Heavyweights

Tony Perkis Jr:
Good morning, Campers. Today is evaluation day. The key word here is value. Do you have any? Not yet. But by the time camp is over, you will all be a bunch of skinny winners.

Tony Perkis Jr:
Attention Campers; Lunch has been canceled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.

Tony Perkis Jr:
Come on... you devil log!

Tony Perkis Jr:
Oh look, a deli meat!

Tony Perkis Jr:
Just Father Sky, Mother Earth, and your dear old Uncle Tony.

Tony Perkis Jr:
"Congratulations, you've just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.

Tony Perkis Jr:
Anybody who brings candy to this camp isn't your friend. He's a destroyer.

Tony Perkis Jr:
Being an only child, educated entirely by private tutors my whole life, I'm looking forward to interacting with children for the first time.

Tony Perkis Jr:
I'm doggin' it, Pat. I'm doggin' it!

Tony Perkis Jr:
There are so many myths about the abdominal muscles. I'm happy to put this one to rest.

Tony Perkis Jr:
I'm too strong. I'm too motivated. And you're too weak!

Tony Perkis Jr:
Let me make something very clear: the PerkiSystem does not work with cheaters like Gerald Garner! OK?! How can I sell an infomercial about fat kids who can't keep their piggy little snouts shut?! Hmm? Who's gonna buy that, huh?

Lars:
I'm feeling skinny, Tony!

Lars:
HEY, DON'T PEE IN THE WAHTER! Don't drink the wahter, he peed in it!

Lars:
Please put your fat finger DOWN!

Lars:
You've broken my camera!

Lars:
[over speakers] "Now, its time to meet your new owner and operator. Tony Perkis is a man who believes in you. His life is dedicated to saying things like "YES!" and "You better believe it!" Entrepreneur, a motivator, and a new friend! May I introduce, TONY PERKIS!"

Tony:
"Kids: at age twelve, I weighed 319 pounds. I had bad skin, low self esteem, and no self respect. Now, I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk. Pounds are gonna fly, and fat is..... outta here, mister! And we're gonna do it TOGETHER!"

Josh:
"Oh, my, god."

(Tony runs down aisle high-fiving unwilling kids)

Kid:
"I wanna go home!"

Tony:
"Step on the scale!"

Josh:
"Alrighty."

Tony:
"Step off the scale."

Roy:
"Lars? What kind of name is that? Where you from?"

Lars:
"... Far away."

Roy:
[gulps heavily]

Josh:
The candy belongs to Seymour Butts.

Tony:
Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, hmm? WHO'S SEYMOUR BUTTS?!!

Josh:
Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony!

Tony:
You picked the wrong man to mess with.

Josh:
Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man!

Lars:
Now let's play a game to help us learn each other's names.

Josh:
(Making fun of Lars accent) We already know each others names.

They never met a hot dog they didn't like... until now.

They don't run the fastest. They don't jump the highest. But they sure are getting the last laugh.