Ghostbusters II

Peter Venkman:
Hi, Egon. How's school? I bet those science chicks really dig that large cranium of yours, huh?

Egon:
I think they're more interested in my epididymis.

Egon:
Vigo the Carpathian. Born 1505, died 1610.

Peter Venkman:
105 years old, he hung in there, didn't he?

Ray:
He didn't die of old age, either. He was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, streched, disembowled, drawn and quartered.

Peter Venkman:
Ouch.

Winston:
Guess he wasn't too popular at the end, huh?

Egon:
No, not exactly a man of the people. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.

Peter Venkman:
Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?

Ray:
And dig this, there was a prophecy. Just before his head died. His last words were, "Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I'll be back."

Vigo:
On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!

Janosz:
He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

Talk Show Producer:
No respected psychic will come on this show. They all think you're a fraud.

Peter Venkman:
I *am* a fraud!

The Mayor:
Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right.

Peter Venkman:
You know, I have met some dumb blondes in my life, but you take the taco, pal! Only a *Carpathian* would come back to life now and choose New York! Tasty pick, bonehead! If you had brain one in that huge melon on top of your neck, you would be living the sweet life out in Southern California's beautiful San Fernando Valley!

Peter Venkman:
Suck in the guts guys, we're the Ghostbusters.

Egon:
Venkman, get a stool sample.

Peter Venkman:
Business, or personal?

Louis Tully:
Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the audience, I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds. Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time. But I don't blame them. Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.

Egon:
Very good Louis. Short, but pointless.

Dana:
His name is Oscar.

Peter Venkman:
Named after a hot dog, you poor man.

Egon:
I'd like to run some gynecological tests on the mother.

Peter Venkman:
Who wouldn't?

Ray:
Ungrateful little yuppie larva. After everything we did for this city.

Winston:
Yeah, we conjured up a hundred-foot marshmallow man, blew the top three floors off an uptown high-rise, and ended up getting sued by every city, county, and state agency in New York.

Ray:
Yeah... but what a ride.

Dana:
Okay, but after dinner, don't want put any of those old cheap moves on me. It's different now.

Peter Venkman:
Oh, no! I have all NEW cheap moves.

Prosecutor:
So, you're saying that the supernatural is your exclusive province?

Peter Venkman:
Kitten, I think what I'm saying, is that sometimes, sh*t happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call?

Ray:
You mean you never even had a Slinky?

Egon:
We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it.

Milton Angland:
I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year's Eve.

Peter Venkman:
Well, for your sake, I hope you're right.

Elaine:
According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14th, in the year two thousand and sixteen.

Peter Venkman:
Valentine's day. Bummer.

Peter Venkman:
You know, I'm a voter. Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?

Dana:
You're much better than you realize. You don't give yourself enough credit.

Peter Venkman:
I need to hear that kind of stuff. You know, if I had this kind of stuff for like on a 24-hour basis, I could have myself whipped into shape by the end of this century.

Peter Venkman:
Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Winston:
Wonder what?

Peter Venkman:
Whether she's naked under that toga. She *is* French. You know that.

Vigo:
Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back.

Ray:
You think this river of slime has anything to do with this Vigo character?

Egon:
Is the atomic weight of cobalt 58.9?

Egon:
Vigo the Carpathian. Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.

Peter Venkman:
Wasn't he also Vigo the Butch?

Peter Venkman:
Have you been outside lately? Do you know how weird it is out there? We've taken our own head count. There seem to be six million completely miserable a**holes living in the tri-state area.

Hardemeyer:
Oh, please!

Peter Venkman:
Excuse me, six million and one.

Peter Venkman:
Doh!

Ray:
Re!

Egon:
Egon!

Peter Venkman:
Where in the hell are you from anyway, Johnny?

Janosz:
The upper vest side.

Brownstone Boy #2:
My dad says you guys are full of crap.

Ray:
Well, some people have a hard time believing in the paranormal.

Brownstone Boy #2:
Nah, he just said you guys are full of crap and that's why you went out of business.

Janosz:
Soon, the city will be mine and Vigo's... mainly Vigo's.

The Mayor:
I spent an hour in my room last night talking to Fiorella LaGuardia, and he's been dead for forty years. Now where are the the Ghost Busters?

Dock Supervisor:
Well, better late than never.

Ray:
Not so fast Dead Head! You want a baby, why don't you go knock up some willing hellhound! Otherwise I'm giving you three to get back in that painting! One!

Peter Venkman:
Two.

Ray:
It looks like a Jell-O mold.

Winston:
I hate Jell-O.

Peter Venkman:
Oh, come on. There's always room for Jell-O!

Dana:
How is he these days?

