Hi-de-Hi!

Mr. Partridge:
[singing] Jerusalem. Jerusalem. Lift up your skirts and sing!

[repeated line]

Ted:
You great clumsy berk.

[repeated line]

Peggy Ollerenshaw:
Don't tell Miss Cathcart!

[Gladys has helped Jeffrey onto his bed who is in a drunken state]

Gladys:
So what am I going to do with you then? Eh?

Yvonne Stuart-Hargreaves:
He's got Gladys in his chalet.

Barry Stuart-Hargreaves:
She's been trying long enough.

Yvonne Stuart-Hargreaves:
She's telling him to let go.

Barry Stuart-Hargreaves:
Perhaps she's changed her mind.

Yvonne Stuart-Hargreaves:
Do you think we ought to rescue her?

Barry Stuart-Hargreaves:
If you remember, dear, I changed my mind and nobody came to my rescue.

Yvonne Stuart-Hargreaves:
If you kept your mouth shut, Barry, things like this wouldn't happen.

Barry Stuart-Hargreaves:
Yes, but wouldn't it be boring?

Ted:
Did you ever see that programme on telly called "What's My Line?"?

Jeffrey:
Occasionally.

Ted:
Well, we used to do one called "That's Your Bum!".

Ted:
I shall have it printed in the programme: "Jeffrey Fairbrother, wheeze in the pool".

Ted:
[Ted is concerned that Peggy's pen friend plans to take advantage of her.]

Gladys:
I'll have a talk with her. I'll give her the same warning my mother gave me.

Ted:
Let's hope she takes more notice.

Ted:
Just remember this, Spike. When you're in the freezer handling those pigs, and you shout "Hi-De-Hi", those sausages are not going to shout back "Ho-De-Ho".

Jeffrey:
You're asking me to choose between allowing a man to be maimed for life, or cheating the campers.

Ted:
Well, you said you could do the job when you wrote in.

Fred Quilley:
Do you realise, any moment now, a Molotov Cocktail could come flying through that window and burn us all alive. And all you do is lie there.

Mr. Partridge:
I know why Molotov Cocktails are called Molotov Cocktails. Because of Molotov. He was an Israelite, you know.

Fred Quilley:
It's like living with a lunatic.