God, the Devil and Bob

God:
The Devil and I have a deal: I get them until they're 12, he gets them until they're 20.

God:
Bob, don't air-quote. It only annoys people.

Bob Allman:
You think I'm stupid, huh? You forget - I HAVE SMART FRIENDS!

God:
In the old days, I used to come down here all the time. But issues would always come up, I'd end up smiting people...

The Devil:
I don't know who I *am* anymore! I feel like that guy from Wham! after George Michael left.

Smeck:
What guy?

The Devil:
Exactly!

Bob Allman:
You always say that. You always say there's a crisis in Africa.

God:
That's because there always is a crisis in Africa.

The Devil:
We have work to do my loathsome toad.

Smeck:
Evil work?

The Devil:
No, knitting. Of course evil work!

Bob Allman:
I'm glad so many of you showed up.

Man in crowd:
Where's the free beer?

Bob Allman:
I'm offering you something better: salvation.

Man in crowd:
Is that a kind of beer?

God:
[on the answering machine] Bob? It's me God. Bob? I hate these things. Bob, pick up. Bob don't screen your Maker.

God:
Give it up, you're too late.

The Devil:
It's not fair! It's not fair! It's never an even playing field! I always get the short end! Just for once I'd like to...

God:
Go to hell.

Bob Allman:
I was trying to get a hold of you all day.

God:
You don't call me Bob. It doesn't work that way.

Bob Allman:
Then what's prayer?

God:
Corn nut?

Bob Allman:
Wait. If anyone questions that I have a relationship with God, all I have to do is show them this corn nut as proof.

God:
Yeah, Bob. Show them the corn nut.

Bob Allman:
Excuse me, is this hell?

Man in hell:
[roasting over a fire] You know, I never really asked. But you have to assume.

God:
Oh, here's another idea. A planet covered entirely by water. No land at all, just water.

Bob Allman:
You mean, like that Kevin Costner movie?

God:
I didn't even see that.

The Devil:
I'm tired of being blaed for this hideous modern music. I'm sick of Marilyn Manson trading on my good name. I mean I'm Gershwin guy.

Kevin Bacon:
Hey, chill out, people.

The Devil:
Oh, no. Just when I thought we'd won, it's Kevin Bacon!

Kevin Bacon:
This is not going to solve the problems of this town. First we've got to come together as a community and learn to dance. ["Footloose" by Kenny Loggins begins playing]

Bob Allman:
[the airplane shakes] Are you doing that?

The Devil:
No, no. Turbulence is no good to me - everybody prays.

Megan Allman:
This dog is driving me crazy! She never listens to me! She whines and whines but I don't know what she wants. I bought her a chew toy and she won't even play with it - she's impossible!

Donna Allman:
So, it's like she's spoiled and ungrateful... and you don't know whether to love her or hate her? All you want is some sign she cares and just when you think you've done everything right and you're gonna get that sign, she turns on you?

Megan Allman:
Exactly! Did you have a dog once? What's so funny?

Bob Allman:
Wow! I've got really tiny nipples!

Smeck:
Come on we've had a good week, we got gambling into Salt Lake City the designated hitter into the National League and installed another 700 toddler-sized wells in Oklahoma.