Hardly Beloved

Danielle:
Eryk, I brought you to the park to run around and play! What's the problem?

Eryk:
You're the problem! Bad guy! You've got nuts in your udders!

Danielle:
What does that even mean? [to herself] I give up. I swear... [into the phone] Hello?

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone] Hey, cuz. How's your day out with Eryk goin'?

Danielle:
[into the phone] I won't even answer that. This kid is unbelievable!

Eryk:
Look, I'm holding my penis!

Danielle:
[into the phone] I think he's been around your dad too long. My God... Anyway, what's up?

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone] I need some advice. You think I should have an affair?

Eryk:
You're Butt Girl and I'm Penis Boy! Butter udders!

Danielle:
[into the phone] Absolutely not. Keep your hands in your pockets and your zipper zipped up. The risk of you getting someone else pregnant makes me wanna bury myself alive.

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone] Well, damn.

Danielle:
[into the phone] Sorry. Why do you ask?

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone] Cynthia's in our shed right now, with another woman.

Danielle:
[into the phone] So? What are they doing?

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone, incredulous] Well, they're not admiring my garden tool collection! Whaddya think they're doing?

Danielle:
[into the phone] That b*tch! [lowers the phone, to herself] I thought our time together meant something!

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone] What?

Danielle:
[into phone] Nothing. You know what...? Yes. By all means. Get yourself a mistress. Better yet, get three. You deserve it.

Chad Podosek:
[into the phone] I think I will. Thanks, Danielle!

Danielle:
[into the phone] Don't mention it. [sarcastic] Now let me go so I can have some more fun with your son.

Eryk:
B*tch! B*tch! B*tch!

Danielle:
[to Eryk] Well, at least you're running around.

Suzanne:
What a beautiful sky... So vast... So peaceful... So unfair. It hangs over us, taunting, beckoning... offering an escape we can never have... F***ing gravity. We're stuck here on the ground, forced to accept, to assimilate, to make the most of our lives and to do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves. But, it's all good...

Danielle:
...'cause we're some masochistic motherf***ers.

Host:
Yep, it's one of those kinda movies... So get to bed, Grandma!

Chad Podosek:
I know you're in there... and I know what you're doing!

Cynthia Podosek:
You don't know anything, Chad! Go away!

Chad Podosek:
You're wrong! I know a lot!

Chad Podosek:
I tried telling him it was my grandma that wrote my name all over the house, but he didn't believe me... He was the world's greatest a**hole, but he wasn't stupid.

Chad Podosek:
Doc, I'm sure any possibilities would have been better than how things turned out.

Barry:
Don't look over there, look at me!

Barry:
Do that one more time, and I'll tan your f***in' hide, you understand me?

Barry:
Oh, what, you're gonna cry now? You want me to tell everybody you're a crybaby? [mockingly] Little Chad's a crybaby...

Barry:
Don't look at me, look at the wall!

Dr. Jane Lee:
Wait a minute. He covered your face with a pillow? For how long?

Chad Podosek:
Just until I didn't move around so much. Then he took it away and went outside... Playtime was over.

Dr. Jane Lee:
I'd hardly call that playtime... Where was your mother during all this?

Chad Podosek:
Another room, or at the store. I don't remember. It's not like she wasn't aware of how he treated me... She just couldn't be bothered.

Dr. Jane Lee:
I can only assume things grew worse as you got older...?

Chad Podosek:
Yeah, something like that.

Barry:
No, you can't watch Miami Vice. Get to bed! You need your rest for the baseball game tomorrow... as if the coach will even let you play. If I'd known you'd be on the bench all season, I wouldn't have told your mother to sign you up! At least you'll get some exercise walking three miles to the park and back...

Barry:
I don't care how old you are, or how big you get, you will never... ever be able to take me down.

Chad Podosek:
You know, the worst part about it... My mom's parents never liked Barry, but when she finally left him, they took his side.

Dr. Jane Lee:
I find you very... intriguing, Chad, and I don't normally say that to my patients... I look forward to our next session.

Danielle:
Chad, she's still your wife. Running out and doing the same thing she's been doing to you might only backfire and cause you more trouble than you've already got... Are you guys still having sex?

