Get Your Stuff

Gloria:
[as T.J. reaches for a wine bottle] Hold on, party animal.

T.J.:
It's just wine.

Gloria:
It makes you drunk.

T.J.:
Kids drink in Europe.

Gloria:
They also speak three languages. When you can speak three languages, then we can talk.

Eric:
[embarrassed over having pulled Phil's pants down when the boys arrived] Brian, T.J., I hope you weren't embarrassed by...

Phil:
Oh, that-that won't ever happen again.

Brian:
We've seen a dick before.

T.J.:
Hm, but not that small.

Gloria:
[leaving the boys with Eric and Phil] If you need anything, call me. If you can't get me, call the cops.

Lillian:
How old are you?

T.J.:
Fourteen.

Brian:
He's twelve.

T.J.:
Thirteen.

Brian:
Bullshitter.

T.J.:
F*** you.

Phil:
Let's just show Gloria what good parents we are and then she'll give us what we really want.

Eric:
Two weeks in Tuscany.

Brian:
If we're good, they'll keep us.

T.J.:
Don't you get it? We're too f***in' old!

Gloria:
Now I know why gay men don't make good parents. You want designer everything. Well, I'm sorry. I don't have any Calvin Klein kids.

T.J.:
We're gonna get AIDS.

Gloria:
T.J., that is not true.

T.J.:
They give me the creeps.

Gloria:
T.J., you have a greater risk of abuse in a normal home. For God's sake, your mother's boyfriend burned your arm.

T.J.:
They hate us.

Gloria:
They do not. You've been in twelve homes in ten months.

T.J.:
Yeah, and they're all a**holes.

Eric:
I take commitments very seriously. That's why I never make any.

Phil:
I am not gonna be in the closet in my own house.

T.J.:
I'm not starting another school for one f***ing day.

Eric:
Look, a**hole, there'll be no f***ing swearing in this f***ing house, and you'll f***ing go to school and f***ing learn so you can get a decent f***ing job and stay out of f***ing jail or I'll kick your f***ing ass!

Phil:
[trying to think up a job Cat could do] She's a hooker. That's retail.

Eric:
I thought that was wholesale.

Eric:
We're not foster parents. We're correction officers.

Neal:
[to George] You don't trust me.

Phil:
[unable to keep his own personal problems from influencing this counseling session] Why should he?

Neal:
What?

Phil:
You f*** around. You go away for the weekend with no explanation. Why should he trust you?

Neal:
Because I keep comin' back.

Phil:
Oh, after you had your fun with the other guys, right? You come back to George who's always there for you. George, I think you should take a shot at him. Here, take the gun.

[Neal gasps as Phil pulls out a revolver]

George:
Oh, I don't know.

Neal:
I don't like this!

Phil:
Oh, you think you can f*** around whenever the hell you feel like it, right? Well, your lover has feelings, too. You ought to think about him every once in a while. If he's not gonna shoot you, I am.

George:
Dr. Russell!...

Phil:
Don't you want him to pay?

George:
Well, yes, but...

Phil:
Then back off!

Phil:
Just give her a few days to stabilize. Eric, please. She's coming off more substances than Janis, Jimi and Judy put together.

Party Guest:
What happens when you have gay parents?

Party Guest:
Remember how your parents used to make you go to church? Gay parents make you go to the gym.