Heaven Help Me, I'm in Love

Butch:
That's why I'm havin' you stay... I feel guilty! Besides, I can't let her run my life.

Stu:
Now you're talkin', bro.

Butch:
I'm gonna call you James while she's here though, okay?

Angie:
Good morning! Guess who?

Butch:
Uhh, Bridget?

Angie:
Uhh, no.

Butch:
Hmm... Gina?

Angie:
Maybe I dialed the wrong number! I thought I was talking to my loving and devoted boyfriend, Butch, not some worthless gigolo!

Karen:
You've got no sense of humor, Donald! How the hell are you gonna write a comedy?

Karen:
Get over it, and get on with your damn life! Be happy with your real job, and show me some attention, for a change!

Karen:
And don't be in there all day! I need to take a shower!

Donald:
Don't stifle me, woman!

Karen:
Stifle this, you prick!

Shannon:
Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt a wet daydream about Butch?

Shannon:
I'll seek enlightenment and forgiveness after I've indulged in all the debauchery my body can handle. I'll be like the rest of those holy rollers, and find God when there's nothing else to live for.

Angie:
Well, you're a warm ray of sunshine this fine morning, aren't you? Pass me the razor, I think I'll slit my wrists now.

Angie:
You've said more than a mouthful already.

Shannon:
Speakin' of mouthfuls, how's Butch?

Butch:
How's she gonna find out?

Stu:
Man, I don't know! Chicks always do!

Karen:
You get like this every time you start a new project, and you always end up treating me like sh*t until it's done.

Karen:
Start living for what you already have today, not for what you might have tomorrow. You'd be surprised how happy that would make you.

Donald:
I love you, Karen.

Karen:
I love you, too, jackass.

Shannon:
What is it with men that makes 'em so damn useless? You can't count on 'em for anything!

Angie:
If he can't be bothered to do the things I want to do now and then, I don't need him!

Angie:
I mean, I love him more than anything, and it would kill me to do it. But he needs to realize it'll take more than great sex to make our relationship work, you know?

Shannon:
You two have fun. Don't get stung by any jellyfish.

Angie:
Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Shannon:
Hmm, can't promise that now, can I?

Butch:
Yeah, that's it, man! Just let the rhythm grab a hold of your soul! Loosen up!

Stu:
Um... I need to buy a plant... for my father. He's in the hospital. He... just had a hemorrhoid operation. He likes plants... Potted ones, especially.

Angie:
I hope your father gets better soon.

Stu:
Huh? Oh yeah, thanks. I'm sure it'll all come out fine.

Angie:
It wasn't enough that everything always had to be your way... Now you're a liar and a stubborn a**hole?

Angie:
I've had those kind of boyfriends already... I thought you were different.

Shannon:
Buddy, you need to lay off the weed. It's never taken you that long to answer your phone!

Stu:
You need to lay off my nuts... What's up, girl?

Stu:
These b*tches are gonna give me a complex. I mean... what's wrong with me?

Angie:
I don't want to be alone, anymore... but I'm so afraid of getting hurt again.

Donald:
Man, I love this movie.

Butch:
You made it.

Donald:
My problem is having to reveal to the world what f***ing equipment I use to make my movies! It wouldn't bother me if people weren't so damn judgmental about it!

Donald:
Hey, people, just watch the movie and shut the f*** up!

Donald:
Do I need to be like all the other no-budget directors, too, and cast Debbie Rochon just to get my movies noticed? Well, I'm sorry, but I happen to not like Debbie Rochon! So if that means my work is destined to remain either unwatched or criticized... so f***in' be it.

Butch:
Damn, I hope it's a happy ending.

Guy:
That's right, b*tches! Fly Guy is in the house!

Butch:
I'm gonna kill Stu.

Donald:
Buddy, you should have done that a long time ago.

Lily:
You asked me to help you, Angie. I'm trying to... Do you love Butch?

Angie:
Yes.

Lily:
Then sort out your feelings, get rid of your foolish pride, and talk to him! Life's too short, and you're not getting any younger.

Shannon:
Come on, you can cry on my shoulder, or wherever you like.

Shannon:
Aren't you gonna offer me a drink?

Butch:
I would... if I wanted you to stick around.

Shannon:
I'm not thirsty, anyway... yet.

Shannon:
You don't have a girlfriend anymore, remember?

Butch:
Yeah, I remember... But I don't want to do anything now that might come back to haunt me later.

Butch:
I don't know, Shannon. You were a hard habit to break.

Shannon:
So what's wrong with being hard?

Angie:
You're a pig, Butch... A selfish, bastardly pig.

Butch:
I tried to lighten things up with my pig impression, but even that didn't work!

Butch:
Question is... what's gonna keep me off Angie's mind?

Angie:
I'll start seeing other people! Girls, guys, I don't care!

Angie:
I'm sick of being either sad or pissed off!

Angie:
I want to be able to laugh again without worrying about something making me miserable, ten minutes later!

Tina:
I think your mom's cool enough to understand that you need something she can't give you.

Butch:
Sorry, you're just... not quite what I expected.

Candace:
Oh? And what was that? The bearded lady?

