Ghost Busters

Gozer:
Are you a god?

Dr Ray Stantz:
No.

Gozer:
Then die.

Winston Zeddemore:
Ray. When someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes.

Roger Grimsby:
Good morning, I'm Roger Grimsby. Today, the entire Eastern Seaboard is alive with talk of incidents of paranormal activity. Alleged ghost sightings and related supernatural occurances have been reported across the entire Tri-State area.

Larry King:
Hi, this is Larry King. The phone-in topic Today: "Ghosts and Ghostbusting." The controversy builds, more sightings are reported, some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators in New York are the cause of it all.

Casey Kasem:
Still making headlines all across the country, the Ghostbusters are at it again. This time, at the fashionable dance club, "The Rose." The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poultergeist, then stayed on to dance the night away with some of the lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance. This is Casey Kasem. Now, on with the countdown.

Joe Franklin:
As they say in TV, I'm sure there's one big question on everybody's mind, and I imagine you are the man to answer that. How is Elvis, and have you seen him lately?

Winston Zeddemore:
Hey, wait a minute. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hold it. Now, are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian God is going to drop in on Central Park West, and start tearing up the city?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Sumerian, not Babylonian.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Yeah. Big difference.

Winston Zeddemore:
No offense, guys, but I've gotta get my own lawyer.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

Mayor:
What do you mean, "biblical"?

Dr Ray Stantz:
What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Exactly.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...

Winston Zeddemore:
The dead rising from the grave.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

Dr Ray Stantz:
You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
I blame myself.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
So do I.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Well, no sense in worrying about it now.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

Dana Barrett:
You know, you don't act like a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
They're usually pretty stiff.

Dana Barrett:
You're more like a game show host.

Dana Barrett:
Are you the Keymaster?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Not that I know of.

Dana Barrett:
Are you the Keymaster?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.

Dr Ray Stantz:
I think we'd better split up.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Good idea.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Yeah... we can do more damage that way.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What do you think, Egon?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it's completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Hey. Does this pole still work?

Dr Ray Stantz:
Wow. This place is great. When can we move in? You gotta try this pole. I'm gonna get my stuff. Hey. We should stay here. Tonight. Sleep here. You know, to try it out.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I think we'll take it.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
We've been going about this all wrong, this Mr. Stay Puft's okay, he's a sailor, he's in New York, we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon... what've you got left?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Sorry, Venkman, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Hee hee. "Get her." That was your whole plan. I like it; it was scientific.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Mother pus bucket.

Dr Ray Stantz:
My parents left me that house. I was born there.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
You're not gonna lose the house, everybody has three mortgages nowadays.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
I feel like the floor of a taxi cab.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
There's something very important I forgot to tell you.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Don't cross the streams.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Why?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
It would be bad.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean "bad"?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Total protonic reversal.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
That's bad. Okay. All right, important safety tip, thanks Egon.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Somebody blows their nose and you want to keep it?

Dr Ray Stantz:
Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
You're right, no human being would stack books like this.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Shh. Listen. Do you smell that?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
24 hours a day, seven days a week. No job is too big, no fee is too big.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Back off man. I'm a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetant?

Librarian Alice:
My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'd call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?

Librarian Alice:
No.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?

Man at Library:
What's has that got to do with it?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
This chick is *toast*.

Janine Melnitz:
You're very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Print is dead.

Janine Melnitz:
Oh, that's very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I'm too intellectual but I think it's a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play raquetball. Do you have any hobbies?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
I collect spores, molds, and fungus.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Well, this is great. If the ionization-rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we can really bust some heads... in a spiritual sense of course.

Dean Yeager:
This university will no longer continue any funding of any kind for your group's activities.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
But the kids love us.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Where do these stairs go?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
They go up.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.

Dana Barrett:
That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What a crime.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
If we're wrong, we go to jail - peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it. But if I'm right, and we can stop this thing, Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck:
They caused an explosion!

Mayor:
Is this true?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Yes it's true.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
This man has no dick.

Walter Peck:
Jeez!

Mayor:
Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!

Walter Peck:
All right, all right, all right!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Well that's what I heard!

Janine Melnitz:
Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?

Winston Zeddemore:
Ah, if there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you say.

Dana Barrett:
Do you want this body?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Is this a trick question?

Winston Zeddemore:
Do you believe in God?

Dr Ray Stantz:
Never met him.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Vinz, you said before you were waiting for a sign. What sign are you waiting for?

Louis:
Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
NOBODY steps on a church in my town.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Have you or your family ever seen a spook, spectre or ghost?

Dr Ray Stantz:
If the answer is "yes," then don't wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals...

Dr Ray Stantz:

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Ghostbusters.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.

Dr Ray Stantz:

Dr. Peter Venkman:
We're ready to believe you.

Winston Zeddemore:
I'm Winston Zeddmore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I've seen sh*t that'll turn you white.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
All right, this chick is TOAST. Okay sticks?

Dr Ray Stantz:

Winston Zeddemore:
PULLED 'EM.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Heat 'em up.

Dr Ray Stantz:

Winston Zeddemore:
SMOKIN'.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Bang 'em hard.

