Gray Matters

Gray:
[standing outside a gay bar] I can't do this.

Gordy:
Yes, you can.

Gray:
Why do I have to do this?

Gordy:
Because you're gay and you have to start behaving like it.

Sam:
What are you doing?

Gray:
I want to die right now. I never want to see another human being as long as I live.

Sam:
You're just coming out.

Gray:
I am never coming out of this elevator.

Sam:
This is probably the biggest revelation of your entire life. It's normal to be going nuts. It's normal.

Gray:
I don't feel normal. I'm sick and tired of everyone saying it's normal, it's typical, it's ordinary. I don't feel any of those things.

Sam:
Well how do you feel?

Gray:
Lonely.

Sam:
Why?

Gray:
Because I'm never going to be able to walk down the street, holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us a look. And me never have the wedding that I once dreamed of and I may never have children. And one day when I die people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.

Sam:
Gray, it's not as if you made a choice.

Gray:
That's what terrifies me. It's so much easier to be someone else.

Carrie:
I quit weight watchers. Can you believe it? I quit! Fergie schmergie! I hate fiber. I like mallomars and if Derek isn't going to love me for the tiny amount of cellulite I have on the back of my thighs then f*** him. Screw that guy. This is the package ok? It's exactly the same under the wrapping. This is the packages, no exchanges, no returns. Right? Why does our society push us to be perpetually uncomfortable with who we are. It's so messed up! Wanna know why? [reading from a magazine] " Boost your buttocks and thighs. Luscious Liposuction. Flawless face lifts." That's why. Enough is enough. We need to stop letting society and media and our religious leaders delegate who we are. You're amazing and I'm even more amazing and anybody who doesn't get it can screw themselves... [sigh] That felt fantastic.

Gordy:
I happen to think you're pretty dandy.

Gray:
I have to tell you something and it's not easy. It's really major. I don't know how to say it.

Sam:
Why don't you take three short breaths and...

Gray:
...and one long.

[Gray takes three short and one long]

Gray:
I'm gay!

Sam:
What?

Gray:
As in Marvin.

Sam:
What?

Gray:
As in, take the R out of Gray and BINGO!

Carrie:
She's the best. Strong, independent, feisty.

Gray:
Who are you talking about?

Carrie:
Who else? Queen Oprah. Oprah, Oprah the great. Oprah, I love her. Do you understand that I'm obsessed with her? I think she is so great that she should start her own religion - that's how much I love her. I love her so much that if she and Stedman couldn't have children and needed a little bit of help, I would surrogate a child for them. That's right. I would have Oprah's baby, that's how much I love her.

Gray:
Wauw. That's a lot of love.

Charlie Kelsey:
[to Grey] I spend more money on lingerie then I do on rent.

Gray:
You don't know what it's like. One day you're one thing and the next day you realize you're something else. I feel like I'm Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" and I'm in this new land and I want to go home but something is telling me maybe this is my home. Maybe I shouldn't click my heels three times; maybe I should just stay here and be nauseas with the Munchkins.

[Charlie walks into the suite bathroom, stark naked with only a bucket of ice and a bottle of champagne covering her]

Charlie Kelsey:
Ta-da! I got the champagne... extra bubbly.

Gray:
Oh my God! You didn't answer the door looking like that?

Charlie Kelsey:
Hmmm. No wonder the delivery guy didn't want a tip.

Gray:
What can I say? I am a mess.

Gordy:
You don't look a mess. You look cute as a button. And buttons aren't messy.

Gray:
Well, looks can be deceiving.

Sam:
She's the sun, she's the stars, she's the moon.

Gray:
You don't even know her. She could be an axe murderer for all you know.

Gray:
Oh, no, because I asked her to marry me.

Sam:
What?

Gray:
[to Charlie] Please tell me you don't wear stuff like that everyday.

Charlie Kelsey:
[to Gray] I can't get too drunk though, I am getting married in the morning.

Sam:
[to Gray] Just because you're gay and totally in love with my wife doesn't mean we can't work things out.

Gray:
It's like this. For years I thought I was content being single and I wasn't really interested in a relationship. I thought that when Mr. Right came into my life, he just would, he- he wouldn't need some fancy invitation, he would just arrive. And then I realized that it's not Mr. Right I'm waiting for. It's Mrs. Right. And I think I found her. And I kissed her... and I think she kissed me back! But I'm not sure because I've never kissed a girl before and I'm not sure what the rules are, but I know that I liked it! And I think I like her! Now I feel nauseous again...

Dr. Sydney:
I think we need to talk on level ground. You're not thinking straight.

Gray:
No kidding...