Hey Dude

Danny Lightfoot:
Hey, the competition will be, "Asking out girls." We'll ask out a couple of girls and then Brad and Melody will, and then we will see who does it better.

[Ted smiles and shakes his head in disbelief]

Ted McGriff:
Well you know about how weird girls are, they'd probably rather go out with them.

Danny Lightfoot:
You're right, we better not make that an event!

[Ted and Danny are in a fishing competition with Brad and Melody]

Ted McGriff:
Hey, do you have any, uh, Indian tricks for catching fish?

Danny Lightfoot:
Well, now that you've mention it, there was a sorta special thing we did on the Reservation when we wanted fish...

Ted McGriff:
Well, what?

Danny Lightfoot:
We went the store and bought it. [Smiles]

Ted McGriff:
Real Funny. [Ted shakes his head] Well actually... wait a minute... on second thought... there is much wisdom to your native customs.

Benjamin Ernst:
Remember what Jack said about all work and no play!

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Gotcha!

Ted McGriff:
[laughs] No you didn't.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Come on, admit it! You were scared out of your mind.

Benjamin 'Buddy' Ernst, Jr.:
Did it work?

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
He was *so* scared.

Ted McGriff:
Sorry Brad, I knew it was Danny the second he tried to grab me. Oh, and by the way, you could use a manicure guy. I knew it was you the moment you walked in the door. I mean, you confused Jason with Freddy and the guy in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And that's Chainsaw, not The Texas Handsaw Massacre. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get some sleep.

[Danny presses the boom box and sheep sounds are audible]

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Turn that off!

[Melody is patiently waiting to use the shower, while the ranch is under water restrictions]

Ted McGriff:
What are you doing here?

Melody Hanson:
[shrugs shoulders] Yoga [nods head]

Ted McGriff:
Standing up?

Melody Hanson:
Um... yeah, it's special, brand new. Um, you don't even have to move your muscles. You just stand there and concentrate on them. They, they call it "European Yoga"

Ted McGriff:
I've never heard of it.

Melody Hanson:
Well people are doing it all over Europe. I mean, standing up, doing yoga day and night. They hardly ever stop. I mean, some countries have given up chairs completely.

Ted McGriff:
Me, you're a terrible liar.

Melody Hanson:
Ted, come on, get out of here. You're ruining my 'state of bliss.'

Ted McGriff:
Why don't you just 'bliss out' somewhere else? I need to check the shower. After all, I am...

Melody Hanson:
No Ted! This is important to me.

Ted McGriff:
Could you just step aside so I can check the sh...

Melody Hanson:
No! I can't move! [She waves her arms and looks at them] Except my arms. You know, to stress my thought flow.

Ted McGriff:
No problem. [Ted sees feet moving in the shower] Oh, and when Brad gets out of the shower, tell her next one will be in four days.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Ted!

Ted McGriff:
Danny, I got it. I know how we can make it rain. You can do a rain dance.

Danny Lightfoot:
Yeah, right...

Ted McGriff:
No, really come on, you're an Indian, it's natural for you.

Danny Lightfoot:
I've only seen one rain dance, and that was on a TV nature show.

Ted McGriff:
No here, watch me.

[Ted picks up a ceremonial Indian rattle]

Ted McGriff:
Hey, ya, hey, ya. [Ted puts his hand over his mouth] wah wah wah wah. ha ha.

Danny Lightfoot:
[annoyed] What do you think this is, some kind of joke? This is not even the right time of the season.

Danny Lightfoot:
[Danny finishes telling Melody a fable] The moral of the story is, if you are a fox, don't try to be a turtle.

Ted McGriff:
[Shakes head] The moral of the story is, 'don't listen to silly fable told by red man in a bowler hat.'

Ted McGriff:
I think this Eddie guy is a front man for an unscrupulous organization.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
[sarcastically gasps] Think he works for the government?

Ted McGriff:
Now wait one second, Mr. Ernst, why do you automatically assume that I'm involved?

Benjamin Ernst:
Ted. You're always involved.

[Ted and Brad are handcuffed]

Lucy:
Sorry guys, these look like pretty serious handcuffs. Brad, you've certainly calmed down.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
I'm just taking a lesson from the coyote. Coyote is patient and willing to suffer discomfort knowing it will pass. Just trying to respond to this like a coyote would.

Lucy:
Brad, I'm impressed.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
And like a coyote caught in a trap, if I don't get out of these handcuffs in about fourteen seconds I'm going to chew my own hand off!

Benjamin Ernst:
Well, I got some good news and some bad news. Some more good news and a little more bad news. First, the good news, the Tulsa police department is sending us a key to the cuffs. The bad news is they won't arrive until tomorrow morning. However, I got some more good news. I've located a locksmith who says he can remove the cuffs, the bad news is that he won't make it out here until this afternoon. It seems, Mrs. Neiderlander has chained herself to her husband's golf clubs as some sort of social protest.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Mr. Ernst, what are we supposed to do for the next couple of hours, I've got chores to do, I've got to serve lunch.

Ted McGriff:
And I have to mend that chair.

Benjamin Ernst:
Many hands make light work! Do it together. Now, speaking of chores... [Ernst looks at Danny and Melody]

Danny Lightfoot:
It's nice to see how *close* Ted and Brad have become.

Melody Hanson:
Why, they've almost become inseparable!

[Melody performs a rap while making a bed]

Melody Hanson:
My name's 'Cool M,' I work on a dude ranch. People eat so much you'd swear it's a food ranch. They eat lots of eggs, they eat lots of butter - enough cholesterol to make your whole heart flutter.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Mel, please... That's awful.

Melody Hanson:
What, flutter and butter?

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
No, the whole thing. It's too early in the morning, it's giving me a headache.

Melody Hanson:
You just don't understand rap. You're too old, you're out of touch.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Too old? Out of touch? I'm in touch!

Melody Hanson:
Okay, name two rap artists.

Bradley 'Brad' Taylor:
Alright. Let's see... Run DMV and, uh, LL Cool Bean.

Danny Lightfoot:
I didn't know, I was just following your directions.

Benjamin Ernst:
Yes, well something went wrong.

Ted McGriff:
What's wrong?

Benjamin Ernst:
Danny and I spent the whole day yesterday laying the 'Ernst line drawings,' my ad, you know, 'The best dude ranch in the west, bar none.' [Looking at Danny] So today we went out three to check it out in a plane.

Ted McGriff:
And it still looked like a man on a pig, huh?

Benjamin Ernst:
No, that's not the problem. [Shows Ted a photograph] This is the problem.

Ted McGriff:
[laughs] 'The best NUDE ranch in the west, bar none.'?

Melody Hanson:
[Brad and Melody walk up to the group and begin to laugh] It gets cold out there at night in the desert.

Benjamin Ernst:
You see what I mean, it's a disaster!

Ted McGriff:
You know Mr. Ernst, I don't think anyone has seen it.

Benjamin Ernst:
Well I certainly hope not, now you and Danny get out there and change it, pronto. 'The best DUDE ranch in the west.' Oh My God. Why me? [Sits] I try. I try.

Female Nudist:
[Two nudists arrive at the front office] Excuse me, where do we register?

Benjamin Ernst:
Oh, right around here, at the front desk. Just ring the bell if nobody is there. [It takes a moment for Mr. Ernst to realize what he's just seen and his face freezes with a look of shock and dismay when the nudists walk past him]

Benjamin Ernst:
Danny my boy, this video should attract guests to the Bar None Ranch, not scare them away. If you scowl to people like that, they'll never come!

Danny Lightfoot:
Believe me Mr. E, my ancestors scowled for years and still the white man came.