Head Office

Sal:
My tape! My Julio Iglesias tape!

Max Landsberger:
Lesson No.1: beware of the furniture movers. When the axe falls, they're usually the first to know. People see them coming and they sh*t.

Max Landsberger:
Lesson No.4: the secret to survival here is never make a decision.

Jack Issel:
Never?

Max Landsberger:
Never. The minute you do, you're screwed.

Max Landsberger:
Since the 1984 oil discovery in New Guinea, we have sold the Bu!kais hill tribesmen 20 of our S-24 fighters. At $21 million per unit, that's $252 million. This has started a local arms race between the Bu!kais, and their local neighbors the Kla!klalas. Now the Kla!klalas also happen to be sitting an a large amount of oil. And now the Kla!klalas want to buy 20 of our new Slash X-Ray Ultra Pursuit fighters for a total of $480 million.

Pete Helmes:
What are the chances of war between them?

Bob Nixon:
Very good sir. Our spare parts replacement contracts could be very lucrative.

Pete Helmes:
Who trains their flight personnel?

Max Landsberger:
Well, as near as we can assess it... well, they don't actually fly the planes. They sort of roll them down hills, crashing them into each other.

Scott Dantley:
Personally, I think that it's a shameful waste of incredible kill power.

Pete Helmes:
Make the deal.

Bob Nixon:

Don King:
Mr. Chairman, we are a company on the move. I have two mega stocks and a super promotional idea that can bring INC from $500 million, to $1 billion in gross revenue. That is not about white power, nor is it about black power. It's about green power! Money! M-O-N-E-Y! We're talking about geometric progression. One... four... eight... 16... the numbers boggle the mind! So in conclusion, all we have to do is to get off the dime, and put this show on the road. Thank you very much.

Jack Issel:
Exactly what is our side of the Allenville story?

Max Landsberger:
Were losing money hand over fist.

Jack Issel:
That's not true.

Max Landsberger:
No, but it's our side of the story. Lesson No.55: there are no truths, only stories.

Jack Issel:
Don't you think it's strange, Max? They keep promoting me. I don't do anything!

Max Landsberger:
Hey, did you know that the Japanese are working on some kind of micro orgasm. Soon, you'll be able to have group sex on a silicon chip no bigger than my fingernail.

Jack Issel:
Max! You're not taking me seriously! This place is totally bananas! Any normal person would have quit a long time ago.

Max Landsberger:
Relax, what are you worried about? Helms has his eye on you. You're in line for another big promotion.

Jack Issel:
Yeah, as soon as somebody drops dead, or jumps, or maybe I'm supposed to pull the trigger myself. There're really doing it up there, Max. They're rigging things up. For what?

Max Landsberger:
For money and power Jack. It's the American way. Lesson No.79: when the tough get going, the weak get screwed.

Jack Issel:
I can't play it like that.

Max Landsberger:
It's the only way to play it Jack.

Jack Issel:
What about you? You're not like the rest of them. How do you survive it?

Max Landsberger:
I just go with the flow. I flipped out years ago. I only look sane, but I'm not. The secret is you have to be crazy to maintain your sanity up here. But you're sane, Jack. That's why you're going crazy.

Pete Helmes:
In the old days, I'd have had that son of a b*tch in cement and thrown into the river faster than you can say Henry Ford!

Scott Dantley:
Unfortunately, these are the post-Watergate 1980s.

Pete Helmes:
Well, then shoot him!

Scott Dantley:
Killing Jack Issel isn't a wise idea, sir.

Pete Helmes:
I'm one of the most powerful men in this world, and if I can't have someone shot, then what the hell does it mean to have power anymore?

Bob Nixon:
Well, you are just screwing your way to the top, aren't you?

Jane Caldwell:
I wouldn't be much of an executive if I screwed my way to the bottom. Would I?

Pete Helmes:
I'm an optimist, Colonel. I look down there and see if there's anything else for me to buy.

Al Kennedy:
Sir, it could cost us over $700 million to buy out West Oil. A bid could trigger a proxy fight and drive the prices even higher. I firmly recommend against it.

Al Kennedy:
Oh, well I could recommend for it. We've successfully fought off proxy battles in the past.

Al Kennedy:
No? Well, then I go back to my original proposal. I recommend against any bid would be catastrophic.

Pete Helmes:
You're wrong.

Al Kennedy:
Wrong? How could I be wrong? I'm willing to go either way!

Jane Caldwell:
Don't fall for it, Jack.

Jack Issel:
Fall for what?

Jane Caldwell:
For the lie we keep telling ourselves. We do the dirty stuff to get the power. It'll give us all the good things we really want. Then we get the power, we can't even remember what goddamn thing what it was we wanted it for in the first place.

Al Kennedy:
There goes Helmes now. I'm fired! I'm gone, I'm finished!

Mike Hoover:
Al, you’re imagining things.

Al Kennedy:
At Friday's meeting with Helmes, he didn't make eye contact with me once. It's a sign, I'm f***ing dead in this company!

Mike Hoover:
You're crazy!

Al Kennedy:
Crazy?

Mike Hoover:
No, paranoid!

Al Kennedy:
Paranoid? You got your goddamn bag of pecans this week from Helmes, I didn't get any bag of...

Mike Hoover:
But what does that have to do with...

Al Kennedy:
I'm dead in this company!

Pete Helmes:
Okay now, what do you say Jack?

Jack Issel:
I say that you two guys, are two of the biggest a**holes I've ever met.

Scott Dantley:
You're way out of line, Mister Issel!

Pete Helmes:
Jack, for heaven's sake, this is an important foreign policy issue at stake here!

Jack Issel:
Don't give me this "foreign policy" stuff. I call it contemptible horse sh*t! You just want to buy yourselves a country like as if it was a stolen TV set. Then, you launder hot goods and dirty dealings through something you call "foreign policy." My God, America's a democracy. We're not some international fried chicken chain!