Heathers

J.D.:
Is your life perfect?

Veronica:
I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.

J.D.:
I. . . . I don't really like your friends either.

Veronica:
Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and sh*t.

J.D.:
Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

Heather Chandler:
You stupid f***!

Veronica:
You goddamn b*tch!

Heather Chandler:
You were nothing before you met me! You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn! You were a bluebird! You were a brownie! You were a Girl Scout cookie! I got you into a Remington party! What's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke!

Veronica:
LICK IT UP, BABY! Lick! It! Up!

Heather Chandler:
. . . . Monday morning, you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. Nobody at Westerburg's gonna let you play their reindeer games!

Veronica:
Oh my God! I just killed my best friend!

J.D.:
And your worst enemy!

Veronica:
SAME DIFFERENCE!

J.D.:
What are we gonna tell the cops? "F*** it if she can't take a joke, Sarge?!"

Veronica:
Oh, the cops! I can't believe this is my life! Oh my God! I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford!

J.D.:
Ah, right. Just a little freaked here. Well at least you got what ya wanted, ya know?

Veronica:
Got what I wanted?! It is one thing to want somebody out of your life! It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer!

Dennis:
I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund, Peter, but we're talking teen suicide here! Ask Alison: The number-one song in America today is Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It) by Big Fun. Jesus, man! Westerburg finally got one of these, and I'm not about to blow it!

Peter:
Great. So Heather gets the front page and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

Veronica:
Hi, guys. Came to check on this week's [sees the Heather Chandler Yearbook Spread] Lunchtime Poll Topic.

Dennis:
[helps Veronica sit down] Hey, take it easy, Veronica, sit down! That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh? [trying to get Veronica's mind off the funeral] We were wondering if you had any poems, artwork that Heather did that we can put in the Heather Chandler Yearbook Spread.

Veronica:
[looks at Dennis with barely concealed horror] The WHAT?!

Dennis:
[leads Veronica to the display of the Yearbook Spread] Take a look at this. It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner. [sees Veronica's disgust] It's more tasteful than it sounds!

Veronica:
I don't know, Dennis. This stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth. . . .

Courtney:
[she was listening; what a surprise] Like last night, Veronica? [she and her friend giggle in a conspiritorial manner]

Veronica:
[gives Courtney a WTF look] Excuse me? I don't get it.

Courtney:
What you did last night. Kurt told us of your little date.

Veronica:
[scoffs] Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow sh*t.

Courtney:
I don't know. He was really detailed.

Peter:
Shut up, Courtney.

Veronica:
No, don't shut up! I'd like to know exactly what I did!

Peter:
[pulling Veronica aside] C'mon, Veronica; I'll show you the Poll Topic.

Veronica:
What the f***?

Peter:
Okay, now I RARELY listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly, BUT he said he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night. Know what I mean?

Veronica:
[disgusted] EW! That son of a b*tch!

Veronica:
All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

Veronica's Dad:
I don't patronize bunny rabbits!

Veronica's Mom:
Treated like human beings? Is that what you just said, Little Miss Voice of a Generation? Just how do you think adults act with other adults? You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis? When teenagers complain about wanting to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they're being treated like human beings.

Heather McNamara:
Suicide is a private thing.

Veronica:
You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S.-f***ing-A. Today! That's about the least private thing I can think of!

Veronica:
Heather, why can't you just be a friend?! Why do you have to be such a mega-b*tch?!

Heather Duke:
Because I can be.

J.D.:
Do you think that just because you started this thing you can end it?!

Veronica:
I'll kill you, I'll f***ing kill you, I swear to God! How do I turn off the God damn bomb, a**hole?!

J.D.:
[flips the bird at Veronica] F*** YOU! [Veronica shoots his middle finger] SH*T!

Veronica:
It's all over, J.D., help me stop it!

J.D.:
You want a clean slate as much as I do! Alright, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school because nobody loves me! Let's face it, alright. The only place where different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

Veronica:
Which button do I press to turn it off?

J.D.:
Try the red one, alright? Seriously, people will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.

Veronica:
WHICH red button?

J.D.:
Press the one in the middle, to turn it off if that's what you really want.

Veronica:
You know what I want, babe?

J.D.:
What?! [tries to attack but Veronica shoots him to stop the bomb]

Veronica:
Cool guys like you out of my life.

Heather Duke:
Veronica! You look like hell!

Veronica:
Yeah? I just got back! Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town!

Veronica Sawyer:
[praying over Heather's casket] Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?

Veronica Sawyer:
Oh, beautiful. The beaver's home.

Jason "J.D." Dean:
Greetings and Salutations.

Heather Chandler:
Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red.

Heather Duke:
Color me stoked, girl.

Kurt:
Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags policy?

J.D.:
Well, they, uh, seem to have an open door policy on a**holes, though, don't they?

Kurt's Dad:
[at Kurt and Ram's funeral] My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.

J.D.:
Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.

Veronica:
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?

Heather McNamara:
Probably.

Veronica Sawyer:
How very.

Veronica Sawyer:
What is your damage, Heather?!

Veronica Sawyer:
If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said real life sucks losers dry. You want to f*** with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful."

Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary, Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a f***ing psycho.

Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count. Everybody's sad...but it's kind of a weird kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain! I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D.! Are we going to prom or to hell?!

Veronica Sawyer:
I say we just grow up, be adults, and die.

Jason "J.D." Dean:
Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except date rapes and AIDS jokes.

Jason "J.D." Dean:
Our love is god, let's go get a slushie!

Jason "J.D." Dean:
Today was great, chaos is great! Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

Jason "J.D." Dean:
[finding Veronica] I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...

Jason "J.D." Dean:
The extreme always seems to make an impression.

Jason "J.D." Dean:
Color me impressed. You, uh... you really f***ed me up pretty bad, Veronica. You, um... you got power, power I didn’t think you had. The slate is clean.

Jason "J.D." Dean:
Let's pretend I blew up the school - all the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

Heather Chandler:
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.

Heather Chandler:
They all want me as a friend or a f***. I'm worshipped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.

Heather Chandler:
F*** me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Heather Chandler:
God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time…

Heather Duke:
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Father Ripper:
We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book.