Grudge Match

[from trailer]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
I wanted to see my old friend, he's been ducking me for thirty years! I missed him!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
It don't look like you're missing any meals. I'm outta here!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[wallops Sharp] No you're not!

[a fight starts]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
This is not the behavior of old men!

[from trailer]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
I got a copy that wants an official rematch, they'll pay you a hundred grand!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Well, I can't be in the same room as that guy. It's not worth it.

Dante Slate, Jr.:
The hell you mean, it ain't worth it? I'm looking at your house!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Where's Frankie?

Mikey:
[Distracted from reading] Frankie's not coming till later. I'm your trainer, Mikey.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[looking at a fat man] You can't be my trainer. Maybe I believe you ATE my trainer

Mikey:
[Knowing he's been insulted] Nice.

[from trailer]

Lightning:
[splashes water on Razor] Time to train!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
What have I done?

[from trailer]

B.J.:
[to McDonnen] Can I talk to you for a second? I'm your son. I thought maybe you could use a little help.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Look at us!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Yeah, look at us! We're not dead! Everyone's laughing at us! The whole world's laughing at us! But we're not dead! In fact, I feel more alive now than I ever felt!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
But I've always regretted not beating Kid at his best.

Sally Rose:
No matter how hard you guys work, it won't be your best.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
It's the best we got.

Sally Rose:
Then go kick his ass.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Well, since you put it like that, he's a dead man.

[from trailer]

Lightning:
Hey Webster, show a little respect!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
I choose to believe that you just called me Webster because of my dictionary-sized vocabulary, NOT because of my height and race!

Lightning:
Nope, it's because you're short and black!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
What was Jesus like? I'm curious. Was he cool?

[from trailer]

[Sharp throws a punch at a side of beef]

Lightning:
HEY! What'cha doing? We're just here to buy a little dinner! You don't have to punch everything!

[from trailer]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
I'll be a fighter. I was born to be a fighter.

[from trailer]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[sees Razor after 30 years] I hope I don't look like that big of an ass...

[as the fight starts]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[to the Kid] Gutsy move, going without a bra!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[to Razor] Yeah? I got a surprise for you: I took a dump on your porch!

[1980s footage]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Today I'm announcing my retirement from professional boxing. [cut to Kid walking down a street swearing viciously]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
I'll get him for this, one day...

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
THIRTY YEARS! THIRTY YEARS! YES, YES, YES! [jumps around happily, then bends over gasping for breath]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
I gotta get in shape...

B.J.:
[to Kid] You know, I was pissed off at my mom for not telling me about you, but I can see she was right about you.

[Lightning brings a bucket of horse urine for Razor]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
I'm not putting my hands in horse urine!

Lightning:
So you're telling me you're a better boxer than Jack Dempsey? Every day, Jack Dempsey would soak his hands in horse urine! And nobody ever had a tougher punch than Jack Dempsey!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[resigned] Did you heat it up? Or is it fresh? [dips his fists in the bucket]

Lightning:
It's vinegar, I'm kidding!... It's urine! [Razor pulls his fist out]

Lightning:
It's vinegar! [in]

Lightning:
It's urine! [out]

Lightning:
It's vinegar! [in]

Lightning:
It's urine! [out]

Lightning:
It's vinegar! [in]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Hey, come on!

Sally Rose:
Don't make this fight with him about me!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Don't treat him like a baby, give him his balls back!

[at the fight, Lightning gets out of his scooter]

Lightning:
You see all that heat out there? I'm getting some snapper tonight!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
I think I just threw up in my mouth...

[as the fight begins]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Is this about you and me, or is about her?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
You and me!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
Well, that's a relief!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[sees Kid on "Dancing with the Stars"] Now I wish I was blind in both eyes...

Dante Slate, Jr.:
[his feet in a bucket] I gotta wash this vinegar off my feet. This is strong vinegar, it smells awful. This vinegar went bad! [Lightning grins]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
I banged his girlfriend. It was an error in judgement, look how it turned out... [walks off]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
This is some white people sh*t...

