Heartburn

Mark Forman:
What the f*** was that?

Rachel Samstat:
He has cancer.

Mark Forman:
Bullshit.

Rachel Samstat:
Mark.

Mark Forman:
It's bullshit!

Rachel Samstat:
People don't lie about things like that.

Mark Forman:
Contractors lie about everything. What'd he say, "I have cancer"?

Rachel Samstat:
Exactly.

Mark Forman:
Well, he probable meant that "he" has cancer.

Rachel Samstat:
Who?

Mark Forman:
How do I know? Someone. I don't know. His father.

Rachel Samstat:
His father's dead.

Mark Forman:
He has an unlisted address.

Rachel Samstat:
What are you talking about?

Mark Forman:
Oh, well, it's the latest thing.

Rachel Samstat:
What kind of person has an unlisted address?

Mark Forman:
I'll tell you what kind person. The kind that doesn't want to be dead. The kind people are trying to kill all the time.

Rachel Samstat:
Why are you angry at me for?

Mark Forman:
I'm not angry at you.

Rachel Samstat:
Then what you shouting at me for?

Mark Forman:
Because you're the only one that's here.

Mark Forman:
My wife's name was Kimberley. One of the first Kimberleys.

Rachel Samstat:
My husband had hamsters.

Mark Forman:
Me too.

Rachel Samstat:
Not as a grownup you didn't. He had hamsters named Arnold and Shirley. And he was always whipping up little salads for them in the Slice-O-Matic and buying them extremely small sweaters at a pet boutique in Rego Park. Also, there was a certain amount of talking in squeaky voices.

Mark Forman:
Both of you?

Rachel Samstat:
Well, he was Arnold... and I was Shirley.

Mark Forman:
When we're married, I want this once a week.

Rachel Samstat:
I'm never getting married again. I don't believe in marriage.

Mark Forman:
Neither do I.

Mark Forman:
It's just that there's no door to the kitchen.

Contractor Laszlo:
The back door.

Mark Forman:
The back door. Yes. It's true. You can get into the kitchen... through the back door. This, we know is a kitchen. But you can't get inside the house from the kitchen! Now, how the f*** did this happen?

Rachel Samstat:
Mark. For God's sake. Laszlo, we thought that you could put a door here.

Contractor Laszlo:
She's a piece of cake. He's a piece of cake.

Rachel Samstat:
It's a piece of cake.

Contractor Laszlo:
You are Hungarian?

Rachel Samstat:
No. You are Hungarian.

Contractor Laszlo:
Yes.

Rachel Samstat:
Yes. Hungarians have no pronouns.

Mark Forman:
Apparently they don't have f***ing doors, either.

Contractor Laszlo:
She is very angry at me.

Rachel Samstat:
He is very angry at you. Yes.

Mark Forman:
[taking a very pregnant Rachel to the hospital] Just keep breathing, you can do it.

Rachel Samstat:
[panting] I don't want to do it, honey. Can't we get somebody else to do it?