Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Connor Mead:
Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less...

Uncle Wayne:
Whoa, whoa! Never touch a man when he's hanging a wire. [zips up pants]

Connor Mead:
Love is magic comfort food for the weak and uneducated!

Melanie:
There's apple, bubble gum, and Tandoori. I know it sounds gross, but have two of them and you won't feel your face.

Uncle Wayne:
Took her into the coat-check only to find she's got ten pin under her dress.

Connor Mead:
No! Wait... what?

Uncle Wayne:
So here's a couple of tips. When you first meet a girl you give her two compliments above the neck. Yeah, tell her she's got nice lips, nice eyes, nice hair... she's intelligent, her moral ethics, whatever crap comes to your mind. Then just when she begins to thinks that you're another - you know - vanilla nice guy that she can tool around with all night without getting naked...

[hits his hand on bar]

Uncle Wayne:
you *insult* her! Flip the power dynamic and your let her know that you're here to play.

Paul:
These are my groomsmen. Guys, this is my brother Connor.

Groomsman #1:
We've heard the stories, man.

Connor Mead:
Oh, ok.

Groomsman #2:
An *honor* to be serving with you.

Connor Mead:
And with you.

Groomsman #3:
It's mice to neat you. Damn it! I blew it.

Sergeant Volkom:
[making his FOTB wedding reception toast in full military dress uniform] It was cold and dark, and we'd been taking fire for hours. Took an incoming mortar hit. I opened up his jacket, and his insides fell out; and I had his bloody guts in my hand. They were warm and mushy and squishy. And I push them back right into his body cavity, and willed him to live with my tears. And THAT is what true love is... hoo-ah!

Connor Mead:
I am begging you: don't run away. You and Paul have something so rare, so powerful! Don't chicken out now.

Sandra:
"Don't chicken out"? He cheated.

Connor Mead:
Get over it. It was years ago! With some slutty friend of yours! A friend, incidentally, that you're not even mad at. And you know why? Because you don't actually care. You love Paul so much you forgave him the second you heard, and that's what scares you.

Sandra:
You have no idea how I feel. No idea!

Connor Mead:
Yes, I do. I've been in your shoes. You know what? It scared the hell out of me too. What if she hurt me? What if she left me? What if she died? It would have been the end of me. So I cut it short, before she ever could. And you know what? It was the biggest mistake I ever made. And you're making the same mistake right now, and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to sit by and watch. You've got to risk love, Sandra! I didn't and look at me! I'm a lonely ghost of a man. It doesn't mean that you're never going to get hurt, but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love. And from someone who's felt a lot of both, trust me, pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Don't run away. Don't do it.

Sandra:
I can't believe I'm saying this but, uh, I think you might be right.

Connor Mead:
So. Do you want to get married?

Sandra:
I do.

Connor Mead:
You do?

Sandra:
Yes!

Uncle Wayne:
It's all for your own good. And what's not for your own good is for my entertainment.

Vonda Volkom:
Spooning is nice.

Connor Mead:
Yeah. But not as nice as forking.

Bar Twin, Bar Twin:
[Together to Connor] You slept with my sister.

Connor Mead:
[Running down the stairs] Get ready for nuptials!

Sergeant Volkom:
It's not complicated. Our guests are represented by the Allies. Paul, you and your guests are Nazis.

Paul:
I'll try not to read into that, sir.

Sergeant Volkom:
Blue frogmen are non-requisite support personnel. Waiters, photographers, caterers, band members and so forth.

Jenny Perotti:
Oh, Donna, look. You got a grenade launcher.

Donna the Bridesmaid:
Oh, my God, I love grenade launchers. [Jenny looks at Donna and smiles]

Sandra:
Daddy, you're not showing off your seating chart, are you?

Paul:
Ok, he's not that bad.

Connor Mead:
Thank you, Paulie.

Deena the Bridesmaid:
Paul, he hit on your mother-in-law.

Vonda Volkom:
I've banged worse.

Connor Mead:
[All cheer] Thank you, Vonda!

Melanie:
[to the three women who Connor broke up with on a conference call] Don't be sad, you whiny b*tches.

Connor Mead:
I want to ask you something, when did casual sex become a crime?

Vonda Volkom:
[laughs]

Connor Mead:
Really? I mean, now a days being a single means, what? You've lost your way? That something is missing? Never mind that every night I swim in a lake of sex, and they fall asleep in each others arms, spooning.

Vonda Volkom:
Connor, spooning is nice.

Connor Mead:
Yeah, not as nice as forking.