Lightning:
[unwilling to have a male nurse] What kind of man knowingly takes a job where he's gotta wash another man's balls?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
He's a hero a far as I'm concerned, pal.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Your hearing aid's turned too high again!

Lightning:
[turns it down] I hate the noise that thing makes, it's like I'm R2-D2!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
You don't know what a video game is? Exactly when did they unfreeze you, Captain America?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Captain America? You know, I could take you down a peg or two... but it looks like someone beat me to it.

[Razor and Kid end up in prison]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[to Kid] Isn't anybody in here going to rape this guy?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
You remember the first thing you said to me? I did.

Lightning:
I said you looked like a garbage salesman come to take out the trash. [later on]

Lightning:
You know why I said that garbage thing? I didn't want your head to get swelled up, you were so goddamn good.

Lightning:
Why don't you have a TV? I watch "Dancing with the Stars"! I'm an old man, I need to watch "Dancing with the Stars"!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Why HIM? Of all the people in the world to cheat with, why HIM? I keep thinking about it, turning it over and over in my head...

Sally Rose:
I loved you so much, back then. You were training in the Catskill Mountains, and I flew over there to be with you, and you were with this woman, and so... Kid.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Nothing happened. I don't even know who that woman was, I can't even remember what she looked like!

Sally Rose:
I know that now. I just wanted to hurt you as much as I thought you'd hurt me.

Dante Slate, Jr.:
We are in Kardashian sex tape money, baby!

Lightning:
[sees Razor and Sally together] Awww...

Sally Rose:
Lightning! I can't believe you're still alive!... Not that that's a bad thing...

Lightning:
Aw, this is sweet. You know, I had a hooker a long time ago, she was real great to screw... and she did this thing with a ping-pong ball...

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Hey, hey!

Lightning:
I'm just saying, you know, seeing you together gives me hope. I could find her again one day.

Lightning:
Call it! [throws a coin in the air]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Hey, I never saw it coming, come on... [Lightning raises a hand, and slaps him]

Lightning:
When were you going to tell me you were blind in one eye?

Dante Slate, Jr.:
I got a kid in primary school, he's surrounded only by white kids! You know what that means? It means he owes people! He's already promised one kid a bar mitzvah! Do you know how much a bar mitzvah costs?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[to Sally] I don't have a TV. I don't dare have one because I'm afraid I may flip to a boxing channel, and see what I walked away from.

Trey:
Sorry you lost, Kid.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
That's all right, Trey. Call me Grandad.

[last lines]

Lightning:
[on the phone] Look, just tell those bookies I'll get them the money somehow, okay? Just hold them off...

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Lightning, we WON!

Lightning:
You serious?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Yeah!

Lightning:
Goddamn hearing aid!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
I can get you a part in Hangover 4!

Evander Holyfield:
I'm listening.

Mike Tyson:
You sonofabitch!

[goes for Slate]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
Wait, WAIT, WAIT!

Evander Holyfield:
Guard your ears!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
[to Lightning] You think you're the only one who got ripped off? All my dad left me was a bad reputation!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
I wanna beat you! [hurls a machine at Razor]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Come on, come on! Come on! Come on! [Razor charges at Kid]

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[to BJ] You got every right to hate me. But I need you in my corner.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[about Kid] He took from me the one thing I loved more than anything in the world, so I took from him a rematch, the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world.

Lightning:
You know, it's not like she didn't get a chance away from you. Every day you were the first one in the gym and the last one out. I'm just saying, it's all a long time ago and you got another shot.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[to Razor] How do you live with yourself, knowing that we tied? You never beat me!

Sally Rose:
I was there, he kicked your ass!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
He kicked my ass, he only did that the second match because I was out of shape! The first match, I kicked his ass because I was in shape!

