Hellsing Ultimate Abridged

Alexander Anderson:
I never killed a leprechaun before, you think if I cut one open with my knife Lucky Charms would spill out?"

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.

Enrico Maxwell:
Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
And what would those be?

Enrico Maxwell:
The true identity of Millennium.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
Who?

Enrico Maxwell:
The organization who assailed your compound.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
Oh, yeah, there was some debate over that.

Enrico Maxwell:
And the whereabouts of said Millennium.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
And what could you possibly want in exchange?

Enrico Maxwell:
Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies, from you and your subordinate known as the Crimson F***er. Also known as Alucard. [pause]

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
So you want an apology from me.

Enrico Maxwell:
I figured, but didn't want to assume.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?

Enrico Maxwell:
Well, originally, I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant Protestant pig-sow. But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
What did he do THIS time?

Enrico Maxwell:
Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than four hundred death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just fly right into the Vatican! The latest one read as such. [he clears his throat]

Alucard:
[voiceover] Dear Chief Replacement, I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right, I'm going to f*** the fear turkey! [pause] Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonF***r!

Enrico Maxwell:
"Sincerely, Alucard."

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.

Enrico Maxwell:
Soooo... that apology? [Integra sighs in defeat]

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:
I'm sorr - [cut to next scene]

Alucard:
Oh yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole, shooting you thing. But I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you'll find a way to forgive me.