

99:
Zach, do you realize what you'd be getting in to? Living everyday under cover, your life in constant danger, suffering painful torture at the hands of vicious, ruthless people...

Zach Smart, Chief Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it

Chief Maxwell Smart:
I've got a mission for ya, 66. Have you ever done any modeling?

Agent 66:
Would'a be waste of grade 'A' meat if I hadn't.

Agen 0:
[disguised as cocktail waitress] So many different disguises, different identities, I don't know who I am.

Zach Smart:
Did you find out who's working for KAOS?

Agen 0:
Some days a man, some days a woman, half the time I forget where to shave.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
You eat danger for breakfast?

Zach Smart:
Would you believe lunch?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Don't do that.

Agent 66:
He's a Control agent. Get rid of him.

Zach Smart:
[being dragged away by two security guards] Yeah, what a waste of a body. You could have used that body for the forces of good!

Agent 66:
[to Zach] You're orange. I hate orange.

Zach Smart:
Zero, is that you?

Agent 0:
Yeah. Although it is difficult finding neck hair at such short notice.

Larz:
You impotent little rodents have not heard the last from Larz.

Zach Smart:
We just had a whole mission together and I don't even know your real name.

Agent 66:
It's tattooed somewhere on my body. Since we're partners, I might just let you look for it. [blows him a kiss]

Agent 66:
[to Zach] Try not being orange when I get back.

Zach Smart:
Why would KAOS buy a record company and then kill the only artist?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
After hearing his records, I'm surprised that he lived as long as he did.

Agent 66:
The bigger question is: what is KAOs doing in the music business?

Zach Smart:
I'm sorry, why is your question bigger than mine?

Zach Smart:
I'm wearing Control piano-hands. Completely undetectable. They contain digitally activated neuro-switches that can play everything from Abba to Zappa. I just get to have them back in time for Agent 29's bachelor party.

Georgio:
Look doll, you sign with us, you're gonna make millions.You'll be the next Madonna, but without the disgusting stuff. And I mean that.

Zach Smart:
These CDs are bogus.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
You're telling me, since my phonograph broke, I've got 400 records and nothing to play them on.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Too bad, all of this could have been avoided, if he had only used his record company for niceness instead of evil.

Agent 66:
[to KAOS captor] If I could get my hands out of this cheap KAOS cement, I'd wrap those gold chains around your throat and use you for a yo-yo.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
When you've dealt KAOS as long as I have, you know that it's the old sniper in the catwalk trick or the old gunman in the crate [waves gun towards crate, it accidentally fires]... sometimes both.

Zach Smart:
66, the only risk Jessica poses is being too adorable.

Agent 9:
[66 is spying on Zach and Jessica through binoculars] Now what are they doing?

Agent 66:
Well, she's tying him to the bed.

Agent 9:
Let me see, let me see!

Agent 66:
No way, Agent 9, not until you're Agent 18.

Siegfried:
Come on, you're father must have told you all about me. For 30 years I was his wurst nightmare.

Zach Smart:
You're my mother's cousin Harvey?

Agent 66:
I'd better call the Chief. Oh, damn. I don't have my bra-phone.

Agent 9:
I'm still waiting for my training-bra-phone.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Siegfried, how did you get this number?

Siegfried:
I'm on your kid's schneaker-phone.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Zach's schnearker - sneaker-phone?

Siegfried:
Ah, it's so great to be evil again!

Gretchen:
[to Zach] You're just like my father. He lied to me the whole time I am growing up. He told me that he was a doctor on a cruiseship.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
How is Shtarker?

Siegfried:
Very well. He has this small shoe repair kiosk in the Heidelberg train station. He married a lovely Chinese girl - enough. We are former KAOS, we don't reminisce here!

Siegfried:
Tonight, to exact my revenge, I have a nuclear missile aimed directly at one of your major cities.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Which one?

Siegfried:
The city that contains your greatest minds and most brilliant thinkers.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Hm. Well, at least Washington is safe.

Zach Smart:
You know, except for the kidnapping, the tying up and the luring my father to his death stuff, this hasn't been a bad date.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Give it up, Siegfried, you'll never get away with this.

Siegfried:
Why not?

Chief Maxwell Smart:
Because at this very moment there are 200 naval...

Siegfried:
[interrupting] destroyers are headed this way. I know. Then I say I don't believe it, then you say something else again, then I say I don't believe it again and were right back to where we started.

Chief Maxwell Smart:
And I thought my wife knew me.

Siegfried:
[Max is turning Siegfried's light-up globe which doubles as a remote control for the nuclear missile] Get away from my world!

Chief Maxwell Smart:
It's not your world yet, Siegfried.

Agent 66:
My God. That's a Russian SS B21 nuke with a yield of 20.000 megatons.

Zach Smart:
How do you know that?

Agent 66:
A friend of mine bought two at the Soviet Union garage sale.