Herbie Rides Again

Grandma Steinmetz:
Of course I have to humor Herbie. He used to be a famous racing car, but his driver went off to Europe to drive foreign cars, so he's a little sensitive. You can understand that.

Willoughby Whitfield:
We understand your position Mrs. Steinmetz. That's why Mr. Hawk has authorized...

Grandma Steinmetz:
Don't tell me you're from Alonzo Hawk?

Willoughby Whitfield:
Yes.

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh, and you have such a nice face.

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh Nicole, I want you to meet a gentleman from Mr. Hawk.

Nicole Harris:
How do you do?

Willoughby Whitfield:
Please, Miss Harris, I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that.

Nicole Harris:
Wait a minute^Å Uncle? He's you're uncle? You rotten spy!

Willoughby Whitfield:
Uncle Alonzo, I've dropped by to talk to you man to man, so I can look you squarely in the eye.

Willoughby Whitfield:
No, I'm wearing make-up because of a black eye. A girl hit me in the face with a boiled lobster the moment I mentioned your name.

Willoughby Whitfield:
This same wonderful, intelligent, clear-sighted girl was able to convince me what kind of a person you really are.

Willoughby Whitfield:
I do not hold with your scheme of cheating Mrs. Steinmetz out of her home so that you may build your concrete anthill on the spot where she has known so much happiness. Hm.

Willoughby Whitfield:
I think you are despicable, greedy, grasping, and wholly without principle or pity.

Willoughby Whitfield:
I also believe you are not a nice person.

Secretary:
I'm sorry Mr. Hawk. I called the motel but you're nephew checked out.

Alonzo Hawk:
What do you mean he's checked out?

Alonzo Hawk:
When? Where? Who told him he could check out? How dare he disappear when he knows I'm worried sick? I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard to pieces! I'll stomp him silly! I'll take this letter knife, and I'll stab that kid right in his ungrateful breastbone! You know me Millicent, normally I'm a kindly, fun-loving fellow! But when I get crossed...

Alonzo Hawk:
I go bananas.

Nicole Harris:
If I do marry Willaby, I'd like the satisfaction of nailing him myself!

Willoughby Whitfield:
We understand your position, Mrs. Steinmetz. That's why Mr. Hawk has authorized...

Grandma Steinmetz:
Don't tell me you're from Alonzo Hawk?!

Willoughby Whitfield:
Yes.

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh, and you have such a nice face. Not at all like those ruffians he usually sends around!

Willoughby Whitfield:
But if you'll just look at the size of this check, Mrs. Steinmetz...

Grandma Steinmetz:
I don't know anything about money! My nephew, Tennessee Steinmetz usually takes care of me. He used to live here. But he had to rush off to Tibet because his guru got sick!

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh Nicole, I want you to meet a gentleman from Mr. Hawk.

Nicole Harris:
How do you do?

<She punches him in the face. The orchestrion plays another selection.>

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh, Mr. Whitfield! Such a nice young man!

Nicole:
So they're bothering us again, are they?

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh! Darling, you've hurt your hand!

Nicole:
On the contrary, it feels marvelous!

<She kisses her hand.>

Willoughby Whitfield:
Please, Miss Harris, I can't believe Uncle Alonzo would do things like that.

Nicole Harris:
Wait a minute! Uncle? He's your uncle?

Willoughby Whitfield:
Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell...

Nicole Harris:
You rotten spy!

<She slaps him in the face with a broiled lobster, and he falls into the water.>

Waiter:
The giant lobster is very good tonight, sir. Uh, of course. No lobster.

Willoughby Whitfield:
Please do not send us any more fruit for Christmas.

Alonzo Hawk:
Who're these clowns?

Secretary:
They're your new layers, Mr. Hawk. You fired the others yesterday.

Alonzo Hawk:
Okay, fellas, now I want to tear down the Steinmetz firehouse. Okay?

Lawyer:
Just a moment. Mr. Hawk. Do you have the necessary permit?

Alonzo Hawk:
Of course I don't have a permit! I don't even own the land yet!

Secretary:
Sorry, Mr. Hawk. Such an action would only jeopardize your entire legal standing of your new building. We can't permit...

Alonzo Hawk:
Will you get outta here? I didn't hire you to tell me what I can't do, I hired you to tell me how I could do it! GOOOOOO!

Willoughby Whitford:
Miss Harris, come on. You're obviously an intelligent young woman. Why do you pretend to talk to this little car like that? Some people might wonder.

Nicole Harris:
Don't listen to him, Herbie. Just move it.

Nicole:
Remember, Alonzo Hawk sent him!

Nicole:
You stupid bucket of bolts! You always have to do everything your way!

Nicole Harris:
Good night, Herbie. Pleasant dreams.

<The trio are at Alonzo Hawk Van & Storage. Willoughby is trying to pick a lock.>

Nicole:
What's the matter? Haven't you ever jimmied a lock before?

Willoughby:
Well, it isn't exactly a hobby of mine.

Nicole:
Well, hurry! We can't just stand here...

