God's Gift to Women

Diane Churchill:
This is where I want to go when I die.

John Churchill:
You can have my share of it. I'd rather have an alley in Rochester than all the streets in Paris.

Diane Churchill:
Oh, Dad. But, this place is perfectly swell.

John Churchill:
How often have I told you not to say swell?

Diane Churchill:
Sorry, darling. I shan't use it again. But, it is a nice place, don't you think?

John Churchill:
Nothing but a lot of jazz bands, dancing, champagne, whoopee! That's all the French think about.

Toto Duryea:
Darling, I love you. Goddess.

Diane Churchill:
Oh, you!

Toto Duryea:
Yes. Don't be afraid of me.

Diane Churchill:
What are you doing like that? [Toto is dressed in disguise]

Toto Duryea:
Oh, I can't live without you.

Diane Churchill:
Oh, stop, please.

Toto Duryea:
You must believe me.

Diane Churchill:
I'll never believe you again.

Toto Duryea:
Do you suppose I'd masquerade like this if anything in the world mattered but you?

Toto Duryea:
Ah, Bonjour, Monsieur. This is in deed a pleasure to have you here in my home.

John Churchill:
Now, look here, young man. I want you to stop molesting my daughter.

John Churchill:
Oh, now I know all about you.

Toto Duryea:
Oh, really?

John Churchill:
Why, back in Rochester, we only consider your type of a man a lounge lizard. Just a common, ordinary garden variety of boudoir baboon.

Toto Duryea:
Well, I won't deny it.

Dr. Louis Dumont:
If you want to live, you must obey my orders implicitly.

Toto Duryea:
Of course I will, Doctor. I want to follow your orders. You don't think I want my aorta to burst, do you? Give me orders. Give me a lot of orders. Enough to do me a long time.

Dr. Louis Dumont:
First of all, you must avoid all excitement.

Toto Duryea:
Yes sir.

Dr. Louis Dumont:
You must stop drinking entirely.

Toto Duryea:
Not even a glass of wine at dinner?

Dr. Louis Dumont:
Not a drop. But, most important of all, you must give up your career as a great lover.

Toto Duryea:
But, I have given up that career.

Dr. Louis Dumont:
But, you must give up on women entirely.

Toto Duryea:
Oh, there's only one woman in my life, now.

Dr. Louis Dumont:
That's one too many.

Toto Duryea:
What? Why, I couldn't do with less. Did you know that one is next to none at all?

Dr. Louis Dumont:
That's enough to put you in the grave.

Toto Duryea:
Please, please, I've got to get a professional nurse, if you don't mind.

Fifi:
Do you suppose I'd let some strange woman come in here and nurse you back to health, again?

Toto Duryea:
This is a male nurse.

Fifi:
Oh, but men are so awkward. Besides, I'm a wonderful nurse. Didn't I take care of my first husband, until...

Toto Duryea:
Until what?

Fifi:
Until he died in my arms.

Fifi:
There, now be quiet, dear and I'll be back in a jiffy.

Toto Duryea:
Be back in a what?

Fifi:
In a jiffy!

Toto Duryea:
She's coming back in a jiffy, oh...

Toto Duryea:
Florine. Hello, Florine.

Florine:
Hello, darling.

Toto Duryea:
I'm sorry about the medicine, but, you see, it's the doctor's orders.

Florine:
I know, I was so shocked to hear about it.

Toto Duryea:
Oh, shhh... not so loud.

Florine:
I was so shocked to hear about it. I've come to nurse you. Look, I'm all prepared.

Toto Duryea:
That's very nice of you, but, you see, see, Auguste will look after me.

Florine:
I know, but Auguste could never do the intimate little things for you that I will do.

Toto Duryea:
I'll say he wouldn't.

Toto Duryea:
I'm sick, don't bother me.

Dagmar:
I know you are, dear. But, everything be alright. I'll bring you back to your health.

Toto Duryea:
You're not going to do me a bit of good.

Dagmar:
Yes, I will. You stay right here in bed and I'm going to change my clothes. I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Toto Duryea:
Two shakes of who's tail?

Dagmar:
You know, lamb, baaa...

Florine:
Are you feeling better, darling? What's the matter?

Fifi:
Oh! What are you doing here!

Toto Duryea:
That's my night nurse.

Florine:
What are you doing here!

Toto Duryea:
That's my day nurse.

Fifi:
I'll night nurse you!

Auguste, Toto's Butler:
There's a gentlemen downstairs to see you, monsieur.

Toto Duryea:
Who is he?

Auguste, Toto's Butler:
He says he's the husband of one of these ladies.

Florine:
Is he fat?

Fifi:
Is he bald?

Dagmar:
Is he tall?

Auguste, Toto's Butler:
Yes. He's crazy and he has a gun.

Toto Duryea:
Show him in. [Shot fired]

Auguste, Toto's Butler:
He's in.

Diane Churchill:
I have bad news.

Toto Duryea:
What?

Diane Churchill:
Father's taking me back to America, tomorrow.

Toto Duryea:
Oh, I'm desolate, cherie, but, but...

Diane Churchill:
What's the matter?

Toto Duryea:
Well, I'm sorry, you see, but I haven't been feeling well and I'm just a bit nervous. But, after all, that's life, isn't it. Still, it does seem a pity that we couldn't have had one hour of love, together.

Diane Churchill:
We will.

Toto Duryea:
Will we?

Diane Churchill:
I can slip away tonight.

Toto Duryea:
Tonight? Oh, but, your reputation.

Diane Churchill:
Oh, no matter my reputation. You must hold me in your arms. I must feel your kisses on my lips before I go.