Candace:
Are you saying you want to take things further?

Butch:
I'm game, if you are.

Candace:
Oh, that you are.

Butch:
No... way.

Candace:
Every way.

Angie:
Just because I'm not up on my 70's porno movies, it doesn't mean I've been trapped under any rock!

Darryl:
I promised my mother I'd call her before ten. She'll have the cops over here if she doesn't hear from me.

Darryl:
Thanks for Super Sizin' dinner... Boy, I'm stuffed.

Candace:
Well, I must say, I'm really disappointed in you, Butch. For a man with so many tattoos, you hardly have any tolerance for pain.

Candace:
It was fun while it lasted... Well, for me, anyway.

Candace:
Such a pretty face. Too bad there's no balls to go with it.

Deborah:
It's important that you remember where you come from. That way, you'll know where you're going.

Butch:
Okay, I'll pretend that made sense.

Butch:
God helps those who help themselves, and from now on, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Deborah:
I've always been afraid that you would stay bitter and resentful to me, but I never thought you'd be ungrateful.

Deborah:
I know things would be different if your father didn't decide to leave us.

Deborah:
All the hate that you've been holding onto all these years has crippled you. You hate your life, you hate everyone around you, the relationships with the people you should love are unhealthy... You need to let the hatred go, Butch. Respect your life, and be thankful for it. You are alive, and that's not a favor from God, it's a gift.

Deborah:
If you don't want to pray, don't pray... but don't you lose your faith. God will help you, if you let Him... and so will I.

Deborah:
Tell him I wouldn't mind seeing him sometime, but it would have to be somewhere in public... I've never felt safe alone with that man!

Butch:
Maybe you just don't trust yourself...?

Ken:
Before you can find the answer, you need to figure out what caused the problem, in the first place!

Butch:
I was insensitive, selfish, stubborn... and just plain stupid. You see a cause in there, somewhere?

Ken:
As long as you've got the courage, it's never too late to make things right. No matter what happens, it's always for the best.

Melissa:
Maybe he wasn't the perfect man, but hell, what man is?

Angie:
A dead one...?

Stu:
Dude, you're killin' my high.

Stu:
Was that Angie on the phone?

Butch:
Yep.

Stu:
Is she comin' over?

Butch:
Uh-huh.

Stu:
Do I have to leave?

Butch:
No, I don't think that's gonna work, man.

Stu:
I can't help how I look.

Butch:
You can help lookin' like a stoner!

Stu:
I am a stoner! What the f***? What do you want from me?

Angie:
Every time Butch and I make plans to go somewhere, he manages to forget about it until the last minute, so we end up not going. Either that, or we get lost on the way there, he throws a temper tantrum, then heads back home... I told him if he pulls that sh*t one more time, I'm leavin' him.

Angie:
What is this, Dance Fever?

Stu:
Did I stutter, mama?

Lily:
No more tears, okay? Not for me.

Donald:
Everybody's a jaded f***ing critic, nowadays! After havin' their senses raped by Star Wars or Lord of the Rings movies, who wants to look at some shitty little independent movies like mine?

Donald:
I'm just fed up with people, that's all. That's why I'm sticking with screenwriting, from now on. F*** making movies.

Butch:
You could write about my life.

Donald:
I don't know. I was shootin' for a comedy. Your life's pretty depressing, right now.

Guy:
I'm the man you wish you could be, tough guy. Don't fight the feelin'.

Shannon:
Well, looks like my evening's shot to hell. I guess I'll be goin'.

Butch:
Sure, now that the damage is done.

Shannon:
Yeah, well... I'll leave that for you two lovebirds to work out.

Butch:
I got a raw deal somewhere along the line, because my life seems to be fallin' apart.

Butch:
I get nothing but used by my so-called friends, walked all over by women, and I've got no family left to speak of except for a holy-rollin' mother who I can't even sit down and have a normal conversation with!

Deborah:
Thank you, Jesus.

Ken:
Listen, boy, I'm not tryin' to hurt your feelings. I just want you to understand how important it is to hold onto that right girl when you find her. Not every man gets that chance!

Stu:
You don't wanna piss her off, so you're gonna make me pretend I'm somebody else, instead of bein' a man and standin' up to her...? What a pal.

Butch:
It was my mother. I'm sick of her callin' me.

Donald:
You pissed at her, or somethin'?

Butch:
I'm just not in the mood to listen to her, right now. I got enough problems.

Guy:
You know there's a conspiracy goin' on, don't you? Our government's in cahoots with them Arabs, man. It's some serious sh*t! You see how expensive gasoline is nowadays, right? Well, they rigged all the stoplights in America to stay red for as long as possible without it lookin' too suspicious. That way, you're not only wastin' gas, meanin' you'll have to go and buy more right away, you're runnin' late! Your boss fires you for always gettin' to work late, you lose everything, you blow your brains out... It's just another plot to keep the workin' man down. Life's a b*tch.

Angie:
Perv.

Angie:
B*tch-ass.

Stu:
Dudes are supposed to be able to talk to each other about chicks without havin' to worry about each other repeatin' it to the chicks!