Dr Ray Stantz:

Winston Zeddemore:
READY.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Let's show this prehistoric b*tch how we do things downtown.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
I'm worried, Ray. All my readings point to something big on the horizon.

Winston Zeddemore:
What do you mean, big?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.

Winston Zeddemore:
That's a big Twinkie.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn't have to produce anything! You've never been out of college! You don't know what it's like out there! I've *worked* in the private sector. They expect *results*.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Janine, someone with your qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.

Janine Melnitz:
I've quit better jobs than this.

Janine Melnitz:
Ghostbusters, what do you want?

Janine Melnitz:
Dropping off or picking up?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Ray, pretend for a moment that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.

Dr Ray Stantz:
You never studied.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
He slimed me.

Dr Ray Stantz:
That's great. Actual physical contact. Can you move?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Ray, Ray, come in please.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I feel so funky.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Well, there's something you don't see every day.

Janine Melnitz:
I think it's great that you're looking after that man. You're a real humanitarian.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
I don't think he's human.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Are you okay?

Louis:
Who are you guys?

Dr Ray Stantz:
We're the Ghostbusters.

Louis:
Who does your taxes?

Dr Ray Stantz:
You know, Mr. Tully, you are a most fortunate individual.

Louis:
I know!

Dr Ray Stantz:
You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909!

Louis:
Felt great.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
We'd like to get a sample of your brain tissue.

Louis:
Okay.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Maybe now you'll never slime a guy with a positron collider, huh?

Louis:
It is time. This is the sign.

Janine Melnitz:
It's a sign all right - "Going out of business".

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Egon, your mucus.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
As a friend, I have to tell ya you've finally gone around the bend on this ghost business. You guys have been running your ass off, meetin' and greetin' every schizo in the five boroughs who says he has a paranormal experience. What have you seen?

Dr Ray Stantz:
Of course you forget, Peter. I was present at an undersea, unexplained mass sponge migration.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Ray, the sponges migrated about a foot-and-a-half.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Your girlfriend lives in the corner penthouse... of Spook Central.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and because she sleeps above her covers... *four feet* above her covers. She barks, she drools, she claws!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
This happen to you before?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Huh. First time?

Walter Peck:
Hold it! I want this man arrested! Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act! And this explosion is a direct result of it!

Dr. Egon Spengler:
YOUR MOTHER!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'm gonna take back some of the things I said about you Egon.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
You... You've earned it

Dr. Peter Venkman:
To our first costumer.

Dr Ray Stantz:
To our *first* and *only* costumer.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'm gonna need to draw some petty cash. I should take her out to dinner. We don't wanna lose her.

Dr Ray Stantz:
Uhhh... this magnificent feast here represents the *last* of the petty cash.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Slow down. Chew your food.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...

Male Student:
What are you trying to prove here anyway?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'm studying the effects of negative reinforcement on E.S.P. ability

Male Student:
The effect? I'll tell you what the effect is, it's pissing me off!

Dr Ray Stantz:
I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Nice thinkin', Ray.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
How's the cellblock holding up?

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Not good.

Winston Zeddemore:
Tell him about *the Twinkie*.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
What about *the Twinkie*?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
So, what are we doing today, Zuul?

Dana Barrett:
We must prepare for the coming of Gozer.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Gozer?

Dana Barrett:
The Destructor.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Are we still going out?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'll take Miss Barret back to her apartment and check her out.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I'll go check out Miss Barret's apartment. OK?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Where are we?

Dr. Ray Stantz:
I think we're in the teens somewhere.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
When we get to twenty, tell me. I'm gonna throw up.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
You're gonna endanger us. You're gonna endanger our client. The nice woman who paid us in advance, before she became a dog.

Winston Zeddemore:
I love this town!

Louis:
Boy, the superintendent is going to be pissed.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
So... what do we do?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Would come over here please? That's it, c'mere Francine. What do we do?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
STOP THAT!

Dean Yeager:
Your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, your methods are sloppy, and your conclusions are highly questionable. You are a poor scientist, Dr. Venkman!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice shootin', Tex!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
I think we can get her a guest shot on "Wild Kingdom." I just whacked her up with about 300 cc's of Thorazaine... she's gonna take a little nap now.

Walter Peck:
Shut these off. Shut these all off!

Dr Ray Stantz:
This is a major disgrace. Forget MIT or Stanford now. They wouldn't touch us with a 10-meter cattle prod.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
You're always so concerned about your reputation. Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk!

Dr Ray Stantz:
Do you know how much a patent clerk earns?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
No!

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Somebody saw a cockroach on the third floor.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Bite your head off.

Joe Franklin:
As they say in T.V., I'm sure there's one big question on everybody's mind, and I imagine you are the man to answer that. How is Elvis, and have you seen him lately?

Dan Ackroyd:
Everything was fine until dickies here shut off the containment grid.

Mayor:
Is that true?

Bill Murray:
Yes it's true---that man has no dick.

Dan Ackroyd:
Everything was fine until dickless here shut off the containment grid.

Mayor:
Is that true?

Bill Murray:
Yes it's true---that man has no dick.

Venkman:
Do...

Ray:
Re...

Egon:
Egon! [proceeds to smile at the others]