Chad Podosek:
Uh... Yeah.

Danielle:
Then you can't exactly cry Alienation of Affection. She's not even seeing other men.

Chad Podosek:
Did you enjoy your meal?

Bridget:
Very much, thank you.

Chad Podosek:
Good! So... what would you like to do now? Go to a movie, walk through the park, head back to my place...?

Bridget:
I would love... to go back to your place.

Chad Podosek:
Are you serious?

Bridget:
Chad... I think I love you.

Chad Podosek:
Really... Well, that's swell.

Bridget:
You lied.

Chad Podosek:
No, I just didn't tell the whole truth. But, Bridget, listen...

Bridget:
YOU F***ING LIED!

Chad Podosek:
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I certainly didn't plan on going to bed with you!

Chad Podosek:
I think we really have a special... connection, and it'd be a shame to throw that away... Don't you agree?

Buzz:
Beg all you want, motherf***er! My name's Buzz, that's how I live!

Roscoe:
I don't even know why I hang with that motherf***er!

Buzz:
Sh*t, I rode wit you.

Buzz:
That's a motherf***er that need a beer or two... or twelve.

Buzz:
Everybody got a sad story to tell!

Roscoe:
Yeah, and mine is... I'm outta beer! Pass me a beer, nigga!

Pug:
Honesty doesn't come out wrong, man.

Pug:
Take your life back, man! Go out there and tell those motherf***ers to take their beer and sit in their own yard with their jungle music!

Chad Podosek:
Um... that's my beer.

Pug:
Instead of bitchin' about your host, why not try to be some decent guests? Didn't your mama ever teach you any manners?

Tyler:
Be a man, Chad... For once in your miserable life!

Tyler:
Oh, and the reason we didn't sit inside the shed... It smells like stale p*ssy up in there. Let that sh*t air out and f*** Cynthia inside the house, from now on... Nasty f***er.

Chad Podosek:
Cynthia's having sex with another woman in our shed.

Joe Podosek:
And... you're calling me. Weren't you invited?

Chad Podosek:
No, Dad! That's the problem! What should I do?

Joe Podosek:
You should be a man and crash their party! Cynthia's your wife, for chrissakes! If she wants to add a woman to the mix, you're entitled to be there to lick the batter! If you need me to tell you that, you're hopeless!

Barry:
I was only playin' with you! You wanna get rough... I'll get rough with ya.

Barry:
What the hell you doin' in there? Stop playin' with yourself and get downstairs! Your mother's got dinner ready!

Barry:
You're a wimp... You've always been one, and you always will be. You're gonna end up just like your father, a drunken bum, and even though he ain't worth sh*t, I don't blame him for wantin' nothin' to do with ya... Now get outta here.

Barry:
What are you, a tough guy, now? You've been runnin' away from me your whole life, and now you're gonna stand up to me? You ain't worth the effort anymore! Beat it... And hey, do me a favor, huh? Don't come back, ya f***in' Polack!

Chad Podosek:
You know, this whole Internet Dating thing is so much easier than the bar scene we grew up with. Type in what you're looking for, and bam, take your pick... And I think I've just taken mine.

Buzz:
First of the day!

Roscoe:
You lyin', man. That's your sixth one for the day. You got a problem, man.

Buzz:
Yo, shut up. I ain't got no problem.

Tyler:
I beg to differ.

Roscoe:
Tyler's just trippin', man... If his girl was here, he wouldn't be drinkin', anyway, with his p*ssy-whipped ass!

Pug:
We'd better get back out there soon. The natives are gettin' restless.

Pug:
But you're lettin' 'em walk all over you!

Chad Podosek:
Yeah... Story of my life.

Barry:
You need to get out of the house more often. Find some friends. Get a girlfriend... [chuckles] What am I sayin'? That'll be the day. Girls don't like nerds. Especially fat ones. You need exercise, that's your problem. Well, you're gonna get plenty, over the next couple months. You're goin' to camp for two weeks, and then you're startin' baseball. And don't sit there and tell me you don't like sports... You'll learn to like 'em.