Hollywood Ending

Val:
...driving around his 1938 Vintage Roadster. If someone saw me in a vintage '38, they'd think I was Himmler!

Val:
Call Dr. Kevorkian.

Ed:
Look, I love Val. I love him. But with all due respect... he's a raving, incompetent psychotic.

Ellie:
He's not incompetent.

Val:
What the hell am I doing in Canada? Lori, they got moose up here. Moose. Are moose carnivorous?

Val:
You know, part of me wants it so badly.

Lori:
And the other part?

Val:
Also wants it. That's the problem.

Val:
For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Lori:
From making love with you?

Val:
For me, the nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.

Val:
We had sex.

Ellie:
Yes, we had sex. But we never talked.

Val:
Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Val:
We once had a discussion about music and he threatened to push me down a flight of stairs.

Psychiatrist:
What happened?

Val:
It worked. He pushed me down a flight of stairs.

Val:
I love ya, scum bag.

Val:
This guy stole my wife.

Al Hack:
He doesn't hold that against you.

Val:
You know, I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.

Val:
A tenth of a point after quadruple break-even! You are really a shark, Al.

Ellie:
Our marriage wasn't going anywhere.

Val:
Where do you want it to go? Where do marriages go? After a while they just lay there. That's the thing about marriages.

Val:
At the Plaza Hotel. For God's sake, I got the bill. You had the escargot that afternoon. It's so disgusting. Sex and snails with that roast beef from Beverly Hills.

Al Hack:
You don't have a brain tumor.

Val:
Al, with all due respect, I have to hear that from someone who went to a greater medical school than the William Morris Agency.

Val:
She's living with a guy the best you can say about him is that sometimes he returns phone calls.

Ellie:
You were on the cutting edge of everything.

Val:
So, how did I go from the cutting edge to the buttering edge?

Val:
Thank God the French exist.

Val:
That wind-up doll happens to have a Ph.D.

Ellie:
In what? The history of gym?