Egon:
Peter? Well, he was borderline for a while... then he crossed the border.

Egon:
Let's see what happens when we take away the puppy.

Peter Venkman:
See you next week on "World of the Psychic." Until then, this is Peter Venkman, saying...

Peter Venkman:
Ha ha! See you then.

Peter Venkman:
Uh, perhaps you can help me? I'm looking for a love-potion aerosol, that I can spray on a certain Penthouse Pet, to obtain her total submission.

Egon:
Cozy. My parents didn't believe in toys.

Judge Wexler:
Before we begin this trial, I want to make one thing very clear: the law does not recognize the existence of ghosts, and I don't believe in them either. So I don't want to hear a lot of malarkey about spooks and goblins and demons. We're going to stick to the facts in this case, leave the ghost stories to the kiddies, understood?

Winston:
Wow, sounds like a pretty open-minded guy, huh?

Prosecutor:
Dr. Venkman, would you please tell the court why you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a very big hole in the middle of 1st Avenue?

Peter Venkman:
Well, there are so many holes in 1st Avenue, we really didn't think anyone would notice.

Judge Wexler:
If my hands weren't tied by the unalterable fetters of the law, then I would invoke the tradition of our illustrious forbears, reach back to a purer, sterner justice, and have you BURNED AT THE STAKE!

Judge Wexler:
You got to do something! Help me!

Ray:
Don't talk to me, talk to my attorney.

Louis Tully:
And that's me! My guys are still under a judicial mistrangement order... that blue thing I got from her! They could be exposing themselves!

Peter Venkman:
And you don't want us exposing ourselves!

Janosz:
This is Prince Vigo, the ruler of Carpathia and Moldavia.

Peter Venkman:
Bit of a sissy, isn't he?

Janosz:
He was a very powerful magician, Dr. Venkman. And, a genius in many ways.

Dana:
He was also a lunatic and a genocidal madman. I hate this painting.

Winston:
Wow, that is one ugly dude.

Ray:
You know, I just can't believe things have gotten so bad in this city that there's no way back. I mean, sure, it's messy, it's crowded, it's polluted, and there are people who would just as soon step on your face as look at you. But come on! There's gotta be a few traces of sweet humanity left in this city. We just gotta find a way to mobilize it!

Janosz:
You know, Dana, there are many perks to being the mother of a living god.

Egon:
We're running out of time, Ray, it's almost midnight. Can't you make her go any faster?

Ray:
I'm afraid the vibrations will shake her to pieces. We should have padded her feet.

Egon:
I don't think they make Nikes in her size, Ray.

Peter Venkman:
Hey, she's tough. She's a harbor chick!

Egon:
Ray... we'd like to shoot the monster, could you move, please?

Peter Venkman:
Ray...

Winston:
Ray?

Egon:

Winston:
RAY!

Ray:
NO! I, Ray, am Vigo, and rule the Earth! Begone, you pitiful half-men!

Peter Venkman:
Now!

Janosz:
He is no here.

Peter Venkman:
We know.

Janosz:
Then why are you came?

Peter Venkman:
So, what happened to Mr. Right? I heard he ditched you and went to Europe.

Dana:
He did not ditch me. We had some problems, and he got a very good offer from an orchestra in Europe and he took it.

Peter Venkman:
So he ditched you?

Peter Venkman:
Here's something off the request line from Liberty Island. We're gonna squeeze some New Year's juice from ya, Big Apple!

Louis Tully:
I think you guys are making a big mistake. I do mostly tax law and probate stuff occasionally. I got my law degree at night school.

Ray:
Well, that's fine, Louis. We got arrested at night.

Louis Tully:
Give me a break, we're both lawyers!

Peter Venkman:
Hairless pets. Weird.

[Ray Stantz and Winston Zeddemore show up as children's party entertainers]

Dr. Raymond Stantz and Winston Zeddemore:
[singing] If there's something strange in your neighborhood / who you gonna call?

Kids at party:
He-Man! He-Man!

[Peter Venkman hosts a new episode of his show, World of the Psychic]

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Hi, welcome back to World of the Psychic, I'm Peter Venkman. I'm chatting with my guest, author, lecturer and psychic, Milton Anglund. Milt, your new book is called "The End of the World." Now can you tell us when it's going to be or do we have to buy the book?

Milton Auglund:
Well I predict that the world will end at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve.

Venkman:
This year?

Auglund:
Mm-hmm.

Venkman:
Well that's cutting it a little bit close, isn't it? I mean, just from a sales point of view, I mean your book is just coming out, you're not gonna see any paperback sales for at least a year. It'll be at least another year before you know whether you've got that mini-series or movie of the week kind of possibilities. I mean just Devil's Advocate Milty! I mean shouldn't you have said: Hey the worlds going to end in 1992! Or better yet 1994!

