Glamour Model Detectives

[first lines]

Interviewee:
Come in; sit down.

Interviewer:
Thank you for letting me see you, Ms. Santos. I was wondering - are any of your other employees in the office right now?

Interviewee:
No, no, it's just us. Why do you ask?

Interviewer:
How did you get started in this business?

Interviewee:
Well, a couple of years ago, I was dating a private investigator and one night, my then boyfriend took me out to a restaurant and told me he was working on a case.

Interviewer:
Really?

Interviewee:
Yeah, it was nothing dangerous - it was your basic cheating-husband-meeting-girlfriend sort of thing. It-I found the whole thing really exciting and, um, and I knew right there that I wanted to be a private investigator, so I went through the training and, um, and at the time I was working as a model and, um, and I had of lot of model friends and when I told them I was starting the training, they got very interested and so I go this idea of starting an agency of private investigators where all the undercover agents were glamour models.

Missing Person:
Jesus. What's a nice girl like you doing in a piece of crap van like this?

Detective with Straight Blonde Hair:
I borrowed it.

Missing Person:
Well, it's a bad choice for tailing me. It's big, ugly and noisy - and it probably gets lousy gas mileage, too.

Detective with Straight Blonde Hair:
It's not so bad.

Missing Person:
Well, I'm glad you like it, because you're going to be spending some time in it. Put your hands behind your back!

Detective with Straight Blonde Hair:
Look, I don't know who you think I am, but you've got the wrong person.

Missing Person:
Mm-hmm. Well, I've been looking over my shoulder for quite some time now and I know when a two-bit P.I. is tailing me.

Detective with Straight Blonde Hair:
Do I look like a P.I. to you?

Missing Person:
So was it a correspondence course... 'cause you really are lousy at this.

Missing Person:
What is wrong with you? Why do you have all this rope in your van? What was your objective? Let me guess - macram??

Missing Person:
Nice boots. Pleather?

[to her tied-up captive]

Missing Person:
I'm going to have a look around and then I'm going to get out of here. Don't go away.

[reading the detective's credentials]

Missing Person:
Ah, just what I though. Ha! Glamour Model Detectives. Hmmph. Well, as a detective I think you make a pretty good model.

Missing Person:
Well, good luck, Jenni Lee... Master Detective.

Missing Person:
God, should I leave these van doors open or closed? This really isn't a good neighborhood. Hmm, you want them closed? Too bad.

[Alexis snaps a pair of handcuffs on Ariele]

Detective with Curly Blonde Hair:
You have a strange way of greeting your neighbors, I must say.

Missing Person:
Jimmy is lying to you. All that stuff about me embezzling four million dollars - phfft! That arson thing - never happened. He is just lying to make himself up. Oh, and that thing that I stole his Bentley... I did not steal his Bentley. Hell, he gave it to me. All lies... racketeering, my ass.

Missing Person:
I know that even if you Barbie doll detectives give up, he's just going to find someone else, so I must disappear - again!

Missing Person:
Thank you so much for the cookies. Now, don't hurt yourself - eventually someone will find you. But I am going to take all these cookies and eat them for myself. Ha-ha, no cookie for you!

Interviewer:
One last question... are you familiar with the Hester case?

Interviewee:
Um, that's an open investigation. How did you know about that?

Interviewer:
Heh-heh. Mr. Hester hired me to take care of the case.

Interviewee:
What do you mean?

Interviewer:
I'm going to retrieve or destroy all your files on this case.

Interviewee:
Really, I'm sure that there's a way that this can be negotiated so that nobody gets hurt.

[interviewer stuffs a gag into Interviewee's mouth]

Interviewer:
Well, no, I think this way should work pretty well.

[last lines]

Interviewer:
By the way, did you really think there was an American Detective magazine?

[laughs]

Interviewer:
What kind of detective are you?