Sally Rose:
You're pathetic!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Pathetic? Tell her! TELL HER!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[to Sally] He wasn't ready.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
I'm ready!

Lightning:
Yeah. You're the one-eyed monster.

B.J.:
He's blind!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
What? How do you know?

B.J.:
My mother told me!... What, you think she made it up? You've been hammering him since the fight began!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
I hate you, man.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
I hate you too.

[repeated line]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
No tickets, no money.

Frankie Brite:
You're the original media whore!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Your mother's a whore!

Frankie Brite:
You called my mother a whore? You called my mother a whore? You called my mo... [Kid punches him out]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
Come on, Evander! So the man went batshit and bit your ear off, it's not like he enjoyed it!

Mike Tyson:
It tasted like ass!

Dante Slate, Jr.:
Hear that? You didn't taste good!

Frankie Brite:
You are planning on embarrassing yourself, Kid. A great performer knows when to leave the stage.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[to Frankie] You set me up with that one trainer over there who's so full of sh*t he can't even hear a word I'm saying!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[during a casino promotion] Didn't you lose twenty thousand dollars betting here?

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Yeah, well, who loses the SuperBowl four times in a row?

Lightning:
We're going for good old fashioned blunt force trauma. Horsepower. Heavy-duty, cast-iron, piledriving punches that will have to hurt so much he'll crawl back up his mother's vagina! [some female athletes stare at Lightning, scandalized]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Hey!

Lightning:
What?

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Thirty years I been waiting to prove to the world I can kick your ass! And that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to kick your ass!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
You gotta move on!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
What, what do you mean move on?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Move on!

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
What? As long as you got her, you can move on? What about me? I got nothing!

[training Kid]

B.J.:
Did you just fart? [gets up and walks away, choking]

Dante Slate, Jr.:
[his car doesn't work] Piece of sh*t!

Trey:
What does BJ stand for?

B.J.:
[embarrassed about his name] Uh...

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Trey, BJ stands for Butterscotch and Jellybeans.

Trey:
I like butterscotch and jellybeans!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
You know, women are more verbal than men.

Sally Rose:
Women are more verbal than men?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Yeah, I read it in a magazine article: "Women are More Verbal than Men".

[at a skydiving stunt, Razor shoves Kid out of the plane and Dante breaks into laughter]

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Why are you laughing?

Dante Slate, Jr.:
I forgot to tell you the first one down gets an extra five grand!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Sh*t!

[jumps out]

Lightning:
[to Razor] If you get in the ring with him, it will kill you! I know you're doing this for me... but it's over. It's over!

Sally Rose:
I think we depressed the sh*t out of these pigeons...

Tranny Hooker:
[Kid and Razor are dressed in green catsuits] You two some kind of superheroes?

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
Yeah, I'm the Green Champion and he's the Emerald Superpussy.

Lightning:
You got an iPad?

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
Nah, I got a regular couch.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
[as BJ is walking away] Hey, what's BJ stand for? Hah?

B.J.:
Bradley James. Stands for Bradley James. But I just... I like BJ.

Billy 'The Kid' McDonnen:
We all do, kid. But it's one thing to get one and it's another to be called one.

Lightning:
You doing real good, you big p*ssy!

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
That's not helping.

Lightning:
It's okay, I'm eight hundred years old, I say what I want.

[first lines]

Jim Lampley:
Hello again, everybody, I'm Jim Lampley. Certain athletes are born enemies. Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier. Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. But the fiercest rivalry was be between two fighters from Pittsburgh with the names Razor and Kid.

Dante Slate, Jr.:
[to Razor] What's the matter, did you wake up on the wrong side of the tenement this morning?

Lightning:
[to Razor] Well, I'll never call you p*ssy again. Stupid maybe.

Henry 'Razor' Sharp:
[to Sally] Maybe I could have done so many things that I didn't do. I just don't wanna make any more mistakes. I'm done with that. I let him take me from the two things that mattered most - you and boxing. I just shut it out.