Half & Half

Phyllis Thorne:
Maybe you'll find yourself a man this year.

Mona Thorne:
But Ma, I'm surrounded by men all the time: Orville Redenbacher, Captain Crunch, Dr. Pepper... Hey, you always wanted me to end up with a doctor.

Phyllis Thorne:
Just when I think you've hit rock bottom, you start digging a tunnel.

Mona Thorne:
Did Morgan Freeman finally answer your letters?

Phyllis Thorne:
No, but his lawyers did. I guess my last love poem was a little raw.

Dee Dee Thorne:
[chanting] Chaos cannot enter the place wherein the Serenity Candle burns...

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
[storming through the door] I've left your father!

Dee Dee Thorne:
Well's there 30 bucks down the toilet. [blows out candle]

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
[during construction in Dee Dee's apartment] I don't want to see anything else in this apartment that has to be repaired with a bucket of spackle and a putty knife!

[suddenly noticing Phyllis]

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
Too late. Phyllis is here. Come to see what pricey porcelain looks like?

Phyllis Thorne:
I've already seen your teeth.

Dee Dee Thorne:
[speaking to Spencer] Can you move? I'm afraid the scent of desperation will draw flies.

Andre Spencer Williams:
It's a well known fact: To keep a man, you have to feed a man. Here, I'll prove it to you. Hey, Tina, what the fastest way to a man's heart?

Tina:
Through his chest with a sharp knife. Give me something hard next time.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
We're going to have many happy years together.

Mona Thorne:
Yeah, you and Daddy are quite the pair.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
I was talking about my credit card.

Phyllis Thorne:
Oh, what a day! I've never had to dry so many tears.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
You poor dear. Were you trying on bathing suits again?

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
Well, since no one has offered to buy me a drink, I guess I'll buy my own. Now I know how Phyllis feels.

Andre Spencer Williams:
[while attempting to find a weekend date] Excuse me. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? [woman promptly leaves]

Tina:
Hard to believe you beat out 100 million other sperm.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
[eyeing Phyllis as Mona throws her out of her apartment] Phyllis...

Phyllis Thorne:
Big Dee Dee...

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
What a pleasant surprise. You here everyday living through your daughter.

Phyllis Thorne:
For your information, I am here to give my daughter some advice.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
Well, I'm giving mine the new Armani Fall Collection, but advice is good, too.

Phyllis Thorne:
[noticing Big Dee Dee's Pomeranian] I see you brought your lunch.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
Thinking of food, as usual. This is my baby Coco. [kisses Coco's head]

Phyllis Thorne:
I see the resemblance. I'm more of a cat person myself.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
I figured. I didn't think all that hair on your clothes came from a man.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
[after Dee Dee's new jacuzzi leaks into Mona's apartment and floods it] Oh, my. Is that mildew I smell or Phyllis's wet hair?

Phyllis Thorne:
If you don't want me to use that cheap wig as a mop, I suggest you shut your trap.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
[after bumping into Phyliis holding an object in the hallway] Phyllis, what is that monstrosity? And I don't mean that riot of polyester and lint you call an outfit.

Phyllis Thorne:
It's a cuckoo clock. I got it for Mona at a garage sale.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
In other words, JUNK.

Phyllis Thorne:
*You* found a home, why shouldn't it?

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
So basically, trash is the best you can do for your daughter? I just bought Dee Dee a state-of-the-art pager/digital camera/doesn't this make your gift pathetic/why do you even bother getting up in the morning?

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
[noticing Mona with Phyllis while leaving Dee Dee's apartment] Oh, hi, pudding pop! We have a favor to ask you.

Phyllis Thorne:
Sorry, we don't have any virgin blood. You'll just have to age like the rest of us.

Dee Dee Thorne:
Mona, would you mind keeping an eye on my apartment? Mom and I are going out of town for the weekend.

Mona Thorne:
Sure.

Big Dee Dee Thorne:
Yes, we're off to Spa de Soleil for a mother-daughter bonding session and deep-tissue massages. [glances at Phyllis] For those of us who have forgotten, that's when someone touches your body.

Phyllis Thorne:
How would you like a deep-tissue massage with the heel of my shoe?