<Herbie's horn honks, and the trio run out of the way as the car charges forward and smashes the door down.>

Mrs. Steinmetz:
Good for Herbie!

<The three run inside, but stop when they hear a recording.>

Hawk's voice:
"HALT! YOU HAVE BEEN DETECTED BY ELECTRONIC SURVEILLANCE. YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE SURROUNDED BY AGENTS OF THE ALONZO HAWK SECURITY SERVICE! TOUCH NOTHING IN THIS WAREHOUSE OR YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW!"

Mrs. Steinmetz:
Don't you dare talk to me like that, Mr. Hawk! I want my things back, and I'm going to have them!

Willoughby:
Uh, I think that's a recording.

Mrs. Steinmetz:
I don't care what it is!

<The recording plays again.>

Willoughby:
Come on; let's find your things before somebody gets here.

Willoughby:
Well, your things aren't here. Maybe we should...

<The orchestrion hears Willoughby's voice and grabs the attention of the trio by playing "Pomp and Circumstance." The three rush to a curtain, which Willougby pulls off, revealing the trolley car and all of Mrs. Steinmetz's possessions. Mrs. Steinmetz walks over to the painting, but the guards Hawk called in catch her.>

Guard 1:
ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT! <The trio turn around.> Okay, get your hands up!

<The orchestrion plays another song as Willoughby and Nicole raise their hands, but Mrs. Steinmetz does not. Herbie decides to help by driving to a different part of the warehouse.>

Mrs. Steinmetz:
Don't you get fresh with me, young man!

Guard 2:
Watch it, Smitty. She's the ringleader.

Smitty (Guard 1):
Come on, Grandma! Move it! Put your hands up!

Mrs. Steinmetz:
I most certainly will not! If you say "please," I might consider it.

Smitty:
All right. Please!

[Mrs. Steinmetz puts her hands up.]

Mrs. Steinmetz:
There, now; you see, that wasn't so difficult after all. If you would mind your manners, young man, life would be easier for all of us. And now would you be good enough to tell me just exactly what you are doing with my furniture?

[Smitty reaches for a pair of handcuffs after putting his gun away.]

Smitty:
How do we know, lady? All I can tell you is that nothing goes out without Mr. Hawk's okay.

[Herbie has just made it impossible for the guards to escape.]

Smitty:
Hey; we're cut off! How are we going to get out of here?

Guard 2:
You know, Smitty, I don't think Mr. Hawk's going to be happy about this.

Nicole:
[on phone] Well, thanks anyway for trying, Millie. Bye. [She hangs up.] Millie's one of the stewardresses who works for Hawk's airlines; she can't figure out his address either.

Willoughby:
May I say something?

Nicole:
No! I'm still mad at you for not taking care of Grandma!

Grandma Steinmetz:
If we can't figure out where he lives, my idea won't work.

Nicole:
Well, we'll just have to think of something else.

Willoughy:
I am going to say something! I've sent Uncle Alonzo a Christmas card every year since I was 7 years old. [He pulls out a card with the correct address on it.] And here's his address!

Nicole:
Willoughby! Oh, you're wonderful! [She gives him a hug and kiss.]

Loostgarten:
Loostgarten speaking.

Willoughby Whitford:
[imitating Hawk's voice over the telephone] This is Alonzo Hawk.

Loostgarten:
Right, Mr. Hawk.

Willoughby Whitford:
Loostgarten, there's been a slight change in plan. I don't want you to knock down the firehouse tonight. Instead I want you to knock down 343 Oleander Heights. You got that, 343 Oleander Heights?

Loostgarten:
Right.

Willoughby Whitford:
WRITE IT DOWN! [Loostgarten starts scribbling the address down on a notepad.] I don't want you to be blackballed in the wrecking ball business. If you know what I mean.

[He laughs and hangs up.]

Grandma Steinmetz:
Oh, you're wonderful!

Willoughby Whitfield:
Miss Haris, let's stop kidding ourselves, okay? This is just an ordinary little car. Like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive...

[Herbie takes off down the road]

Nicole Harris:
I don't think you should've said that. Herbie's very sensitive about his appearance!

Willoughby Whitfield:
Don't worry, Uncle! Everything's under control.

Alonzo Hawk:
That's just dandy! [Tosses an ashtray towards Willoughby but accidentally hits Herbie instead, who immediately starts revving up]

Grandma Steinmetz:
Now you've done it, Mr. Hawk! You've made Herbie very angry!

Lawyer:
Don't you think we ought to see what all those noises are?

Secretary:
When Mr. Hawk says he doesn't want to be disturbed, that's it.

Secretary:
Will you be going out for a while, Mr. Hawk?

Willboughy:
Good morning, Miss Millicent.

Secretary:
Good morning.

Willboughy:
MRS. STEINMETZ!

Secretary:
I told you Mr. Hawk was busy!

Loostgarten:
[on telephone] 343 Oleander Heights, did you say?

Alonzo Hawk:
Of course it is, idiot! I know it like I know my own address! [hangs up. Beat.]. Wait a minute;–– it is my own address!