Hey Dad..!

Jenny Kelly:
Are you going to put my brother in jail?

Det. Sgt. Anne Burke:
No dear, not today.

Jenny Kelly:
Aw, poo!

[Martin hands money to Simon]

Debbie Kelly:
Dad, I need some too. I've got an appointment at the hairdresser's.

[Martin exhales]

Martin Kelly:
Dear.

[Martin hands money to Debbie]

Debbie Kelly:
Dad, that's only seven dollars.

Martin Kelly:
That's what it costs me for a haircut.

Simon Kelly:
Yes, and that's what it looks like.

[Grandma has prepared steamed sea cucumber for breakfast]

Debbie Kelly:
Looks like an extra-terrestrial, dad.

Martin Kelly:
That's it! You've discovered the E.T. cucumber!

Simon Kelly:
[Simon extends finger, in E.T. voice] Go home! Go home!

Betty Wilson:
Oh goodness, look at the time! I must fly.

Martin Kelly:
What's the rush, Betty?

Betty Wilson:
Oh well, it's the auditions at the Musical Society, if I can sing alright. [clears throat] I'm going for the part - in Sound of Music - of Maria.

Debbie Kelly:
Which part?

Betty Wilson:
All of her.

Gerald 'Nudge' Noritis:
Hey, Mister Kelly, I was in a play once. I was the back end of a horse.

Martin Kelly:
Nothing ever changes, does it, Nudge?

Jenny Kelly:
Miss Laurence says music is sexist.

Martin Kelly:
The closest Miss Laurence comes to music is when she plays the cannons in the 1812 Overture.

Betty Wilson:
I haven't shared a bath since I was a little girl.

Martin Kelly:
Yeah?

Betty Wilson:
Yeah, dad used to bath me and Terry together.

Martin Kelly:
Is Terry your brother?

Betty Wilson:
No, he's dad's Kelpie. Sometimes, he'd get really mad and say, "You shake water all over me, and I'll kick you right up the bum." He never said it to Terry, but.

Betty Wilson:
Here you go. [hands Martin a letter]

Martin Kelly:
What's that?

Betty Wilson:
A letter.

Martin Kelly:
Yes, but the mail hasn't come yet.

Betty Wilson:
Well it came yesterday.

Martin Kelly:
Well, why didn't you give it to me with yesterday's mail?

Betty Wilson:
Because that wouldn't have been fair to the other letters. They were priority paid.

Martin Kelly:
First we have Band Aid, then we have Live Aid, then we have Sport Aid, now we got Nudge Aid. If I want to give away this much food, I'll call Bob Geldof.

[Betty discusses using music to help her chickens lay eggs]

Betty Wilson:
Demis Roussos was best. Whenever he sang, they'd drop eggs everywhere.

Martin Kelly:
[to camera] He has the same effect on me.

Betty Wilson:
[preparing to type] Now, Mrs. Thumb on the space bar, and four fat daughters dancing on the keys. [to her hand] Keep up, 'kay?

Jenny Kelly:
Miss Laurence says every child should have a pet.

Martin Kelly:
Miss Laurence?

Jenny Kelly:
My teacher.

Martin Kelly:
Oh yes. Well, there's quite a few areas where we don't agree, darling. In fact, there are quite a few areas where Miss Laurence and I differ.

Simon Kelly:
Yeah, you haven't got a moustache.

Jenny Kelly:
What's everybody arguing about?

Martin Kelly:
None of your business.

Jenny Kelly:
Is it about S-E-X?

Martin Kelly:
Well... sort of.

Jenny Kelly:
Miss Laurence says sex is sexist.

Gerald 'Nudge' Noritis:
Uh, Mister Kelly. Do you find me attractive?

Martin Kelly:
In a word, no.

Gerald 'Nudge' Noritis:
No, be honest. On a scale from one to ten, what would you rate me?

Martin Kelly:
Minus seven.

Gerald 'Nudge' Noritis:
I looked in the mirror this morning, and I said, "Gerald..."

Martin Kelly:
Gerald? Who's Gerald?

Gerald 'Nudge' Noritis:
Well, that's my name.

Martin Kelly:
God, no wonder we call you Nudge.

Jenny Kelly:
Dad, we're still out of baked beans.

Martin Kelly:
Oh, don't worry, Jen. I'll buy some tomorrow.

Simon Kelly:
Why does she always have to eat baked beans?

Debbie Kelly:
Well, at least we always know where she is.

[Jenny has locked herself in the bathroom, upon hearing of Betty's firing]

Debbie Kelly:
Dad, what are you going to do?

Martin Kelly:
Well, Deborah, I think at a time like this, it's best to use some psychology.

Simon Kelly:
Psychology?

Martin Kelly:
Yes. What we might see as an act of defiance is really a statement of Jenny's individuality. And, we have to allow her to make her statement until she feels ready to rejoin the family unit.

Debbie Kelly:
And then what?

Martin Kelly:
And then I'm going to belt the hell out of her.

Martin Kelly:
Nudge?

Gerald 'Nudge' Noritis:
Yeah?

Martin Kelly:
Go home.

[the bank robber places a bomb in the VCR]

Bank robber:
This is not a videocassette. It is in fact a small but hugely powerful explosive device. I'm programming it to go off in six hours. If my demands are not met by then, it will explode, blowing up half the block.

Greg Russell:
That's amazing. You can get that damn thing to blow up half the block, I can't even get it to tape 'Man O Man'.