Auglund:
This is not just some money-making scheme! Alright! I have a strong psychic belief that the world will end on New Year's Eve. [begins to cry]

Venkman:
Well, for your sake, I hope you're right. Okay. But I think my other guest may disagree with you. Elaine, now you had another date in mind?

Elaine:
According to my source, the end of the world will be on February 14, in the year 2016.

Venkman:
Valentine's Day. Bummer. Where did you get your date, Elaine?

Elaine:
I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn, I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me. He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and then I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device because he forced me to follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world.

Venkman:
So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus.

Elaine:
It might have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room in the Holiday Inn. I can't be sure about that, Peter.

Venkman:
[to audience] Of course not! And that is the whole problem with aliens; is you just can't trust them. Occasionally you meet a nice one; Starman, E.T., but usually they turn out to be some kind of big lizard. That's all the time we've got for this week on 'World of the Psychic'. Next week though . . . hairless pets. [holds up a hairless cat] Weird. Until then, this is Peter Venkman saying [puts a finger to his temple and sends out a thought to his viewers; laughs] See you then!

[Dr. Venkman on the stand in the courtroom]

Prosecuter:
Dr. Venkman, would you please tell the court why you and your co-defendants took it upon yourselves to dig a very big hole in the middle of 1st Avenue?

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Well, there are so many holes in 1st Avenue, we really didn't think anyone would notice.

[most of the courtroom starts laughing]

Judge Wexler:
[bangs his gavel twice] Keep that up, mister. I'll find you in contempt!

[slime briefly bubbles to Judge Wexler's remark]

[two ghosts in electric chairs are attacking the court room as Judge Wexler admonishes the Ghostbusters over their work on First Avenue]

Judge Wexler:
Oh my god! The Scoleri brothers!

Dr. Raymond Stantz:
Friends of yours?

Judge Wexler:
I tried 'em for murder! Gave 'em the chair! You've gotta do something!

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Why don't you just tell them you don't believe in ghosts?

[the Ghostbusters turn on their proton packs and sing]

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Do.

Dr. Raymond Stanz:
Re.

Dr. Egon Spengler:
Egon. [Venkman and Stantz stare at him and he smiles back]

[the NYPD is hands full receiving calls about the paranormal attacks all over the city, but one call...]

NYPD Officer:
What? Wait a minute.. [to colleague] Lieutenant, you better talk to this guy.

NYPD Lieutenant:
I'm busy here!

NYPD Officer:
It's the dock supervisor down at Pier 34.

NYPD Lieutenant:
What's the problem?

NYPD Officer:
He said the Titanic just arrived.

Pier 34 Supervisor:
[sees the Titanic at the moorings discharging passengers; to colleague] Well, better late than never!

Janosz Poha:
[To Dana Barrett] You will be the mother of the ruler of the world! Doesn't that sound nice?

[Having received multiple reports of paranormal attacks over NYC, the mayor concludes he has no choice but to call the Ghostbusters, unaware that Hardemeyer has sent them to an insane asylum.]

Jack Hardemeyer:
Wait! Uh... Now, I'm sure there's another way.

Mayor:
Jack, I spent an hour last night in my bedroom talking to Fiorello LaGuardia, and he's been dead for forty years! [forceful tone] Now where are the Ghostbusters?

[Having animated the Statue of Liberty with the special ectoplasm, the Ghostbusters pilot it down Manhattan on the way to the museum, with thousands of New Yorkers cheering them on.]

Dr. Egon Spengler:
We're running out of time, Ray, it's almost midnight. Can't you make her go any faster?

Ray Stantz:
I'm afraid the vibrations will shake her to pieces. We should have padded her feet!

Egon:
I don't think they make Nikes in her size, Ray.

Dr. Peter Venkman:
Don't worry, she's tough. She's a harbor chick!

[the statue stomps a police cruiser flat]

Ray:
Sorry, my fault!

[Vigo's awesome power has paralyzed all of the Ghostbusters. He holds Oscar aloft.]

Vigo:
Now we become one.

[Suddenly, singing is heard from outside]

Crowd:
'Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and ne'er brought to mind...'

Dr. Raymond Stanz:
Where's that singing coming from?

Winston Zeddemore:
The people outside!

[Vigo begins to roar in pain]

Crowd:
'If auld aquaintance be forgot, remember Auld Lang Syne!'

[They continue to sing. Vigo roars, his form becoming less tangible]

Dr. Egon Spengler:
He's weakening! The singing is neutralizing the slime!

Stanz:
I can move!

Spengler:
He's back in the painting!