Haunted Honeymoon

Aunt Kate:
I know that one of you is a werewolf. I saw you in the garden this afternoon.

Larry Abbot:
Now if anything frightens you. Anything at all. You just holler.

Vickie Pearle:
[screams] Just practising.

Dr. Paul Abbot:
Thank you for a lovely evening, Kate, shall we see you in the morning?

Aunt Kate:
Oh, who knows if any of us will ever see the morning?

Larry Abbot:
Something terrible has happened! I just found cousin Francis in my bed!

Pfister:
Was he wearing a dress?

Larry Abbot:
Yes, he was.

Pfister:
Just ask him to leave, Sir. Tell him you have a headache.

Vickie Pearle:
Beat it! While you're still healthy.

Larry Abbot:
Now you think this would frighten me. Well it doesn't. Because I know this is just a filthy figment of my diseased imagination. All I have to do is simply reach out my hand and touch it!

Larry Abbot:
Yes Sir. It's the biggest thrill of my life. I can tell you that!

Vickie Pearle:
Larry... Aaow! This thing's pinching my butt!

Vickie Pearle:
I gotta go to The Can! What do you want me to do?

Vickie Pearle:
Holy baloney, here we go again.

Vickie Pearle:
This is gonna be some wedding. A loony for a husband, and Peter Pan for his wife.

Montego:
Everything is going to change, I promise, so long as you have faith in me.

Susan:
You're a very pursuasive man.

Montego:
It's all done with mirrors.

Vickie Pearle:
I love your lipstick, what's it called?

Sylvia:
Pink Passion!

[they laugh awkwardly]

Vickie Pearle:
Well quit passion it around!

Pfister:
The lights have gone out, madam.

Charles:
[Pfister gets a mocking aplause from everyone] Good old Pfister, soon figured that one out.

Aunt Kate:
That vase cost me five thousand dollars. There are only three like it in the world.

Pfister:
Two.

Aunt Kate:
Yes... two.

[last lines]

The Host:
Before you all settle back into the cozy comfort of a happy ending, let me ask you one question: are you so sure that our story has ended? Hmmm? Until next time, this is your host wishing you... pleasant dreams... [chuckles wickedly]

Pfister:
Is he still married?

Larry Abbot:
Widower.

Pfister:
Widower than what?

Larry Abbot:
What do you mean "Widower than what"?

Pfister:
You said he was widower.

Larry Abbot:
He is.

Pfister:
Widower than what?

Larry Abbot:
I don't know what you're talking about. He isn't widower than anything.

Pfister:
You mean he's just a "wittle" man.

Larry Abbot:
That's right.

Pfister:
That's all I was asking.

Vickie Pearle:
Say, did'ja hear what the bug said to the windshield?

Larry Abbot:
What?

Vickie Pearle:
That's me all over.

Pfister:
I am Pfister, the family butler.

Larry Abbot:
Yes! And I am that little boy you used to bathe and tuck into bed and bring warm milk and cookies to, just before you kissed me goodnight.

Pfister:
May I have your name please?

Larry Abbot:
My name?

Vickie Pearle:
Is he kidding?

Pfister:
Come in, Mr. Kidding. *I'll* take the bags.

[repeated line]

Rachel:
Do I have to do everything? Drunken sot!

[first lines]

Francis Jr.:
It's not what you think. [collapses and camera pans right then stops] Well, it's partly what you think but, uh, oh it's so complicated. [dies]

Pfister:
[surprised] Master Larry!

Larry Abbot:
Pfister, you *do* remember me.

Pfister:
Of *course*. When did you get here?

Larry Abbot:
About fifteen minutes ago.

Pfister:
I wish I'd known. I would have greeted you myself.

Larry Abbot:
Oh yes, that would have been nice. Well, huh, we can't have everything.

Pfister:
Come along, you're in your old room.

Larry Abbot:
Oh, good.

Aunt Kate:
My brother John, from whom you are all descended, was bitten on the back of his neck by something that was half animal, half human. From that moment on, he was hairy, all over.

Aunt Kate:
Where's Francis Jr.?

Francis Abbot Sr.:
I don't know, Kate. He told me he was coming up this afternoon. I thought sure he'd be here in time for dinner.

Aunt Kate:
One of my dresses is missing. Has he been at it again?

Francis Abbot Sr.:
No! [stammering] Uh, n-n-no no I.

Francis Abbot Sr.:
[explaining to Vickie] My son does this wonderful impression of Aunt Kate. He's got her voice down to a tee. And well, sometimes he likes to, uh, put on one of Aunt Kate's dresses to entertain at family gatherings.

Vickie Pearle:
I see.

Francis Abbot Sr.:
[upbeat] Oh, you should have seen him last Christmas. Such fun.

Aunt Kate:
[sarcastic] Yes. And when the police dragged him out of the ladies room at Sach's Fifth Avenue, *that* was fun.

Larry Abbot:
I'm telling you, I felt a cold, dead body lying beside me in bed. Do you understand?

Pfister:
I feel that every night. Warm brandy helps.

Bill:
Come on, Mickey. Weren't they nice? I love show folks, they're so full of life.

Aunt Kate:
Wait! Oh, wait. Before this moment is over, I want to say that this house has been under a cloud of darkness for so many years. And now, at last, the cloud has pissed.

Aunt Kate:
You're the only living soul who knows I've changed my Will. If you ever tell anyone then may your soul rot in Hell!